IF ONLY

I’ve met a guy once. His name was Ed. We met at a chatting site back in high school. We used to talk about almost everything. Though, we lack the basics. He and I had undeniable connection. I would fantasize about killing myself while he would daydream bout different extraordinary characters. Our duo was dynamic, that’s for sure. But that was before…

This is the “now”.

Many years passed. He and I have gone separate ways. He became a lawyer. Proud his family became. And I became a pastry chef at a small-time bake shop. I became a mother of two. Priscilla and Sport – my two adorable pups. They kept me company at most times. But during night time, when both of my heart and mind are beating as one, I remember Ed. I remember how He and I would sneak out at night just to buy ice cream at our favorite ice cream parlor. He would order vanilla while I’d order chocolate.

“Would”. Past tense.

Again, customers are lining up for their morning bread. I haven’t had a wink of sleep since last night. I was busy preparing pandesal dough. Good thing, Jonathan was there to back me up. While busy doing my work as a pastry chef, my mind kept fleeting back to the days when He and I first met. Odd why these past few days, I kept thinking about Ed.  

He had hazelnut eyes, a strong nose, and well-groomed hair that seemed so soft to touch. He was the definition of love at first sight. Although, he didn’t believe in that phrase nor was he my first ever lover. After months of chatting, we decided to meet up at a theme park in celebration of Single’s Awareness Day. We weren’t a thing, nor were we just friends. The electricity was there but he and I decided that it is best for us to keep that apart. We had fun…

Not until, we rode that big hula-hoop circle and I decided to make a stunt.

Few hours have passed. It is now our lunch time break. I received an email from an unknown sender. The sender greeted me “Good morning” and asked how I was. To it, I answered: “Good morning! I am fine. Who’s this?” After a few seconds, it pinged me a “Hello, Ayan. Remember me?” And then, it came back all to me.

Police guards were at the bottom of the Ferris wheel. I could hear my mum crying on the phone. Ed was saying the words ‘Stop…Please…You don’t have to do this’. But somehow I managed to ignore all those warnings and decided to just let go. Bystanders screamed in horror. A fifteen year-old high school student just attempted suicide at the country’s most esteemed Ferris wheel. My heart skipped a beat and for once and for all, I felt free. Since then, theme park personnel were briefed about people’s safety before they let them on the rides that they want.

I coughed up the sandwich my mother prepared for me. It can’t be. Outside the bakeshop, was a man in his mid-20s. He stood taller than I remembered. He wore a black suit, a brown vest and a tie that went well with it. In his right hand was his phone while his left hand was waving a hello. I looked sideways and behind just to see if I was seeing this right. He came to see me? Why?

“Nice to see you again Miss Ayan” he greeted.

I remained silent. Rather shocked with all that is happening, I mouthed the words “Fuck”.

A few weeks before, a guy at the market area tried to keep me hostage. He had a gun, told people around to stay back, or else he’ll blow my mind into blobs. In my eco-bag was my newly-sharpened knives. Without thinking, I reached for one of my knives and then stabbed the guy’s right knee which made him loose-hold of me. I stabbed him several times right after until he dropped dead. The guy’s family charged me with murder. I didn’t bother to find myself a lawyer since I should’ve just let him kill me. I’ve been fantasizing about my death a lot. So why did I fight back? Instincts? Was I scared for my own life? Did I really want to live?

I was brought to earth when Ed was snapping his fingers in front of me. I was lost in my own head, again. He told me he didn’t have much time. He told me to ring him by his new phone number. Does he want me back in his life again? Will he finally let me in? Has he finally forgiven me? All my questions crushed when a pregnant woman stood behind him.

“Ed, let’s go. I’ve bought the bread that I was looking for”

Ed nodded, had a look at me one last time then gave me quick goodbye before leaving. I took a quick glance at his ringer finger and found no ring. Does this mean, he’s still single? Who’s that pregnant lady anyway? He didn’t mention to me before that he had a sister.

An hour had passed, our lunch break was finally over. I didn’t bother to finish my sandwich. I lost my appetite. In my left hand was the piece of paper Ed gave me. In it was a bunch of digits. I decided to rip it apart and throw it in the nearest trash bin. He’s got his own life now. Might as well, just leave it that way. Second chances aren’t about getting back with the same person all over again. Sometimes, second chances are about letting that person go in order for you and that person to grow individually. How Ed discovered about my case was beyond my imagination. But meeting him again for the last time felt like heaven.

If only situations were different. If only we’ve met each other sooner. If only love was that simple.

If only…