An Uninvited Guest

“Louie! Get out here!” Jesus Christ, of all days, today. Melanie was exasperated.  

“LOUIE!” She took a deep breath. “COME HERE NOW!” Her voice might be hoarse before the party, but goddamnit there might not even be a party at this rate.

“I’m in the bathroom, sweetie!” Louie sounded miles away.

“COME OUT NOW! I NEED YOU!” Melanie was a little too close to her neighbor’s property to be shouting this loud at 10 am on a Saturday morning, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“I SAID GET OUT HERE!”

“Are you dying? Did somebody die?” Louie rushed outside in half buttoned-up shorts with unwashed hands.

“Well, not someone.” Melanie stepped aside for Louie to see.

“Jesus Christ.” Louie felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. “Is that a…?”

“Turkey. Yes, it’s an annihilated turkey in the middle of our front yard.” This is the last thing I needed today, the last damn thing, Melanie thought.

The turkey looked like it had seen better days. Its feathers were completely ruffled, and its eyes open wide in utter shock. Who did this, Melanie wondered, and why was it left for dead and not eaten?

“My goodness, its neck is slit. Was this a mob hit? Did the turkey have it coming?” Louie chuckled a bit, then his eyes went wide. “Or did we do something? You know? Is this a horse head in our bed?”

“You got to be kidding me, right?” Sometimes, she wondered about her husband.

“Well, I told you how the Michelson’s were out front the other day when you insulted their dog…” Louie’s voice drifted off as he avoided looking directly at the dead animal. He wondered if someone had placed the turkey there directly on their front lawn. It was so odd, to see it sprawled out like that with only its neck split. There were some feathers strewn around it, it certainly had been attacked. But why wasn’t it eaten?

Melanie didn’t have time for this. “Are you insinuating I invited this? Are you saying this is somehow my fault?”

Louie realized his mistake and immediately backtracked. “Okay, well, I guess we have to figure out how to deal with this.”

“Oh, I’m not doing anything.” Melanie shook her finger at the dead bird, “This has you written all over it," and walked back towards the house.

“ME? I’m supposed to handle this?” Sometimes, he wondered about his wife.

“Well, yeah! You’re the man of the house! Do something about it!”

“I love how you invoke gender roles whenever it's appropriate for you.”

Melanie saw red blur her vision. “Gender roles? Who’s the one making a hundred cupcakes this morning? Who’s putting up the decorations? Who was on the phone for hours yesterday making sure Phoebe got the exact bouncy castle she wanted? Which is supposed to go in that spot, by the way!” She pointed to where the dead turkey lay.

“Alright, alright you don’t need to get into right now.” Jeeze it was hot. Louie could feel the sweat dripping down his back already, it would be a long day.

“Well we have 40 kids and their parents coming to our house in two hours and you can’t even bother to move a dead bird out of the way.” And Melanie really had to pee.

“Okay, this is not a tiny flighty bird we’re talking about here.” Louie paused for dramatic effect. “There has been a MURDER! A murder I tell you! We’re required to do a full-blown investigation!”

Melanie looked around nervously to see if any of the neighbors had heard him. Louie circled the turkey and continued to shout about a murder while pink balloons waved from the mailbox and precious minutes ticked by.

“Can you please just find a shovel?”

He finally quit circling. “And where am I supposed to bury it?”

“Just throw it in the trash.”

“Is that even legal?”

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” Melanie and Louie turned to the sound of their child’s voice.

“Honey, don’t come out here!” But Phoebe was already barreling out the door, still in her nightgown.

She rambled, “Mommy, Ruby told me no one is going to bother to come to my party. She’s lying though, isn’t she? What’s that.” Phoebe pointed to the dead animal.

Louie tried to step in front and distract his daughter, “Honey, don’t look. Mommy and I are taking care of it. It’s nothing to worry about.”

But it was too late, “DID YOU AND DADDY KILL A TURKEY? BUT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY IS TODAY—WHY DID YOU KILL A TURKEY?” The tears were in full swing and Phoebe was ballistic. Her older sister, Ruby, followed the noise outside.

Melanie tried to distract her firstborn, “Ruby I need your help icing the cupcakes, please take your younger sister and go back inside.”

“Mom, is it okay if Kayla comes to the party? I don’t want to be alone with a bunch of 5-year-olds.” Her eyes finally registered what was happening. “Why is there a dead turkey in the front yard? Daddy?”

“Come on girls, let’s go back inside, Daddy is taking care of it.” But Ruby ran over to the turkey as Melanie tried to grab her.

“Sissy, don’t go near!” Phoebe screamed at her sister.

“Woah!” Ruby peered down at the animal. “Its neck is split. How cool.” Melanie couldn’t believe this, why was this happening? Today of all days?  

“Honey,” Louie tried to push Ruby lightly away. “I don’t want you to be grossed out. You should listen to your mother.”

“That’s what those weird noises were from last night.” Ruby studied the dead.  “A flock picking off their weak.”

Louie was surprised at his daughter’s assumption. “Woah, you heard the fight?”

“Yeah, I read that some animals will kill off their own if they’re weak or injured, just in case they attract a prey. Brutal stuff.” Ruby answered.

“And how do you know that?” Melanie tried to calm down her youngest daughter.

“I read it on a blog once.”

Phoebe was a blubbering mess. “No one is going to come now!”

“Louie. Please.” Melanie begged her husband, she seriously wanted to cry herself.

“Okay, since Ruby seems to know all about this, she’s going to help me take care of it.” Louie decided.

“Lou, come on. I don’t want her to help.” Melanie tried to shush Phoebe.

“Mom, I can do it! Please! This is how I can contribute just like you asked me to." Ruby was insistent.

“Whatever. Fine. Phoebe, let’s go finish the cupcakes.” Melanie turned to go back into the house.

“No! We have to have a funeral for Mr. Turkey!” Phoebe finally stopped crying and sounded absolute.

Oh my god. Melanie couldn’t cope with this.

“I don’t know about that one sweetie...” Even Louie seemed hesitant.

Phoebe scrambled to get down from her mother. “Yes! Yes! Right now! Come on!”

“I’m game. How about you dad?” Ruby loved how her sister’s birthday celebration turned out.

“Okay,” Louie breathed out a long sigh. “Let’s go find a spot.”

“I can’t believe this.” Melanie finally placed Phoebe down.

“Honey, let’s figure this out, together.” Louis said in a very pointed tone towards his wife.   

“How about in the back-left corner? We could put up a tombstone?” Ruby asked.

“Let’s do it!” Phoebe’s eyes went dry as she seemed invigorated by this new plan.

Melanie seriously did not want to deal with this. She still had about a hundred things left on her to-do list before people arrived, and the last thing she wanted to do was put a turkey to rest.

“I’ll go get a shovel.” Louie went towards the garage.

“Okay, fine, you two, please go get dressed?” Melanie finally succumbed to her defeat.

“Come on, Phoebe, we have to look nice for the funeral.” Ruby grabbed her younger sister’s hand and led her to the house.

“Your party clothes! Please!” Melanie was exasperated, but at least something was getting done. She surveyed the area and noticed thankfully that there weren’t any other gross things in the grass.

Louie came back with two shovels. “I think we’ll need both of us to grab this big guy.”

Melanie grabbed one shovel and Louie got on the other side of the body.

“On the count of three, 1, 2, 3.”  Both of them bent their knees and managed to lift the turkey at the same time. They carefully balanced it on the shovels and slowly moved to the back yard.

“Didn’t expect to be doing this the morning of our daughter’s fifth birthday party now did we?” Louie chuckled.

Melanie giggled a bit. “I was sort of hoping it'd be a happier affair.”

“Was it seriously enjoyable before this moment?” Louie questioned his wife.

Melanie sighed. “No. It wasn’t.”

“She’s going to love that all her friends are here. She’ll have so much fun, you know it.”

“Well, she's always having fun.  I just wish we didn’t invite so many people…”

“Next time, we’ll cut the guest list down by 50%.” Louie offered.

“There might not even be a next time….”

“That’s even better.” The two laughed at how absurd the day had turned out.

“I think this is it.” The two slowly laid the turkey down, and got to work digging the hole.

Melanie only squirmed a little bit as they quickly descended the turkey into the hole.

“We’re ready!” Ruby and Phoebe came out of the house in their party dresses. Phoebe had a bow in her hair.

“Well don’t you two look lovely.” Melanie placed her hand on her hip.

“Mommy, I put the icing on the cupcakes and put them in the fridge.” Ruby volunteered.

“Oh, thank you, darling.”

Louie finished patting down the earth and burying the turkey.

“Goodbye Mr. Turkey! We’ll miss you!” Phoebe shouted.

No, we won’t. Melanie thought.

“Would you like to say a few words?” Louie asked Ruby.

“I’m sorry Mr. Turkey that you were sacrificed by your own kind.”

Jesus Christ, I need to limit this girl’s internet use. Melanie thought.

“But I hope this burial restores your dignity, and you may now rest peacefully.” Ruby finished.

“Thanks for helping mommy and daddy stop fighting!” Phoebe contributed.

Louie and Melanie smiled at one another.

“Anything else?” Louie asked.

“I want a cupcake!” Phoebe pipped up.

“Okay, let’s go get our party on.” Louie suggested.

And then the four skipped off, counting their blessings.