The Search Party

Yesterday morning, my friend’s neighbor went missing. A little girl named Lily who was eight years old. Kelly asked if we’d join the search party scheduled for today. Of course we said yes. There we were, four young women with flashlights shuffling through a forest of fallen leaves. The sun was setting, making such dire circumstances seem unfittingly beautiful. The four of us walked in one line, side by side. In unison, we took one step forward with each swipe of our flashlights, like a chorus line fighting crime.

To make matters worse, my stomach hurt. I wasn’t nervous for the missing girl, but I should’ve been. In reality, I was bloated from my lunchtime burrito. I had my first bite when Lizzie called. I scarfed down the bean bullet to make it on time for my civil duties. My dietary decision didn’t hit me until I was handed my flashlight. My stomach inflated twice its size. It wasn’t squishy like its normal self. It was tight, round, and seemingly unburstable. With each lunge through the forest, my butt cheeks clenched tighter. I could not fart while searching for a missing girl. I could not let that sort of disrespect follow me and my family name.

My steps grew smaller. I was falling behind my comrades. I checked my watch, looking for a sign of escape. I swore the sun didn’t move for what seemed like 30 minutes. My tummy was at mass capacity. I needed relief but not here. What excuse could I fabricate? I couldn’t say I found something “over there,” at least 20 yards away from everyone else. Then, the whole police force would be scouring for evidence, only to cough through my cloud of gas and to follow their dogs as they endlessly sniff my butt.

My steps transformed into a shuffle. I pondered if poop would run down my pants and sweated in the middle of a Midwestern November. I held my breath like a swimmer and hadn’t said a word for five minutes. I was about to --

Pfft.

Sweet, sweet relief.

“What was that?” Kelly asked.

Oh no, no relief.

“Did you hear that?” She pressed.

“Yeah,” Tina and Ashley confirmed, to my dismay.

“I didn’t hear anything,” I lied.

“Really? I definitely heard something,” Kelly proved smarter than my trick. “What was that?”

“Probably some animal,” I started. “There are animals in the woods,” I rambled. “They live here. Lots of them do. They make noises. Let’s keep searching!” I marched on for no one to follow me, so I turned around.

“That didn’t sound like an animal.”

“Maybe a dying animal.” Tina always exaggerated things.

“Should we report it to the authorities?” Kelly asked.

“I don’t see why not,” Ashley responded. It would take the best lawyers, researchers, scientists, and philosophers to convince her not to do something.

“There’s no need to get others involved,” I countered. “I’m sure it was nothing.” At least nothing that pertained to the case at hand.

“I’m not so sure,” Tina weighed in. “This could be the thing that leads to Lily. I’d regret it if we never reported it.” With the mention of regret, I knew I was doomed. Then, my insides pushed again. I could not afford to fart twice. I’d be found out as a farter and a liar. The gas pressured my butthole, like a SWAT team swinging battering rams to break down doors. In my dire mindset, I imagined pooping myself in front of my friends. I’d make a mess of it. We’d all end up sick, yanking and ruining a potential crime scene.

“So we alert the authorities?” Kelly asked with the whistle in her hand.

The gas expanded my tummy three times its size, with increasing anxiety. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said. The built-up fumes made it hard to talk normally. “We’re not 100% sure it’s anything. We can’t waste the officers’ time and resources.”

My jury stood silent. Their eyebrows furrowed. Their arms crossed. They looked around for answers. Despite my aching stomach, things seemed to be looking up for me.

“But what if it’s Lily?” Ashley asked. I couldn’t win against a missing girl.

“Right, it could be her,” Tina added.

“Okay, I’ll call them.” Kelly primed her lips to blow on the whistle. She inhaled, when --

Pffffffft.

It was too late to turn around. My friends all looked at me. I shrugged.

“What was that?” Tina asked. She sometimes needed a hint or two on puzzles and crosswords.

“Sarah farted,” Ashley explained on my behalf, encouraging the group to shake their heads and hold their noses.

“Did you make that sound earlier?” Kelly questioned.

“Yes,” I murmured. “Good thing you didn't alert authorities,” I added and forced a chuckle. No one joined.

“Let’s get back to searching,” Kelly directed the group.

“Sorry if I let you down,” I added as we got back to dragging our feet.

“It’s alright,” she replied. “But I did get a bit hopeful.”

We waded through the fallen leaves, scanning the forest floor for anything out of the ordinary.

“Sarah,” Tina started.

“Yeah?”

“If you’re gonna fart again, don’t do it by me.”

“Me neither,” Ashley and Kelly were quick to echo.

“Duly noted,” I replied and stayed back a few feet.

“Are you already farting again?”

“No, I’m just taking precautionary measures.”

I continued searching ten feet behind my friends, free to fart at will.

Honk!

We froze and looked at each other.

“Someone found something,” Kelly said.

“No,” Ashley started. “Sarah just farted again.”

I gawked as the others laughed. “That wasn’t me!” I faked disappointment and smiled, relieved to laugh again. It was not the most appropriate setting for laughter.

“But someone did find something,” Kelly grounded us again.

We nodded and tracked back to the meeting point, and I farted three times on our way. My friends ran away from me, with the best of intentions. My ride home was miserable, windows perpetually rolled down.