Carousel

“You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around – and why his parents will always wave back.”

― William D. Tammeus

She was in the empty lot behind her friend’s house. An open grassy field where the carousel lay thick in thorns and shrubbery. Just sitting on the ground in front of it wondering where all the time had gone. 

“Lily! Come over to the creek! I set up the bridge with some wood I found in my dad’s shed!”

It had been so long ago she had heard those words spoken. She missed those days where she still had the childhood simplicity and gullibility. The days where summer seemed full of life and friendship.

Now it only simmered with the stench of betrayal.

“He’s moving, June! Moving! And she’s coming instead. Her and her whole family and they are taking over everything. Even moving into their house!” Lily stared into the treetops over their small bridge on the creek. She sat up completely and hopped off the bridge. Taking to throwing stones to the nearest tree stump.

“Lily, she can’t be that bad. She’s our age anyhow. Maybe you can be her friend and we can all make trips to get slushies now.” June spoke reasonably, with her commanding voice. Oh how Lily hated when she knew June was right.

She was walking the path back to her friend’s house. Saw as the cat they had so tenderly named Peaches hummed up against another girl’s legs.

“I’m Ellis.” Everyone repeated saying hello to her. Lily watched as people chatted with her as if they had no intentions of ever bringing him up again. They were like that with everyone in her family. If someone ever dared to say his name, they were spoken into a formidable punishment of silence for long after that. It was as if his existence stopped after he moved.

---

“I’m telling you, June. I’m not allowed to bring him up. Or his family. It’s like some bad mojo anytime someone does. I’m trying to be nice, but why doesn’t anyone understand he was a bigger part of our lives than we could wash him away with? For God’s sake, he tried to show me a secret swimming hole and taught me every sport I know and was the only one to also obsess over cartwheels.” Lily was angered, her voice rising each time she was able to huff out something new.

“Lily, I know it feels like childhood has been swallowed and devoured, but we are growing older. It’s only natural that seasons change and people move. I did and we still hang out. We get to be by each other’s side still, Lily. And we get a pretty cool creek and a homemade bridge. What’s better than that?”

She thought it was weird that things could change so much and she could still be staring at the same stubborn patch of grass on her lawn that refused to grow after all this time. Even walking down her old street and people-watching in the neighborhood felt strange. Not nostalgic, but like there was a dull ache in her side. 

There was a boy running into the corner store she used to ride her bike to when she and her brother went up to buy snacks after raking leaves. She could’ve sworn she heard that same laugh from her brother years ago, but she couldn’t even muster up a smile for the memory.

“Ellis is going to homecoming with us actually! It is all figured out. She’s going to be our brother’s date that way we can get her in.” Lily overheard this while doodling across her paper. Airplanes and flowers and the first snowflakes of winter even though it was still only October.

They were talking to Lily’s older sister all about the plan they had concocted. Ellis had earned their friendship faster than Lily. In fact, Lily was struggling to get them to even notice her. She was the one at the events people could care less about. Ellis came and blew everyone’s minds with her personality in the same time it took to say hello.

Lily wasn’t very excited at the prospect of them all going to the school dance together. Not just because she was dying to be friends with her older sister’s friends, but because they were setting Ellis up with the boy she had liked long before Ellis even knew anyone from their small town existed.

Just like that, Lily realized she could never be wanted the same way Ellis was to anyone she ever came into contact with. She knew she was filled with envy, with jealousy, but she couldn’t stop it from filling the void in her heart he left when he moved. Ellis was beautiful and kind, and everything Lily wished she could become.

She was folding over the same piece of paper again and again. It was the only happy birthday note she had been written for her sixteenth birthday from someone at school. Someone who saw that her older sister posted it in her story that same morning.

Lily’s birthday was only a couple days from Ellis’ birthday. She knew people would be buzzing all month about her birthday, constantly saying happy early or late birthday to her. Lily only wanted to hang out with her one and only friend for her sweet sixteen though because she knew they’d all be too focused on Ellis to remember. June, all of fall thus far, had been hanging with a girl named Sam from school, however.

Sam and Lily met and hit it off, but it didn’t stop the jealousy from the situation with Ellis from creeping over. They went up and got slushies, walking around the blocks. They saw an orange cat and it had fluff lasting lifetimes. Together, June and Sam named it Peaches. Lily took pictures of the two friends petting Peaches when they had named her. Lily realized that June had been able to hang out with Sam more since they lived closer to one another than she and Lily. She knew that this wouldn’t stop June and her from being friends though. They grew up together and June made a promise.

Lily waited all day on her birthday. Waiting for a card or message from June saying happy birthday. She never received one, even after waiting days after, hoping for something in the mail. Lily figured it was because June wasn’t good with remembering dates all the time, that was all. She refused to let her envy self-sabotage her only friendship.

She drove down the road, dissociating from the actual process driving took. Slush from snow that didn’t last the night before clogged the roads, causing crowding and congestion on the freeway. She saw a poster for her old high school, it was sitting in front of a gas station. She turned past it, trying not to let it mock her.

“Lily! You know that Ellis is transferring to your school, right?” She looked up to meet her older sister’s glance and tried not to let her disappointment show.

“I thought she’d stay at her old school, you know? She’s always raving about it?”

“Yeah,” Lily’s sister broke into a smile, “But I recommended your school and even helped her out into getting into some of the programs.”

Lily smiled back at her sister and broke eye contact. She couldn’t keep the fake smile planted on her face if she continued looking into her sister’s eyes.

---

It was only a coincidence that they happened to be reading Julius Caesar in English that year. Lily watched as Ellis gained friendships with everyone in the school, even her own school friends. Lily even came home one day and her older sister had gone out to see Ellis at an indoor track meet she was competing in. 

Lily rode in the shotgun seat in silence, radio blaring, next to her dad each morning on her way to school. Watching as the snow slushed under their tires and hypnotized by the idea of graduating as soon as she could to leave her small town life.

---

Talk of his family coming back was the gossip that bloomed faster than the flowers. She was at an Easter dinner when the gossip was in full bloom for the season.

Whispers around her that he didn’t like his new home. There wasn’t a forest to get lost in, so who could really blame him? Where he had moved was completely different than where he grew up. She bet he missed his friends, but deep down, she thought he might miss her too.

“Lily, we’re going out for coffee next week.”

“Who?”

“Kayley, Ellis, Chloe, and I.”

Lily smiled brightly. “Make sure to get me something. Preferably with chocolate.”

“Just come with us and get something.”

“Oh! So I was invited?”

“Technically there wasn’t an invite, but they always love it when you tag along!”

Lily never went to get coffee with them.

She was walking in the fields behind her school. The last time she was here it was the last day and the grass was slightly overgrown. No matter where she went to sit and stare at the blue of the sky, she’d hear people nearby. They always gave her a funny look. He never gave her a funny look. He’d be the one racing her up an oak tree and playing spies with her and June.

It seemed the last of the springtime had been swallowed whole though. There had been no April showers, but now, in July, the ground was only mud. The sun didn’t shine and she couldn’t remember when she last heard the birds chirping. Her summers never felt like waking up and running down to get her dad’s scrambled eggs as birds sat on telephone wires and people walked their dogs anymore. They felt like a cancerous grey that sat in the pit of her stomach.

“He’s back for the summer!”

Across the yard, she saw him talking to her brother.

Her sister was sitting on the porch next to Lily.

“You didn’t know? He’s been here for about a week.” She gave a small laugh.

“Well, how come you guys don’t tell me anything?”

“We do, maybe you just don’t listen.”

---

And so it went. He was there for a month before she finally got to talk to him. Even so, he was in a group. Just chatting about girls and sports to his friends.

Lily piped in. “Hey! I’m still playing the one game you taught me years ago. The one where you throw the ball up and shout something and whoever touches it last gets whatever it is. You remember that?”

He made brief eye contact and gave a tilted smirk.

“Oh yeah, that’s pretty cool.”

And that was it. The only thing he ever said to Lily the whole entire summer until about a week before he was due to go back.

Everyone was having a summer barbeque. A going-away party of sorts. Kids were running and laughing. There were burgers and hotdogs and cookies bought from a store that someone put on their own plate. It felt like the best summer she ever had with him those years ago.

Lily went down to the creek and walked along it. Up and around corners, finding different stones that looked good enough for skipping. She climbed up small cascades of water, not quite big enough to be considered waterfalls, and sat on a rock that was also not quite big enough to be considered a boulder.

After a couple minutes, she realized how completely alone she was. She wasn’t sure if she even liked it here in this spot he found so many summers ago anymore. She was about to go back when she heard the sopping of tennis shoes. From up the cascade of water emerged Owen. He was so different from that summer he took me to this spot. His hair wasn’t cropped as short and his eyes looked more green in the reflection of the water than brown.

“Wow. This place looks weird now that I’ve come back to it.” He grinned and carefully made his way over to Lily, making sure to step on the dry rocks, so as to not slip on the moss-covered ones.

“Yes. It seems like everything has changed.”

“You think? Because sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. That’s why it’s so odd to me.”

Lily watched as Owen picked through the collection of skipping stones she harbored and put on the not quite boulder. He grabbed one that seemed indistinguishable from the others and launched it across the creek. It only skipped four times before losing it’s momentum and dropping into the water for good.

“I guess I’ve lost my touch.”

“Don’t skip rocks anymore like you used to do back home, huh?”

Owen gazed over at Lily.

“Well, this isn’t quite home really, though, is it?” He picked up another stone and tried again. This time only three skips.

“I guess so.” Lily was tired of the conversation already. Owen was usually so full of life. Always able to skip it at least eight times. Always bragging about how he came down here and practiced multiple times a week. Where was the same passion?

“Things have changed, you know? I think you have too.”

Owen blankly stared back at her. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You aren’t the same bravo boy-wonder I used to praise you as. That’s what that’s supposed to mean.”

“You’re one to talk, Lily. What happened to you? Do you feel lost without all the attention now, is that it?” Tossing another stone, it plundered, only two skips in this time.

“That’s right. I heard that Ellis is the talk of the century. She even hangs out with your sister more than you.”

Lily’s expression turned sour. “What do you care if I don’t like Ellis! How could I, I mean, you moved and she took your place and my place.”

“You know that’s not true! I’ve never seen you so jealous in your life, Lily! Why are your eyes so full of envy every time you look at her? Stop pretending it’s about me! It never was! I’m not your excuse!” Owen’s voice was booming and thunderous.

The partly-cloudy day became worse. The sun was blocked out by a single dark grey cloud.

“How could you say that?! I’ve been waiting for you. Watching as people forgot about every happy memory and replaced them with another one with new people. Ellis came and took away the only people who even slightly remembered you, Owen!”

He shook his head dramatically. Tears started rolling down Lily’s face as small droplets started dropping on their heads.

“Lily, we all learn and grow. All of us, they still remember me. They just don’t let memories drag them down.

His voice was becoming softer, less vocal. “I think the problem is that you are stuck. You aren’t learning and growing like we used to do. You’re letting things drag you down and allowing jealousy to fuel rage. Stop waiting, Lily, it’s childish.”

By now, it was pouring. Lily was sobbing and Owen was backing up. 

“It’s not childish to wait!” She barely choked out the words.

There was a flash of something in Owen’s eyes. Maybe guilt, anger, regret, or sadness; Lily couldn’t figure it out.

“Lily… Remember that carousel in June’s backyard? The one we used to play on and pretend we were spies riding horses to a mission?”

Lily nodded.

“Lily, you need to stop searching for people every time you go around the carousel. Step off the carousel. The people who used to wave as you went around left a long time ago. That’s why no one waves back.”

He left. Lily’s breath heaving from crying so hard, almost like her lungs were going to collapse.

He was right. They were all right.

She grabbed a rock that was not made to skip. It wasn’t even a part of her pile of skipping stones, but she hurled the rock anyway. It didn’t skip once. It sank into the water immediately.

She didn’t say a final goodbye to Owen before he left. She didn’t wait for the summer to arrive anymore or college or anything to do with the future.

Presently, she was doing okay. Summer was ending, she watched the sky as the grey decided to finally subside. Lily visited the carousel one last time before she decided it was time to never come back to these memories. She found a marking she made at eight years old; J.O.L 1998. She picked up a nearby rock, one that could make the cut for a skipping stone maybe, and scraped out the marking.

She’d find someone else to wave to.