Palace of Second Chance

It’s here. It is in this place where we first met, where we celebrated our first Valentine’s Day. The lapping waves kissing my feet in melancholy, I pull my white cardigan tighter and hugged myself...

“Where are we going?” I asked him as I stepped inside his red Camry car. He smiled at me and leaned forward, his face a few inches from my face. I could smell his rich signature scent that smells of intoxicating mix of forest, cedarwood, and mint, and I gasped as his fingers touched my body lightly.  He withdrew and buckled my seatbelt with steady hands while looking at me, a fire igniting in my stomach.

“You will find out later,” he breathed and pecked on my cheek.

“You look dashing!” I squeaked, nervousness and excitement apparent in my tone. He was wearing a pair of well-fitted brown chino jeans, brown leather shoes and a long sleeve white shirt that stretched across his broad chest and shoulders. His eyes were sapphire blue like the beach and his light brown hair glittered from the golden rays of sunshine in the early morning.  

“Thank you. You might want to change your outfit though,” he chuckled as he fastened his own seatbelt.

“Why? Is there something wrong with it?” I asked and looked down at my red vintage off-shoulder body con dress which my roommate helped me pick last night after a series of grueling dress trials. No, she actually forced me to wear it. She said with indignation “Nothing attracts attention of a man like a red dress!” And I believed her.

“You did not tell me where we are going, it’s not my fault.” I added and glared at him.

He laughed. “I’m just kidding. You are very beautiful.”

My face flushed and I couldn’t help the big toothy smile that spread over my face. He laced his right finger through mine and brought it to his soft pink lips. I held my breath.

“Ready?” he asked.

I looked at this man who stole my heart. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be with a man who made me feel a lot of things I was not used to.

“Yes,” I said and wipe the happy tear that was running on my cheek.

He started driving west of the city. He turned on his phone and the audiobook of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire filled the air with magic and spells. As an interracial couple, we have many differences -- culture, religion, views on marriage and kids, but our interest in books was one of the few things that kept us together.

After listening to three spellbinding chapters of the book or more like, competing to predict the next scene, he stayed silent and turned to the corner of the road.

 “What? We are actually going there?” I asked.

“Yes, babe!” He laughed.

“But why?”

“I want it to be very special for both of us so I figured that taking you to our first date location will be the perfect venue. Do you like it?”

“Yes, but I just did not expect this at all!” I squirmed on my seat as his car moved closer to the 5-star luxury hotel. The lush and landscaped garden with palm trees and silvery water fountains welcomed us. Majestic domes the color of gold rose up to the sky and spread its warmth to the entire palace. Tourists flocked around the fountains as they took selfies in front of the hotel’s grandeur.  

We reached the entrance where the valet awaits.

He then led me to the atrium where you can see vibrant colors of marble in the hues of sunrise and sunset that reflect the desert. The entire interior of the hotel is decorated with gold leaves and at the center is the biggest Swarovski crystal chandelier you can ever see. He took me to the golden majestic halls and corridors where everything is golden plated. It was like we are entering the Hogwart’s castle in the desert. We rode the elevator and he opened the door to the most breathtaking view I’ve ever seen.

Petals of red roses were scattered on the fully-carpeted floor and on the white king-size bed. The round gold-framed mirror, richly embroidered fabrics, walls,  furniture, and even the modern amenities are embossed with authentic luxury Arabian details, and from this distance, you can see the tranquil view of the pristine blue waters over the floor-to-ceiling windows. 

He hugged me from the back. “Do you like it?” he asked.

“I like everything that I experience with you,” I whispered.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, babe,” he breathed to my ears.

I turned around and he wrapped his hands around my waist, pulling me softly into him. I stared at him, our eyes melting and tangling just like the first time we had met.

He looked at me and said, “I love you,” he paused “and I will never stop loving you.”

He pressed his forehead against me.  I roped my arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek.

 “I love you too,” I said. 

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That was three years ago. I continue strolling along the sea shore where the cold waves start bringing moist on my cardigan. I spot a tiny curled shell buried under the fine white sand. I bent and pluck it out, moving it closer to my ears, wanting to listen to its story. I chuckled at the thought of talking to a shell.

“Kryssa?”

That voice. A chill ran down my spine as that deep voice reached my ears, my knees start to wobble.  I know it’s him. How can it be?

I did not dare turn my head towards the direction of that voice. My body freezes as I sense him walking towards me.

“How… have you been?” He stumbled over his words.

I tightly grabbed on the shell, praying it will steady me from shaking. I slowly face him – the light brown hair, broad chest and shoulders and the same bright blue eyes that draw you to its depth. 

I breathe heavily, the sound of waves and the birds breaking the awkward silence.

“Fine,” I finally blurt. “And you?”

“I’m good,” he treaded in that sultry American accent.

“Well, it was nice to see you again, Red.”

As I turn to leave, a pang of longing and pain hit me so hard.

“Kryssa?”

I stop.

“Can we talk?”

I tense as the memories came flooding back. I want to run away as far as I can but I have envisioned this exact scene a thousand times and none of those tells me to escape. I clear my throat and I turn around. “Okay,” I answered. 

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He drove me to my apartment. Everything in my body hurt as I stepped outside his car. I walked light headed, almost like I might faint anytime. He ran to me and insisted that he would bring me inside my room. I just kept my head down, defeated.

His 32^nd birthday celebration turned out to be a Pain Carnival. I thought I would surprise him but it was the other way around. Earlier that day, while I was at work, he confessed to me over the phone that he was dating another woman. I wanted him to tell me in person how it happened when we were very happy together, so I convinced him to meet me in the restaurant hoping that it was all a prank.

 “Are you really dating someone else?” I looked at him intensely, waiting for him to tell me he was joking.

He sat there with hunched shoulders, looking at his palms. “Yes,” he uttered.

“Why? Did I do something wrong? ” I asked in desperation. “I will change---“

“She is as damaged as me,” he stopped me from talking, “Being with her made me feel normal. I felt a connection between the two of us.”

“Tell me you’re joking.” I smiled at him and held his hand.

He pulled his hand back like I was dirt, and gazed at me. “Kryssa, it’s over.”

My heart kept pounding on my chest. “Where did you meet her?”

I bravely asked.

“In a bar.”

“Did you… sleep with her?”  

“We spent two nights together.” he admitted. “Just let me go. She needs me. Please.”

My voice cracked as the sudden realization hit me. I could not give him everything yet…

I literally felt sick with the hatred that coursed through me, that disbelief at him and at myself for being so stupid to always understand and forgive him, the constant push-and-pull, the nights I spent thinking to salvage our relationship. I thought we were winning. To say that I am wrecked is an understatement.

We reached my room.

 “So, this is where it all ends?” I asked.

He shrugged.

His lips appeared before my eyes and I managed to look at him before everything went black.

 I woke up after a few days in the hospital with my friend beside me. She told me I was under high stress and the doctor said I needed a few days off to recover. She clutched my hand and said, “You’re gonna be okay.”

I looked at her, “Where is he?”

“He’s gone,” she whispered. “You will end up somewhere darker if you decide to let him back into your life,” she added and left.

I faced the vacant wall, one cheek tightly pressed into the pillow and let the tears run down their course. The ache in my soul tore me apart but at that night, I only wept for myself.

What came next were long months of restless sleep, dreaming of him again and again, sometimes imagining that he is waiting for me in his red car to take me somewhere safe, and other times met with the bluntness of the last words he had scrubbed in my heart. 

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I trail behind in silence as he walks to the beach side restaurant. He glances back, making sure I am still with him.  He sits on the cozy brown couch under the shade of a palm tree and he gestures for me to sit opposite him. I take a view of the surroundings, the sky golden orange, the boats floating on the marina, the waves gently breaking, the dancing candlelight at the center of the table, and the dominating illuminated exterior of the luxury hotel.

“Do you want to order now?” he said. I cast a sidelong glance.

My eyes dart to the menu being handed by the waiter.

“Sure.” I flip the pages of the menu lazily.

“Their sushi and kebab are the best. You wanna try?”

Heaviness settle in my chest, and I find it difficult to speak. He knows I love that combination. I shrug.

“So, how’s everything?”

“Everything is pretty normal.” I hand the menu back to the waiter and turn my face away from him.

“You look exactly the same when I first met you. No eye contact,” he joked around. "Kryssa, can you please look at me?”

I take deep breaths and try to calm my racing heart. I face him but decided to look at the candelight.

“Why?”

“Because I want to see your eyes, I want to know how you feel.” His voice is raspy.

The sweet music from the bar behind him fill-in the silence. I raise my head slowly and look at him, those blue eyes that haunted me, that pierced right through my heart.    

“What do you see now?” I challenged him.

 He swallowed.

“You are still angry with me.”

I shake my head. “I was.”

He blinked several times.  “Kryssa, I am really sorry for everything.”

I shift uncomfortably on the couch. I see his eyes drowning in sadness before he looked down and wiped something from his face.  Is he crying?

I lift my face to the starry sky, closed my eyes, and for one minute, let everything be another dream.

 “Kryssa…” he mumbled.

I open my eyes and see his face streaming with tears.

“I was in my worst state when we were together. It scared me a lot to be with you, to be with someone who can look beyond my mental health, someone who is willing to journey with me through those… therapies.” He struggles with his breathing. “I hated putting you in a position as if you are responsible for me. I should be the one doing it for you, Kryssa. I was weak. I was a coward. I was irreparable. ”

I can’t breathe as the weight of his words settles on me.

 “I really loved you but it was unfair for you to love a damaged person like me. You deserved a man who can brave his fears and not hurt you all the time.”

I thought I had cried enough for him, but I can’t help the bitter tears rolling down on my cheeks.

 “ When I rushed you in the hospital, it was my cue to let you go,” his voice is breaking, “You who made me feel loved and accepted should not suffer because of me,” he trails off. His body jerks as he says repeatedly, " I am really sorry, I am so sorry..."

I want to pull him close. I want him to know that in all his deficits and flaws, I never thought of him less of a man.

 He comes closer to me. He grabs my hand and brings it to his chest. His palm is soft and reassuring and it feels exactly the way it did when he held me in our first date.

“I really miss you,” he whispered.

I cup his cheek and brush the tears on his face. We didn’t exchange many words after that, but the silence between us is comfortable and forgiving. I watch as the shadows of the candle dance on his handsome face. I watch as the sun says goodbye behind him, leaving the promise of a new beautiful day. I watch as he drapes the blanket around my shoulders and strokes my hair. I watch as he gently takes my hand and blows hot air into it. I smell his familiar scent as he lays his head on my shoulder.

"So, it didn't workout with her?" I play with my hands, nervous of his response.

He lifts my chin." I always find myself thinking about you. "

"How about your therapies?"

"Kryssa, I am in a better state now. I faced and conquered my fears with the hope that one day, I will be able to see you again. I want to make it right this time. I dream to protect you, and give you everything I could not give before - the time, assurance, loyalty... Last night, there was something nudging me to visit this place, and I am grateful that I listened to my intuition for I found you again." He looks around and his smile sweeps me off my feet.

"Did you ever date someone?" he asked.

I nodded. "But...I found it hard to love someone again."

The ride home is silent. His movements are careful as he unbuckles my seatbelt.  Taking a calming breath, I take a final glance at him.

“Goodnight, Kryssa.” A gracious smile spread across his face.

“Goodnight, Red.” A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth.

 “Thank you for forgiving me.”

 I smile back at him, wishing I could spend more time with him tonight. But I knew, it will take us some time to start over again.

He places his hand on my shoulder. “Can I see you again, tomorrow?” he asked. I draw back and lifted my chin, searching his much relaxed face.

 “Will you stay for real?”

He moves closer and takes me in a tight embrace.