In Bloom

Clarisse wasn’t sure when it started. She could only remember her bestfriend, Liam, look at her in concern whenever she would pound on her chest, the feeling of suffocation tight on her throat. She didn’t really want to worry him, so she pushed his concerns aside, saying that she was fine and that maybe the feeling would go away in a few days.

It didn’t. It’s been two months and that feeling didn’t go away like she expected any cough or cold would, which scares the hell out of her but wouldn’t admit in front of Liam. She felt worse than the first time, seeing as she’d been coughing more violently the past few days and there was a throbbing in her stomach, threatening to get out of her chest. If she could, she would have already clawed whatever it was inside out of her system. She didn’t tell Liam that she was feeling those things. She was frightened enough already.

With the insistence of the bestfriend and just as annoying close friends, she sat beside him at the waiting room, playing with his long fingers to pass time. Clarisse ignored the fluttering in the depths of her stomach when his fingers tightened on hers, the silver ring he loved to wear grazing her skin. She must be really nervous, her stomach keeps on acting up, like there were sets of butterflies flying around, dodging their way around her organs. She sent him a nervous grin, which he returned with a gummy smile making her feel relieved, but didn’t make the “butterflies” stop, much less the bouncing of her leg.

Clarisse thought that she shouldn’t even be here, her body stiff and uncomfortable with both the hard, wooden bench they were sitting on and the tense atmosphere of not knowing what was wrong with her. She never liked hospitals. She felt constricted, too conscious of the people’s pain around her when she’s already too aware of her own. She should’ve told Liam that all she needed was cough syrup, a few nights’ rest, and good food. She should’ve fought tooth and nail with her friends to make them stop convincing her to have her checkup because her coughs were not normal anymore, like if she coughed anymore, she would probably throw her lungs out.

She jumped in her seat when the doctor’s secretary called her name, exchanging worried glances with Liam. He smiled tightly, which, she supposed, was meant to be reassuring, before standing and pulling her up with him. “You need me inside or you wanna be alone?” He asked, his arm settling around her shoulders and pulling her close to him. He rubbed Clarisse’s arm absently, goosebumps dancing on her skin at the contact.

She was about to respond when Liam’s phone rang, breaking the silence. He removed his arm over her shoulders, retrieved the phone from his pocket, his lips breaking out in a smile when he realized who the caller was. Glimpsing on his phone, she felt an onslaught of itchiness at the base of her esophagus and tried to clear her throat several times. Well, that answered his question. Clarisse motioned him to take the call. He hesitantly pressed the button before smiling apologetically at her. “I’ll be back.” He said before pressing his phone over his ear.

Making sure that Liam was out of range, she cleared her throat forcefully a few more times before breaking out into violent coughs. She must have sounded too sick and probably too loud when the doctor’s secretary, a kind middle-aged lady, helped Clarisse by rubbing her back in a soothing manner. It did help a little, the lady escorting her inside the clinic with a bottle of water in her other hand. She let herself be led by the lady to sit on the black leather sofa when another bout of coughing occurred, tears clinging at the lashes of her eyes.

“Here drink this up, dear. It won’t stop your coughing but it would make you feel better.”

She grabbed the bottle of water from the lady, the cap already unscrewed. Clarisse gave her a tight but grateful smile before downing gulps of water, which eventually helped the constricting feeling in her chest. The lady seemed to know something about her condition when she noticed the sad smile on her face, her stomach sinking with dread. That was when she knew that something is terribly wrong with her.

Paying no heed to the lady’s reaction as much as she could, she leaned back on the sofa and tried to catch her breath. She must have been staring at nothing for quite a while when she realized the lady sat next to her and held her hand, rubbing her calloused fingers on her knuckles was soothing it made her fell asleep.

Clarisse didn’t realize that she had closed her eyes when the old lady shifted in her seat and reached out for something. She jolted when she felt a light graze on her lips. There was the lady, with a single pale blue petal in between her fingers. She didn’t need to see the doctor to know what illness she has and it took all that she had not to scream.

She didn’t know what to do and was slightly grateful when the doctor came in, a sympathizing look on his face when he saw the petal on his secretary’s fingers. Clarisse’s eyes followed the lady when she stood up and placed said petal on her hand, offered her a small smile, and went out of the room.

With the gentle thud of the door, she tried her hardest not to cry.

---

Clarisse’s tears had dried by the time she got out of the clinic, her eyes unfocused as she sat down on the bench by the hallway. She was both thankful and disappointed that Liam had yet to return from his conversation with his girlfriend. So much for being a supportive friend like he claimed, she shook her head and chuckled bitterly. Taking in her current situation and trying to forget her friend for the meantime, she clutched the documents given to her by the kind secretary, who gave her her own personal number and told her to reconsider and move on.

It wasn’t that easy, of course, moving on. She had Hanahaki Disease. To think that having an unrequited love would be the cause of someone’s demise is both laughable and saddening; that the extent of someone’s feelings would take form in something so beautiful but deadly. According to medical specialists, the flowers vary from person to person and, if unattended, could grow further inside the lungs that would suffocate the victim.

Clarisse knew that when she saw that pale blue petal, she didn’t have to think who it was. If she hadn’t coughed out that petal, she would still be living in denial that she could hide the feelings she had for him. She laughed without humor, apparently her feelings were too strong for to be kept hidden.

For the first time since she went out of the clinic, Clarisse looked at the documents in front of her, smoothing out the creases she made at the sides of the papers. It was a list of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the country, complete with their schedules and nondisclosure fees, which are of course, apart from the surgeon’s fee. She wondered if all these expenses were worth it, removing the budding wisteria flowers inside her, when she was going to be poisoned by the damned flowers anyway. The doctor expressed the urgency for the surgery due to the toxicity of the flowers and to take the surgery before the flower blooms further. She’s going to die either way. She’d rather die with dignity than live, unsure of her feelings and everything.

The doctor informed her that once she agrees to the operation, the whole budding plant would be removed from her lungs. However, she would be emotionally numb for the rest of her life, considering she survives the operation and the possibility of being disabled due to the side effect of the toxin of the flower seeds.

It’s only a matter of time before she dies either of suffocation or poison. Clarisse shook her head. She knew it might be clichéd to say but if loving him was the reason she would die then she would accept it. She thought it would also be practical not to do the surgery. She’ll never be normal again. She would rather die than feel numb the rest of her life.

With a deep breath and firm resolve, she tore the papers into pieces and dumped it in the garbage can. She didn’t want to dwell of the repercussions of her decision at the moment. She had plenty of time to do that at home. Staring at the pale blue petal, Clarisse thought twice whether she should throw her very first petal or not. She chuckled before pulling out her wallet and neatly tucked in the delicate petal in one of the leather’s pockets.

She was startled out of her thoughts when she heard her name echoing the hallways. She looked back and saw Liam running towards her with a concerned look but a small smile on his face. Clarisse sighed and forced a grin on her face.

Time to act like you’re not hurting, Clarisse. You’re already an expert so keep it up.

--

After having lunch and a few probing regarding her health with Liam, Clarisse went home to her current roommate-slash-bff, Dessa, who looked like she was having troubles trying to paint her toenails. The latter looked up when the door closed and brightened when she realized it was her.

“Hey! You’re back! How was your date with lover boy?” she teased while blowing on her nails, trying to make it dry faster. Dessa continued to tease her because of her relationship with Liam, but would always tell her that it’s not what she thinks and that he has a girlfriend. It wouldn’t stop the girl from teasing them together, though.

Usually Clarisse was prepared with a comeback whenever Dessa teases her but this time she was too tired to think of anything. She sat on the sofa, the facade she’s been showing Liam drops as she hunched over herself, her eyes started tearing up with the revelation that she would die soon and together with her feelings for him. She couldn’t control the onslaught of emotions and the sobs that racked through her, alerting Dessa with the distressed sound she made.

In her haste, Dessa dropped the nail polish she was holding earlier and spilled red on their white carpet. “Oh my God, Clarisse, are you alright? What happened?”

“I have Hanahaki Disease, Dessa,” she sobbed. She could feel her bestfriend tense up, before hugging her tightly. Clarisse didn’t even have to say anything. Dessa knew who it was and she knew how serious his relationship is with his girlfriend. There’s nothing else to do but to accept what’s happening, and if Clarisse didn’t want the surgery then she wouldn’t push her. All Dessa could do was to support her bestfriend’s decision and be there for her whatever happens.

“Everything’s going to be okay, babe.”

They both know how empty those words were.

-

It got worse especially whenever she sees Liam. It was too much and more painful to see Liam with his girlfriend.

It was plain to see that he was utterly and devotedly hers. Clarisse knew that she’s good for him and it was taking everything not to hate her but she does. So she did what she was good at, hiding and staying away from them. It’s already bad that her feelings for Liam had somehow mutated to something life-threatening inside her, but to see them doing couple things? To hear the affection he had for her whenever he mentions her name? She tried her best not to erupt into petal-induced coughs.

Clarisse thought that maybe she could buy more time if she would be able to move on from him. To nip the bud when it’s barely starting but it was futile. Because the moment she sees him, however brief, any form of ill feelings towards him melted into something much warmer and lighter. And then morphed into something unimaginably painful. She knew she was a goner. She was constantly thinking about him to the point that she was saturated with her utter devotion for him.

So the next time she visited the doctor, she was no longer surprised that the wisteria was blooming beautifully at a rapid pace, the film from the machine showing how it has mutated into something so stunning that it showed the majestic growth of the flowers even in black and white.

The lady who helped her the first time looked at her with sympathy, probably witnessing the same happen to a lot of other patients who came to that clinic. The doctor told Clarisse that she was beyond help, that she could no longer opt for surgery, since the flower was already too large in her system, that even if they cut it down, it would still grow and kill her. That everything they do at this point will be a waste of time and money.

Clarisse no longer cried. She had accepted the reality that she lost someone she couldn’t even have. The pain of lost love, the worst pain that any world could offer.

She gave a polite bow to both of them, thanking them for their advice and help before shutting the door quietly behind her.

-

By now everyone, even Liam, knew that she had Hanahaki Disease. Who wouldn’t when she was busy coughing up bright purple petals. She lost weight because she couldn’t even eat without bursting into violent coughs, petals littering her person and the space she’s occupying. During those times, Liam would look at her with a look in his eyes and try to convince her to consider surgery, that whoever it was not worth the life she’s throwing away.

And Clarisse would smile because yes, you are worth it but she wouldn’t voice it out loud. She would let him talk with that concerned tone coloring his tone and wouldn’t bother replying. She looked at him like she wouldn’t be able to do that for a long time. Maybe she wouldn’t. She probably wouldn’t.

When Liam noticed her silence, he smiled sadly and held her hand. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“But you already did.” Clarisse thought, and her chest didn’t throb painfully as it did before.

-

Her last day at the university ended in a teary affair. Her professors and close friends hugging her frail form as they said their goodbyes and as much as Clarisse wanted to hug back, she had no more strength left in her, so she drank in their frames and stored it in her memories. She knew that this would be the last time that they would see her.

Dessa was helping her pack her stuff in the apartment and they talked about everything and anything. But when they retreated to their rooms, she heard her bestfriend’s muffled sobs, trying her best not to let her hear.

The wisteria plant must have been draining her of her tears, which she was grateful for, because she couldn’t even shed a tear now. Clarisse carefully stood up from her bed and went in Dessa’s room quietly, climbing into her bed. Her bestfriend rolled to her side and hugged her tightly, sobbing onto her chest.

-

The night before she travels home, Clarisse was sleeping over at Liam’s apartment. They pretend that she was just going home for vacation. That in a few days she’ll be back with treats from her mother and a few trinkets from her sisters. That she would be able to text when she’s bored or when she finds something interesting.

“I’ll miss you.” Liam whispered when they lied down on the fort he laid out in the living room, few stray tears making its way on his cheeks.

Clarisse reached out the best she could, her thin fingers wiping the tears away. “I’ll miss you, too.” She could feel a rustle in her chest and she knew. She knew her time is almost up and it’s a matter of hours before she was gone.

She was surprised when Liam lifted his hand and wiped her tears too. She didn’t know she was still capable of crying. She raised her hand and rested on his. Clarisse wanted to kiss the frown on his face but she knew she couldn’t, so she opted for a hug. He was hers, she reminded herself as she drifted into dreamland.

They ended up staying that way, his arms around her just like she hoped. Maybe her wishes would come true tomorrow, that when she wakes up, she’s okay. Things were back to normal. That he recognizes her feelings and loves her just as she loves him.

Clarisse knew that wasn’t the case. Her eyes opened wide when she felt the petals were rising and feel them clogging her throat. She refused to scream her pain and tried to push Liam away, sparing him the pain of seeing her dead the moment he opens his eyes.

With a final cry, Clarisse was gone.

-

When Liam woke up, he thought that somehow, everything’s fine. Clarisse will get better, the petals will miraculously be removed from her system, and she’ll move on. He’d move heaven and earth just to see her happy.

He sat up, confused that he was almost at the edge of the blanket. Liam had to fix something for breakfast before she leave and move back to her parents’ house to heal and recover.

Liam couldn’t help the anguished cry he let out the moment he saw Clarisse’s peaceful form, cold and lifeless, radiant purple wisteria petals between her teeth.