Were you meant for me?

My dad used to tell me that everything that happens to us is because of destiny and fate, that somehow, we will always find our way to what's meant for us. But after his death, I learned a much more realistic lesson from my mother. She told me that dreamers live their life dictated by fate but fighters create their own destiny. And by that I lived, at least most of my life. Or better said before I met you. After our first encounter I was sure that our chemistry had a reason behind it, and I tired looking for that explication everywhere. But after many many weeks of looking I was defeated by reality. There was absolutely nothing other than our feelings that tied us. No shared interests no common ground, nothing. But we go so well together, it's so natural and flowy. Almost as if it was meant to be...

I had to make a decision then just like I have to do now. But this time it's different. This time it is final and it's a direct result of the decision I’ve made before. But how could I not have done it? I know that mom tried to kill every little part of dad that was left in me but she couldn’t. There are some things that you carry with you all your life and nobody can take them away from you. So, when I felt my destiny calling, I had no choice but to answer.

I know it was wrong and it made no sense for us to be together. But I was tired of calculating and overanalyzing my every move. You and me, us we could just be, away from everything and everybody. It was us against the world; in those little moments together. And now I'm left all alone, having to face you and make up my mind. I do not have much time either. Ive been waiting for you all night, but now it's over. I have only ten seconds left, in ten seconds you will be here and I will have to decide.

One, the one time you ever gave my hobbies a chance coincidentally was on our last date. I just wanted us to be like those cute internet couples and bake cookies together; but you were complaining all the time and going on and about how pointless it is to bake when you could just go out and buy some. After that I got angry and started shouting, but you weren't fazed by my little tantrum. You stepped in closer, held my face and squashed it in your hands and asked me what kind of frosting should you make.

It was the first time I baked in front of you and I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to do everything right, to impress you. I think a part of me thought that this way I could make you stay. And as silly as it sounds when I burned those cookies, I felt that the ship had already sailed. But only when I woke up at 4 am to get some water and saw you eating them did all of my worries vanish. You may have put a ton of frosting on top but you knew how bad I felt about it and you wanted to show me that it wasn’t pointless after all.

Two, I remember those two friends you used to hang out with. It always baffled me how much you changed when you were together, it was like you didn’t have a care in the world. You would be so silly and overenergetic, just like a little child. And while I may not have liked when they when they would “randomly pop-up” on our dates, you were still there for them whenever they needed you. I always admired your kind heart, and how selfless you were by nature.

Three, you stood me up three times. All three I had made plans for us; I was dressed and ready at the door when you called. Every time the same far-fetched excuse, you would ramble about how sorry you are and that you were oh so busy. But that you will make up for it, and each time I believed it. Because in my heart I knew that you didn’t have bad intentions, but I also knew that you care less and less every day.

Four, I’ve heard a lot of lies from guys in my short 20 years. I may not have always known when you lied to me but I always knew when you were telling the truth. And to this day I believe that, in that 4 am call, you were telling the truth. You see, you and my father are very similar. You both lived simple lives that kept your heart and intentions pure. I always loved that about you.

But you never resembled him as much as you did on that 4 am phone call. We were talking about our future and what we wanted from life. And while I had to go over my elaborate 5-year plan, your answer was rather simple. You said to me that you weren't worried about your future. As you believed that what's yours will find you and no one can stop it. “The way we found each other” you said. But looking back now I wonder do you still see it this way? Do you still think that it was fate what brought us together?

Five, we had our first real fight on the day of our 5 months mark. It was about that girl, she was skinnier than me, she had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was the kind of girl that could get anything she wants, unlike me where I had to fight for everything I had. I wasn’t jealous of her looks or money; I know what I have to offer and others’ beauty and success doesn’t take away from mine. But the thing that made me despise her was how similar you were. How easy it would have been if you were together, how logic would have paired you two not us. So, if logic and hard work led my whole life, how could I count on destiny to pair us up.

We didn’t fight that day because I thought you were cheating on me. We fought because I was scared, I was watching you with the person I would have paired you up with rationally. But here you were with me and it was complicated and hard, for both of us. Neither of us could or wanted to change but we couldn’t let go either.

Six, four second left. I'm waiting here for you anxiously. Ive always been like this in stressful situations, but somehow you were able to ease it. Just like that night when we got stuck in the snow for six hours. But it was a different type of anxiety, this one feels draining and cold. Maybe because the fire in me was still going then, and I had something to fight for. We were driving off in the snow trying to find a quiet place for more privacy. But we drove into a snowy puddle and we got stuck there. It was too cold to wander around looking for help, we were also miles away from any village or home. So, we just waited there snuggled up against each other trying to stay warm. Waiting for somebody to drive on the same road. I was mad and freaked out and first, but you managed to calm me down.

Whilst I don’t recall much from that night, one thing stuck with me to this day. I was resting against your chest and you were talking about god knows what, but I was looking into your eyes and I had a feeling of comfort. Like I had met you before, and I know we were dating so of course I have met you, but it was different. In that moment I could see you in memories I couldn’t even process. Memories that were so deeply imbedded into my brain. My dad told me when I was little that before coming on earth, we were all on a realm of souls. And that some souls may have intersected on that realm before meeting once again here. This is why he thought that destiny brings lost souls back to each other.

Seven, although we were very different most of the time, we balanced each other out. I have this thing in which I count only on myself in fear of others’ betrayal. But you weren't like this, you were so sure that everyone has the right intentions. Some might have saw you as dumb or gullible, but I didn’t. It was like that one time when I sarcastically told you to bring me seven boxes of ice-cream when you kept asking how many. And when you came in with a bag full of them, I couldn’t help but feel bad. You actually thought that I needed seven because I was on my period. All I could think about was how pure you must be to not think twice about my sarcastic answer

But I wish your kind heart didn’t take you where it did. Forcing me now to make this decision because you already made yours.

Eight, you were always a seeker of truth. You would wake up every day at 8 am; way earlier than me. So, you could sneak out and find out more. You were so implicated and eager to help your community that you forgot to help yourself. Just like mother taught me, you were a dreamer. You thought that you could save the day and be the good guy, when in reality you were only hurting yourself.

Nine, only one second left and I must say that those have been the longest seconds in my life. Maybe my brain slowed everything down so I could really make-up my mind. Love is not easy because it is very rare. I am aware than not everybody will get to experience true love. The kind that drives you crazy and makes you put the other first. But what about the times where you can't? What about the ones you love but have to leave behind? I think that falling head over heels is cute while you are young. But as you grow older you realize that love is only meant to accompany you in your life. If love takes over you’ve lost the game. You cannot win after leaving behind your brain.

Ten, and there you are as the ten second mark ticks. My decision is now made. Our future is in my hands and the price I had to pay was our love. But I am in charge of my own fate, so I pulled the trigger. I turned around after firing. I couldn’t look. I opened my eyes only after hearing the sound of your clueless body hitting the floor. A head-shot was all it took. If destiny brought you to me then I’m sending you back to it. Tell it when you go back that I am in charge of my own fate.

Sadly, this is what happens when you dig too much and find out what you shouldn’t. Maybe you should have went with logic on this one and not count on fate. Because while fate got you killed, logic could have saved you today. When you learnt who I was you should have turned away. Some people are just too dangerous to play with. I know your heart was in the right place and you did not mean any harm. But the big ones don’t care about intentions. It was either kill you now or watch others do it later.