I Wish I Could But I Can't

Nobody has ever been more disappointed. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks, Jean. Weeks. You know I love a children’s dance recital. If I could go to them every weekend, I would. When I look at the calendar, and I don’t see a children’s dance recital penciled in on either Saturday or Sunday, I just about burst into tears. The thought of not getting to spend three-to-five hours in a cramped, hot auditorium sitting on a folding chair watching a bunch of eight-year-olds attempt to do ballet fills my spirit with joy. I cannot believe I have to miss Lacey’s big moment. Out of all nineteen of my nieces, she is, by far (and don’t tell the others I said this), the most talented one. Granted, Luke Jr. is probably the best dancer of the bunch, but Luke won’t let him take classes, so it’s unlikely he’ll ever realize his full potential.

Hmm?

Oh! Yes, the reason I won’t be attending. Of course. I can’t believe I forgot to mention it. Well, you know how Arthur and I have been separated for a few years now? Would you believe, in all that time, I have not gone on so much as a coffee date with anyone. It’s not for lack of trying. It’s just that we live in a small town, and the dating pool has some pee in it, if you ask me. I don’t mean to scandalize you with language like that, Jean, but it’s true. The men here are either old, dumb, or a distant relative. I had just about given up on ever finding a connection again.

Then, I was on my phone one night, scrolling through all the photos Martina posts of her dog (I know, I know) and I saw this ad for this new dating app called Now! Apparently, it’s an app for people who are looking to meet potential partners sooner rather than later. Now, I thought it was an app for dating and love, but as it turns out, it’s purely physical. You meet somebody, you exchange brief niceties, and then you--

Well, I’m sure you can fill in the rest.

Now, I’m not that type of person, but honestly, it’s been so long, I figured it might be fun just to see who was on there. So, I downloaded the app, and the next thing I knew, I had messages from men all over the state. Some as far as an hour away! Yes, Jean, it turns out I am quite the looker in a few of my photos. Granted, I chose ones that were a couple of years old, but, as you know, the women in my family age remarkably well. Why, when Great-Grandma Louella died, she was nearly a hundred and people thought she had just graduated college. Of course, that might be because we buried her in a graduation robe when we couldn’t find the dress she liked. She always did look good in flowy outfits, and the robe was the cheapest thing we could find. The price on burial garbs has gone through the roof lately.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes! I got asked out on a date. And then another, and another. I wasn’t going to follow through on any of them, because I knew what these men were expecting, but then I thought--

I could always go and, you know, sort of play it by ear.

The next thing I know, I’m meeting this perfect stranger named, uh, well, his name was--

Okay, well, I did say he was a stranger, didn’t I?

We met up at the lighthouse where he works, and he gave me a full tour. Once we were at the top, he leaned in to kiss me, and Jean, I just lost myself completely. It was all so romantic. Right up until that ship crashed into the rocks beneath us. I didn’t mean to distract him, but I honestly didn’t think ships still used lighthouses for guidance. I mean, did you know that? I didn’t know that.

Since then, it’s been one tryst after another. At a bowling alley. In a barn. A few of the bedroom displays at IKEA. I’ve just been having the time of my life. I never thought I’d be this kind of woman, but then again, what kind of woman is that? If I were a man, they’d be calling me a playboy. Call me a play-lady then. I’ll happily take the title.

Hmm?

Oh!  Well, you see, the lighthouse man wants me to come by this weekend, and since I’ve already been to every dance recital every one of my niece’s has ever done, I figured I could skip this one and crash a few more ships instead.

Now, Jean, there is no reason to use that kind of language on me. I have no interest in what you may think of me or my activities. You have Paul (for whatever that’s worth) and your kids and all that excitement going on, and what do I have? And when have you ever shown concern over what little I have? You should be happy for me, Jean, because I know I’m going to be happy for me even if you aren’t. Is that clear?

I’ve never asked for pity and I’ve never shirked my duties as a member of this family. I’ve gone to birthday parties and baptisms and I was even there when Luke III got his tonsils out. I was the one who made him all that soup and sang to him every night while Luke and his wife were in the living room playing “Who Can Drink the Most Martinis?” I never judged and I never will. But I am going to do what I want, and that’s that.

Tell Lacey that her aunt wanted to be there, but came down with a cold. Even better, tell her I went sailing and my ship went into a rock. Just be sure and tell her that I’ll be okay. Tell her that no matter what, I’m going to be just fine.