Baked into Memory

“You ready to go to Grandma and Grandpa's today, sweetie?”

“Yeah mommy!”

___________________________________________

Hannah has been going to Grandma and Grandpa’s at least twice a month every month she has been alive these last 5 years. The only exceptions were when Hannah got a pretty nasty stomach flu last year, and when Grandpa had major surgery a couple years ago and needed to recover in peace for a few weeks.

These are her mom’s parents. Her dad’s parents are great too, but they live so many states away so she only sees them maybe 3 times a year on a good year. She calls them Papa and Mimi.

But at “G & G’s,” it’s special. One of Hannah’s first visits (at least that she could remember), she discovered that Grandma has some old, dusty ingredients. The thing is she keeps lots of ingredients in the house for baking and cooking, and those are fresh thankfully, but some of her pantry has ingredients that should’ve been tossed out when Hannah was born since they’ve long expired. Only recently, Hannah noticed an expiration date on an almost-empty bag of flour. (Hannah is learning to read and is used to reading ingredient labels since she helps Grandma in the kitchen.) When she saw the flour that must be gross now, Grandma gently but firmly said “now now, Hannah honey, keep that in there.”

Hannah figured Grandma knew better about expiration dates and let it be. That flour is in there, along with some other old, dusty ingredients. It’s part of the charm of being at their place, but it hovers in the back of Hannah’s mind often.

___________________________________________

“Now when you get there…”

“I know, mommy. Take off my shoes and be respectful.”

“Yes - ha! - but I was going to say have fun!”

“Oops, okay, Mommy!”

“See ya later, Hannah!” her dad chimed in from the restroom.

“Bye, Daddy! Love you!”

“Love you too, sugarplum!”

___________________________________________

When Hannah gets to her G & G’s, she always does a few things as a sort-of ritual for herself. It’s her own private way of entering this sacred home. Baked into her memory since she could walk, Hannah always smells the flowers Grandma has growing outside, then she skips on the stone steps leading up to the door. Simultaneously as she skips, she waves at the garden gnome as she passes the garden of flowers as if to say “hello, my friend!” In a way, the gnome is her friend. He’s been there to greet her every time! Then of course, as if to finalize her ritual, she gives G & G the biggest bear hugs ever.

“Hannah Hannah bo-banna! My darling! Come give Grandma a hug!”

Right on cue, Hannah waves and skips into her Grandma’s arms, and she rests her head on Grandma’s apron, stained with old grease and love, and smells of cookies and bread baked in.

Her Grandpa is in his normal spot - the comfy chair in the living room that reclines, with a small folding table nearby, ready to taste what Grandma and Hannah make in the kitchen. He also has his TV remote and a glass of something pretty much always, usually his favorite soda or a cold glass of water. Only sometimes does he have what Grandma calls “an old person drink.” 

Hannah takes off her shoes and drops her backpack of things on the floor near them as Grandma asks “so… what would you like to bake today? I was thinking either lemon bars or brownies!”

“Ummm… yes!”

Grandma chuckles and retorts “both it is!”

Hannah swiftly and naturally grabs her go-to items: the big metal mixing bowl, the wooden spoon (for mixing and licking), and her step stool to reach the counter. She’s convinced she won’t need the stepstool soon. She’ll be six in a couple months!

As Hannah positions herself on the stool waiting for direction, Grandma is grabbing so many things all at once and balancing them in her arms like a circus act. From lemons, to flour, to cocoa, to vanilla, to eggs and all sorts of things. Somehow she rarely drops anything!

It was a proud day when Grandma let her use the mixing bowl. At first, she only licked the spoon and Grandma did everything. Even back then, Grandma would thank Hannah for helping, even when Hannah did pretty much nothing but be there. “Soon I’ll let you use the knife” Grandma often reminds her, usually when their creations have cooled enough to cut into.

Today was different though. For the first time, Grandma asked her to grab something from the pantry - the place with some expired things. That wasn’t the different part. Hannah did that a few times before. The different part was reaching to a shelf she couldn’t reach before. The step stool now allowed her to reach it unlike the last time she grabbed from the pantry weeks ago. After all, her mom told Hannah she’s been “sprouting up like a weed!” When Hannah grabbed the baking soda she was told to grab, she noticed something. It looked like another box of baking soda, only it had some tape on the top of it. In her curiosity, she moved the newer box Grandma was waiting for so she could look at this older one and see if the tape led to something. 

To her surprise, she sees a picture taped to that old container of baking soda. 

Her reading is rusty, and big words are hard, but she can tell words are written on the back of this picture. She recognizes the women in this photo. It’s Grandma with her arm around her mom, but they both look much younger. Grandma’s hair isn’t gray in this, and her mom had less wrinkles under her eyes. 

She tries to read the words. All she could sound out was:

For cookies when Hannah is born.

But she couldn’t make out the other words that followed. 

“Grandma, what does this say after born?”

Instantly Grandma clanged around her baking tasks as she dropped her items onto the counter, frozen with a mix of shock and nostalgia. She sat down on a nearby stool and waved her hand at Hannah and said “come here… I’ll read it for you.”

Hannah sat on her own step stool facing Grandma as she said “adoption ceremony - 2017 - Jeanine and Hailey.” Jeanine is my name and Hailey is your mother.”

“What’s a-dop-SHUN?”

“It’s a sweet process of getting someone, usually a child, to make them part of your family.” 

“Who was adoption.. ed?” Hannah stumbled over this new word to ask.

“Adopted, and you were.” Grandma said, bringing Hannah in for a side hug.

Grandma paused for what felt like 5 whole minutes as Hannah processed non-verbally.

“So… mommy got me? Where from?”

“Well, your mommy and daddy struggled to get their own baby. Sometimes it’s hard for people to get their own baby when their bodies don’t work the way they should. And this picture was the day we had waited almost a year for. It was the day we - your mom and dad - adopted you. You were born in the middle of the night and we all got to the hospital first thing the next morning. I had made cookies earlier that week to bring as a celebration. I used this very box of baking soda.”

Hannah was teary-eyed with a puzzled look on her face.

“So mommy isn’t my mommy?”

“No no no, that’s what you must understand. She absolutely is your mommy. In every important way, she is. The woman who gave birth to you was very young and couldn’t take care of you the way we could. Mommy and daddy cherish you, and every memory they’ve made with you is real. Your birth mommy, she… well, she didn’t want to make life harder for you by being in your life. She wanted to give you to us and that be that. And so it was.”

“I can never see her?”

“One day, when you’re older, if you’d like to you can. You can’t yet when you’re this young. But one day, perhaps.”

“What kind of cookies did you make that day? When I was adoption… adopted?”

Almost confused but pleased Hannah would ask such a normal question in the grand scheme of things, she answered, “Oh, it was peanut butter.”

“With the criss cross marks like we make?”

“The very same. One of your favorites.”

“Does mommy know I was adopted? And daddy?”

Grandma chuckled at the innocence of the question and said “they sure do… and they would do it all over again if they had to.”

___________________________________________

The next morning, when Hannah woke up and sat down to breakfast, she told Grandma about her dream. “We ate peanut butter cookies on a giant lemon bar. It was a happy dream.”

Grandma smiled and kissed her forehead at the table as she cleaned up around the kitchen.

The door opened not long after breakfast and her mommy asked Hannah “how was your time with G & G?” 

Without answering, Hannah ran into mommy’s arms to hug her the way she hugs Grandma and Grandpa. 

“You good, sweetie?”

“I’m good, mommy. And you’re good.”

Hailey kept hugging Hannah and looked up at her mom, Jeanine, with a face of what’s this about?

In quick response, Jeanine reached into her morning robe’s pocket to show her the discovered picture from yesterday.

Hailey smiled and gripped her hand behind Hannah’s head, tears now rolling down her face.

“Yes… we’re both very good.”