I KNEW IT!

“Mom, I love you.”

“What do you want?”

“What do you meeeeeeeeean?  Why can’t I tell you that I loooooooove you?”

“You usually tell me that you love me out of the blue when you want something. You’ve been asking to go to the mall lately.  And you have… that LOOK.”

“What look?”

“THAT ONE!  The one where you try to butter me up with your innocent-looking eyes!”

“C’mon, Mom! I just wanted to let you know in case I don’t say it enough. I really do love you.  I love all that you do for us.”

“Seriously?”

“SERIOUSLY.”

“Wow. Thank you, Sweets!  I love you too.”

“Good.  Now,...”

“I KNEW IT!”

“WHAAAAAAAAT?”

“You want something!”

“MOOOOOOOOOOM!”

“Just spill it, kiddo.”

“There is nothing I really want…”

“Okay…”

“… except for a Nintendo Switch.”

“I KNEW IT!”

“Well, it’s nearly Christmas!  I should be able to ask for what I want!”

“We are nowhere close to Christmas time.  And why do you have to lie about loving me just to ask for something you want?  Not a fan of that approach.”

“Sorry, mom.”

“And we’ve talked about this.  I can’t really afford to get you a Switch right now.”

“Oh. Well, OK.”

“OK? So… that’s it?”

“Yup!”

“Ok.  I’m going to…”

“OK, then I will just ask SANTA.”

“What? Seriously??”

“Well, Santa gets me all the cool gifts anyway.  I will just add it to my list.”

“But you know Santa can’t always get everything on your list.”

“He usually does!”

“He does his best but you always change your list at the last minute. Santa’s on a tight schedule.”

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Is Santa real?”

“Why are you asking me this right now?”

“I’m just getting ready for Christmas.”

“It’s July.”

“I like to plan early.”

“Sweets, you’ve been asking me this question since you were five years old.”

“And now I’m nine.”

“I know how old you are.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Why do you have that look on your face, mom?”

“What look?”

“That look where you are trying to avoid answering my questions?”

“And…”

“And you still haven’t answered my question!”

“What question?”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!”

“Can we change the subject?”

“Sure. Should I ask Dad to take me to the mall?”

“Why?”

“So he can look at the Nintendo Switch and games with me.”

“Back to Santa…”

“Mom?”

“Sweets, you are a very smart kid and way too clever for your age.  You really keep me on your toes.  And I love you so much.”

“Mom, no hugs!”

“But I thought you loooooooooooved me!”

“I… do?”

“OK. I need to get dinner started.  Can we talk some more later?”

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I want to get real with you. I need to hold your hands right now.”

“Um,... OK?”

“Serious, ok?”

“Sure.”

“And I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.  No more looks, OK?”

“Honey, what is it?”

“Is Santa real?”

“SERIOUSLY?!?!?”

“MOOOOOOOOOM!  Why did you let go of my hands?”

“I thought you were dying or something!”

“I’m only nine!  How would I know if I’m dying?!?!????”

 “Give me a moment while I take a few breaths!”

“Are you upset with me?”

“No, I just need to reset.  I’m good now… I think.”

“Mom?”

“OK, look at me for a moment. Why are you asking about Santa right now?”

“There’s just way too many clues that prove he’s not real.”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that we don’t have a chimney?”

“Magic key.”

“And those elves can’t make all those toys, they are made in factories all over the world.”

“That was the old days.  Now the North Pole is like a massive Amazon warehouse.”

“And where do all those mall Santa’s come from?”

“Well, they’re…”

“They can’t be elves because they are too big.  And they can’t be “special helpers” either.  Some of them wear bad wigs.  And most of them are really creepy.  Santa wouldn’t hire a creepy person to pretend to be him.”

“But…”

“And how does he get around the whole world and deliver all those gifts on time?  And why would Santa be so mean to have a naughty list? Shouldn’t all kids be given a second chance at life with gifts?”

“Interesting points…”

“And Santa never gets you a gift, mom. You and dad never get gifts at Christmas, only me.  Are you both on the naughty list or something?”

“Oh, Sweets…”

“You and dad are good to me, so why would he not give you both gifts?”

“I…”

“And the biggest clue? The letters.”

“What?”

“The letters from Santa are different every year. They are usually typed but with a different font and page and envelope each time.  Isn’t that weird, mom?”

“Can I ask you an honest question right now?”

“Sure.”

“How would you feel if I told you that Santa isn’t real?”

“Well… the first thing I would ask you is why did you lie to me all these years?”

“Ouch.”

“Mom?”

“Santa isn’t real.”

“Oh…”

“Sweets?  Are you…”

“I KNEW IT!!!”

“Are you upset?”

“No, not really.  I already knew.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“Yes.”

“What is it?”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“Well, to be honest… I didn't want you to be ‘that kid’.”

“What kid?”

“The kid that ruined Christmas for all your classmates because you ran around telling everybody that Santa isn’t real.”

“I wouldn’t do that!”

“Yes you would.”

“No, I… actually, yes I would.”

“And I wanted to tell you the truth because, to be honest, Dad and I didn’t really celebrate Christmas as a couple before you were born.  That is why you never see us getting gifts.  We decided long ago that Christmas isn’t about gifts, but more about celebrating the greatest gifts of all… our family.”

“Uck!”

“It’s true!  We don’t exchange gifts and, until you went to school, you didn’t receive gifts either.  When you started going to school your classmates filled your head about Santa.  So we went with it.”

“Wait a minute… did you eat the carrots I left out for Rudolph?”

“Nope.  Dad did.  And he would take care of the milk and cookies for Santa, too.”

“I knew that too!”

“Are you upset?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“Wait a minute… that means, you and dad bought all those gifts that I thought were from Santa?”

“Yup.”

“So… YOU were Santa.”

“Technically.. yes.”

“And every time I asked for something and you said no and I would say I would ask Santa instead, it was you buying the gifts.”

“Mm-mm.”

“But moooooooom!  You spent too much!!!”

“What?!?!?”

“I would ask for big gifts because Santa was buying them! Now I feel bad that you spent so much money on me!”

“Don’t feel bad. That’s the price I have to pay for lying to you, I guess.”

“OK.”

“Hey, don’t cry.  Everything is OK.  Thanks for being considerate.  And I’m sorry that we lied to you.”

“That’s OK. I’m sorry if I was difficult all these years.”

“I’m sorry I gave you all those LOOOOOOKS!”

“MOM, you’re hugging me again!”

“What happened to the ‘I loooooooove you’ kid of mine?”

“Well,...”

“I KNEW IT!”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

“The whole ‘I LOVE YOU’ speech was all to butter me up!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Then?”

“OK, I was just thinking about the Switch…”

“Knew it again!”

“... but that was before I found out you have been lying to me for most of my life!”

“You can’t pull that guilt trip on me, kiddo!”

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Can I help you with dinner?”

“Absolutely. Oh, what is this?”

“Just a hug to say thank you.”

“For what?”

“For everything.”

“Thank you too. I enjoyed this honest chat”

“Me too.”

“Before I start dinner, do you have any other questions for me?”

“Just one.”

“What is it?”

“Do I get less gifts at Christmas now since Santa isn’t real?”

“Don't you have a date at the mall with your dad?”

“MOOOOOOOOOM!”

“Oh, that’s OK. You don’t have to go, since you’re getting less gifts this year.”

“WHAT?!?!?  What about the Nintendo Switch?!?!?”

“I knew it.”