Diego Frontera

Good evening to all the parents, half-asleep elderly, and introverted teens. Thanks for tuning into your favorite show, Second Chances! I’m your host Diego Frontera and boy do we have a good one up for you tonight. First up we have Miss Daisy Reginald, looking very spiffy in her retirement home-provided night gown, if I do say so myself. Let’s see the horrible, horrible occurrence that passed in aisle three of Shopmart last Wednesday.

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There we see her, standing up- oh! That gave me a fright. You thought she was going to fall too, right? Ha, Miss Daisy is wonder woman, I’m telling you. There she goes again, reaching for the discount black beans, leaning back into the scooter and—ouch! That’s gotta leave a mark. She’s looking pretty beat up on the ground. She’s grabbing her hip. That’s not good. Jeez, is anybody gonna help her? No takers? You think we lived in some sort of controlled state and not the 100% bona fide free US of A.

Oh, there comes somebody—rush, run! Why are you walking to Miss Daisy? People these days, right? There you go, call 911. And we’ll cut off the security camera there.

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That sure was sad, wasn’t it? Whatever would Miss Daisy do differently? No takers? We got a shy crowd tonight. Next up-

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Chase and Tim sure do seem to be close. Oh, there Tim goes, going in for the Bro grab. You know, don’t wanna be too gay at a high school that doesn’t take care of its students, am I right? Ah, public school. The good ol’ days. Oh, he’s still grabbing on, having selected the neck area, and is giving Chase a little neck massage with his thumb. What a very thoughtful, bro-like gesture.

Oop! I guess Chase doesn’t feel that way. You guys saw that, right? That shrug-off was meaner than my mama’s belt. That’s gotta be awkward for Tim. Man, look at his face go red. Wait a second, what happened to Miss Dai—

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What a show, am I right? Who am I kidding, they only hired me for my sharp jaw bone and low standards. Second Chances is a load of-

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It seems like Mr. President was a little camera shy, so instead we’re going to delve into his very public very prolific Chirper page. Let’s see, I’m scrolling, scrolling. Wow, all these Chirps were written today! What genius we have leading us! What does this [redacted] say? Ah, here we go, a gem among gems.

You guys remember the model mayhem that erupted earlier this week, right? With the three beautifully talented models taking harsh criticism for being plus size on a sports bra ad? God forbid anybody who needs to lose weight use workout gear. It’s just not realistic. Let’s see what the president had to say. Probably something sweet knowing him.

No girls that I know would EVER want their picture taken while looking like THAT. Not only is it ugly, it is inappropriate and disrespectful to all the people who have no choice but to look at it. DISGUSTING!

Yikes, am I right? Should I start at the part where he refers to grown women as girls, or when he assumes women’s experiences despite broadcasting his misogyny regularly? Or maybe I should point out the egregious wrongs committed against capitalization. I’m sorry—

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Take Two for Miss Daisy Reginald. Of course, the time machine does alter our participants’ physical appearance a little, which is why Miss Daisy has turned into the white elderly She-Hulk nobody knew they needed. To avoid unnecessary side effects, the Second Chances crew sent her in with a body camera. I can’t look my make-up ready best if I’m time travelling three times a week.

There she goes walking down aisle three, grabbing her discount beans—oops! She must not be used to her strength. That can is demolished, and her gown may be beyond saving. I’m sure there’ll be somebody to clean up the mess.

There’s the manager. Am I drunk or did she show up quicker than last time? Ah, she was probably just sleepy from working overtime. Inflation sure is a rough one. Miss Daisy is walking up to her, no doubt to show off her new muscles and—nope! She’s decided to drop kick the manager and is now shouting abuse at the surrounding customers. Atta girl. We love a woman who commits crimes to avenge the wrongs recently erased from her timeline.

And here come the cops, always ready for a little scuffle. A little play with balls and bats. There they go, giving Miss Daisy a nice little tap on the head and rendering her unconscious. Well, better pay the time for the crime than drop a dime on life-saving hospitalization, am I right?

Am I? Am I right? Come on guys, don’t leave me—

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Are we rolling? No, nobody ever tells me anything. What segment are we on? I mean—

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Tim and Chase have decided to plunge into their Take Two together, because communicating the boundaries of their complicated relationship in the present timeline didn’t work out. Let’s see. We can see Tim’s hands have grown considerably. Who is he trying to intimidate? Bigfoot? And Chase has returned mostly as himself, wearing a “Bros 4 Lyfe” t-shirt. Well, let’s forgive him for it. He’s only sixteen after all.

There goes Tim, initiating the bro-grab. His Hand 2.0 almost completely encircles Chase’s neck, which isn’t scary at all. Chase leans in, whispering something to Tim. Luckily, I’m an expert lip reader. Chase says, “I’m totally gay for you but have too many repressed feelings to acknowledge it. I will continue to harbor them until I’m 40 and single.” Wait a minute. That’s not right. Oh, you guys see Chase pointing at his shirt too, right? I think he just said, “Sorry dude, no homo. Can you get your giant hand off me?”

Tim didn’t like that. Not a bit. He’s yelling now, waving his big hands everywhere—oh my God! He almost clipped the teacher! She’s calling somebody. Ah. The police officers have arrived. You know, the ones hired to be on campus. Huh. Must be a public-school thing. They’re grabbing Tim, pressing him into the ground because he’s a sixteen-year-old hardened criminal, all the while Tim’s screaming at Chase. I don’t need to lip-read for you guys, right? You can all hear him when he says “What the fuck are you scared of? Why can’t you admit your gay?” Good.

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What a whirlwind, but we’re not finished yet! We’ve saved the best for last, and you’re gonna love it! Will Mr. President finally own up to his actions and publicly admit he’s been riding high in BS for the last four years? Let’s find out!

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And of course, we can’t see Mr. President’s Take Two transformation from looking at his Chirps, but I do want to point out his spray tan is looking especially fresh in his profile picture. Self-care, am I right? Who knows what’s hiding under those chemicals? But I digress. Let’s see how he’s decided to use his second chance today.

Even though these girls are grossly overweight, their confidence shows that the after pictures, once they’ve shed a few pounds, will be well worth the wait. Good work to Mikey Sports for thinking long term.

Wowza! Not everybody’s Take Two is the best. We can already see the hashtag impeachmrUSA trending, filled with, well, unsavory backlash. People, stop attacking the hair and gait of good ol’ USA and instead call him and his followers out on their time-warpy rhetoric (and not in the goofy Second Chances way). But what do I know? I’m just a show host with a lightly scripted tv show to record. And baby, I’ve been freestyling for a while now. I’m surprised I haven’t been fired! Or kille—

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Thanks for tuning in to Second Chances! What doozies tonight, right? Well, grossly misusing time travelling technology for a few laughs and dollars is tricky business. But it sure is fun to watch! Tune in next week to see what darling Liza Ann wanted to make right with her little brother Chuck. Such cuties will make for some light viewing.

Good night from yours truly, Diego Frontera. Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Good—

Let go of me! Jesus, somebody had to say something. You need me. I bring in the female demographic. No, stop, please—

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Bye!