I know she is married. I know she is everything I could ever want. I know all of this, and yet…
I couldn’t stay away from her. I can’t stay away from her. She is perfect. Perfect in her imperfections. Does that make sense? Oddly, it does to me.
Who is this Goddess made flesh? This unattainable woman who haunts my dreams and fuels my fantasies? She is as common and real as the girl next door, yet as unreachable as the top supermodels.
It wasn’t my intention to fall in love. It wasn’t my intention to pursue her. It wasn’t my intention to woo her or try to pull her away from her life.
Yes, it was. Entirely my intention to do all that, and more. I want her for my own. But how do I manage to do this?
My Goddess is less goddess and more flawed as a human being as any person on the planet. There are so many reasons this is not a good idea, and yet I can’t help myself. For that matter, I don’t want to.
Personally, I have a three strikes rule. If there are three things about a person that I absolutely can’t overcome mentally, I walk away. So, why haven’t I walked away from her?
Strike one: She’s married. I guess I am overcoming that one because she is so perfect for me, on so many levels.
Strike two: She has children. Not necessarily a deal breaker, but definitely something I have given consideration to, especially since I have no desire for children myself.
Strike three: She smokes cigarettes. Oddly, that doesn’t bother me as much as it would with anyone else.
So that is three strikes. I should have walked away when I met her, but I couldn’t.
Because she is perfect in so many ways. Imperfectly perfect.
Physically, she is what I consider to the epitome of a Goddess. She is a bit thick, but perfectly proportioned. As I like to quote, “there is a shortage of amazing breasts in the world”, and she has the most perfect breasts I have ever encountered. Firm, yet succumbing to gravity. Large, but not overly sized. And the most beautiful areola…
She has the most amazing hips, again, perfectly in proportion. Child-bearing hips, as nature would have it, given the fact she has given birth to three boys (none of which are mine!) She has a large, shapely and not overly-muscled posterior, yet retaining wonderful proportion. Her waist accents her shape, that of a fertility goddess.
She is beautiful, yet she does not necessarily see it. Bluest eyes I have ever seen, and the most expressive face. She blushes easily, yet prettily, and I never miss an opportunity to see the color rise in her high cheeks. And while she does not have a perfect smile, I look forward to every grin, every moment when she truly smiles at me.
All the physical attributes, however, are nothing compared to her mind. Her mind! First, she HAS one! That is perhaps the most incredible achievement. She can think, and reason for herself, while accepting information, and is able to debate and contradict with some basis of fact! She has life experiences that have made her more well-rounded than ninety percent of the world population.
And, she is a geek. Maybe not an uber-geek, but a geek who appreciates both Star Wars and Star Trek without being solely dedicated to one or the other. She is well read, at least in her chosen genres, and open to reading more. She has an appreciation for both the future and the past, understanding history and its significance.
We even have similar tastes in music and movies, and yet she surprises me with some of her selections, as I am sure I surprise her.
I could go on and on, and I have, but there is a reality to all of this.
Strike number one: She is married.
I am the rare person who actually believes in chivalry, and yet, I want so desperately to be the knight in tarnished and dinged armor who rescues her from her existence. Chivalry dictates that I leave her alone for the simple reason that she is taken. Not promised, or betrothed, but fully committed to a marriage. I should walk away. I should leave her alone.
I should have maintained the boundary she initially set, as friends only. And technically, I did. When she was removed from my immediate vicinity, and I was unable to see her on an almost daily basis, I should have forgotten about her.
But I couldn’t.
Anytime I happened to be where I knew she had transferred to, I would pop in, just to say “hi!”. She seemed to appreciate it. I know I enjoyed just seeing her light up when she saw me. I enjoyed hearing her sultry voice, and smelling her most intoxicating scent when she gave me a hug. And because of that, I kept coming around. Not all the time, but enough. Just enough to let her know that I had not forgotten about her, but not enough to be creepy.
I truly kept my distance, until…
Until she changed the dynamics. She had long had my number, and had never used it, so imagine my surprise when she sent me a message saying, “I miss you.” Being the gentleman that I am, I made the effort to go see her. I was being a friend, nothing more. At least, that was the intention. I went to see her, expecting nothing more than a hug, and conversation, as had always been our interaction.
She changed the dynamic. She asked me to park in the rear of her place of employment. She came outside. She gave me a hug, a very intense hug.
And then she bit my neck.
She. Bit. My. Neck.
The next thing I knew, we were kissing like we had never kissed another living soul in our entire lives. It was explosive. It was intense. It was revelatory. It was perhaps one of the most astounding kisses in the history of kissing, to paraphrase another fantastic quote. Earth-shattering. Mind-blowing. Time-shifting. Universe-creating. And that seems really ridiculous, but true nonetheless.
Since that moment, I can’t stop thinking about her. I will do anything and everything I can to help her, see her, be with her, in the most mundane (and amazing) ways.
Don’t get me wrong… she is still married, and has no intention of leaving her husband. Honestly, she is waiting for him to pass on from this life. And I understand her reasoning, to some degree. We have had extensive conversations on the matter. While I would prefer that she make a complete change in her life, meaning that she leave her current life and begin the rest of ours together, I also understand the complications she would have with making such a drastic decision, as it would not only impact her, and me, but also her son, and her current husband.
But I cannot, and will not, stop loving her. And I will make every effort possible to spend as much time as I can with her. Thankfully, my Goddess seems to see our relationship the same way, and blessed is She that makes the time, creates the time, creates the fictions that create the time She spends with me.