Winter Won't Last Forever

She sat silently beside the lake, staring out at the golden water and wondering. It’s odd how much wondering can go on in your head, even when you’re not really paying attention to it. Her eyes unfocused in the glinting light of the spring evening. She was so lost in the world of her mind, a bomb could’ve gone off, and she might not have heard it. The world was warming.

This was the first time she’d ever really seen it. All her life, she’d lived in the south, where the weather was warm year round. She’d never actually seen winter turn into spring. But she was here now. It was an odd thing, she decided, how the world could go so easily through the same changes every year. Humans weren't like that. They hated change and fought against it with all they had. The world up here, in the northern forests, wasn’t like that. Not at all. It went from winter to spring to winter then back up again to spring, then to summer, then fall, then back to winter. 

What is nice about the seasons, she thought, is that they’re expected. No one ever expects the changes in their lives. She knew she hadn’t expected any of it. The death, the destruction, the pain. She’d never seen any of it coming. Nothing was more shocking than everything changing horribly in the blink of an eye.

The seasons changed. Life went on. 

But parts of her she had left far behind in the seasons of her life that would never repeat themselves. She was not who she’d used to be. 

She scratched her eyebrow, recalling how far she’d had to go. How much she’d had to see. How many broken hearts she’d had to feel. “Human hearts aren’t made of stone, thank God,” she whispered. She’d had her heart broken so many times she’d lost count. She knew she’d also caused a fair share of broken hearts. She bit her lip, thinking about the people she’d hurt. Her hair lifted up along the back of her neck as a cold breeze flickered around her, letting her know that it was still spring, not summer, and soon it would be cold as a midwinter day.

She didn’t care. She would sit outside, by the lake, on this glorious evening, for as long as she wanted. She’d stay out here all night if she wanted. Not that she did. But at this moment she liked entertaining the thought that she didn’t have to worry about anything. This tiny second let her think and breathe at her own pace. She wasn’t changing, not at this second. She was letting herself go. Breathing in the smell of the sunshine, she pulled her long hair to the side of her head and braided it, so tight that she began to give herself a headache. She took it out, not wanting to be that kind of person quite yet.

Right now, she was just herself. Long hair down, and fluttering lightly in the breath of wind. She smiled. 

It was odd, she thought, how quickly and heartbreaking change could be. But yet, it doesn’t inhibit your ability to be happy. She was still herself, even though life had torn her apart and burned her into ashes, so all that she had left to do was search for the remnants of who she used to be in the ruin of what she’d become. Yet, through all of this, she was still able to feel happy. “I’m blessed,” she murmured. “So many people cannot find the will to be happy, and yet here I am, happy as I've ever wanted to be. I’m so blessed.”

Maybe it wasn't just happiness, right then. She tilted her head to the side, the shining gold water cutting into her eyes again, maybe it was the peace of this place. In the silence, she found herself. 

Maybe that was it.

She sighed and leaned back again, against the rough bark of the tree. Her back twinged and she knew she'd been sitting there for a while. The soft lap of the cold water on the nearby beach made her wonder how cold it was. It was late March, she considered, so it would most likely be deathly cold. Still she walked slowly towards the sand and the water, drawn in by its intoxicating peacefulness. 

She set her hand in the water, and ignored the cold sting that fluttered through her nerves. Her eyes watched the ripples that her hand created in the ice cold water. The sting quickly became too fierce. She jerked her hand out after several seconds, and shivered. Her breath came out of her mouth like a hiss. 

A cold wind whipped by, blowing over her wet hand, making her even colder. Wiping her hand on her jeans, she stood, lost in her thoughts again. The world was slowly growing darker. 

She began to sing to herself, but hesitantly, like she was unsure of what she wanted to hear. She sang a couple lines from Ed Sheeran’s “Castle on the Hill,” then bounced over to Taylor Swift's “Wildest Dreams.” She fiddled with a piece of grass as she sang. Her eyes flicking over the brown dry piece of plant. She ended the song abruptly, as she heard a twig snap behind her. She jerked around, heart pounding, to see nothing.

Shrugging it off, she started singing again. The sun was sinking into the horizon, and as she watched it, she thought some more. Another song traipsed through her mind, and she hummed it, as she didn’t know all the lyrics. “My Immortal,” by Evanescence.

Winter is such a awful time, she thought, it's cold and desolate and dreary. The ice and snow cake the earth and inhibit anything from growing. Everything dies. But then slowly it all goes away. It all vanishes and life comes back to the cold world. Maybe that's how it is with changes we think are horrible in our lives. They seem to kill us, to destroy us, but maybe, like the winter, they can't last forever, and then our lives will change. And when life is breathed back into our cold, dead hearts, it will appear more beautiful than ever before. 

She smiled softly at the thought, her heart lightening. The peace of the spring evening washed over her, and she sang another song, a hopeful, uplifting one, knowing that the winter would not last forever. The sun would return. Warmth would be breathed back into the world every single time it seemed dead. 

It is the same for humans, she thought. Our lives are full of winters, cold, depressing, dark, but they never last. Our winters’ cold and death cannot last. For just like spring will always come, so too will our lives grow bright and full of life again.

A voice startled her out of her thoughts. “Jessica?”

She jumped. “Gosh, Logan, you scared me!”

Her brother looked at her, his eyes wide, his mouth open.

“Logan?” Her lips quirked as she stared at the gaping boy. “You look like you've seen a ghost.”

He continued to gape. 

Then she remembered. She knew why he was looking at her like that. She knew why he was staring at her like she shouldn’t be there. She knew why he was looking at her like she was a ghost. 

She, Jessica, had died last November, from unknown causes. She was a ghost. A memory. She was dead. But, looking at the boy who had been her best friend her whole life, she knew he was suffering more than she ever had, or ever would again.

She smiled at her brother, whom she knew had been mourning her terribly. “Logan,” she said, her eyes moistening, “Logan, I love you, okay? I didn’t get to say that. Now I am. I love you. Don’t cry for me anymore, alright?”

He shook his head, weakly, and she could see the tears glimmering in his eyes. 

“Logan,” she sucked in a breath. Her eyes were watering and it was hard to see the boy’s face. She shook her head. The breath she’d just drawn in escaped her in a strangled exhale, then she whispered, “Logan, I know this whole thing makes no sense and hurts like hell, but…”

He shook his head again, stronger and more determined. She fought back tears at his face. She could see his heart breaking through his eyes, and she felt horrible. But then he said, keeping his voice devoid of emotion, trying not to crumble before her eyes, “How could you leave us?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to, I swear. But it was my time. This winter won’t last forever. I promise.”

And she was gone, holding onto the thought that eventually, maybe, he’d be alright. Pain flitted through her as she remembered his face, staring at her and she felt like her heart was breaking along with his. 

She saw him, later on, sobbing his heart out. She knew she’d caused that pain. That hurt too much. She hissed out a breath and averted her eyes, not wanting to watch him feel the pain she’d caused. The winter she’d inflicted on them.

But the winter wouldn’t last forever. It couldn’t. She wouldn’t let it. She would find a way to bring the life of spring back to her sorrowing family, no matter what it took. She would save them from the darkness, the cold of spiked ice and snow she’d brought to them, and right what had been wronged by her untimely end. All so that her family could enjoy the spring evenings, like the one she’d just experienced. She would save them from the winter she’d brought to them.