Why did you come back?

She opened the door. A stranger was standing on the doorstep, yet not quite a stranger nor yet a friend. She blinked, not wanting to know if it was really him.

"Hi mom. Will you let me in?" he smiled. She remembered the way his dimples appeared and the crinkle in his eyes, like he knew a good joke but wasn't going to share it. This was not a joke.

"I haven't seen you in ten years. How are you...I mean. What are you...? mom asked." I mean. Why did you do this? "

"Mom, I told you. I had too. I'm a woman. I always was. "

"Just because you wear a wig, and a dress doesn't make you a woman."

"I had the surgery, mom. And the hair? All real!" she proudly showed it off. A thick mane of brown curly hair. "I left because I had no other choice. You gave me no other choice! I cried for days! I had nowhere to run, none of my so-called friends understood. I was lost and abandoned. By my own mother! It was a long time before my situation got better. When I finally moved to the city, I had the surgery. At first, I didn't feel anything but pain. Then I started to go to group sessions; people accepted when I told them my name was Amanda."

"Amanda?" mom said, "You named yourself after your grandma?"

"Yes. I always loved her. She was always so strong, remember when she had the stroke and couldn't speak for 2 weeks? We all sang to her, read funny stories to her. Remember when she finally smiled? She had a million dimples and her eyes crinkled up at the edges, like she knew a good joke. But wasn't going to share it!" They said it together.

Mom said, "I miss her, she was my rock. When you left shortly afterwards, I didn't know what to do. I guess I blamed you. It wasn't your fault. But I was angry that you didn't want to be my son, my little boy anymore. I thought; what did I do, what could I have said that would make him hate being my son?"

"Mom, it wasn't anything you said or did. It was how I felt inside. I grew up surrounded by beautiful, strong women and I guess I felt more like that than I did a boy. I wanted to pass your strength on to others. I couldn't do that as a boy. The best thing in my life were you and noni. You gave me the strength to be true to myself. I love being a strong, proud woman."

Mom asked, "What does it feel like? I mean. I guess I don't quite understand. You were always good at sports, you enjoyed cub scouts, being a Big Brother. You were never into drugs, and I never saw you wearing dresses. Why did you come back?"

"You're right. I did enjoy those things but as I got older, it got harder to do those things. Men are programmed to compete their whole lives, to be strong in ways that I wasn't. I had a lot of rage inside me. A lot of confusion. I ran, mom, because I didn't know what else to do. I was afraid I might hurt someone or myself. I roamed around aimlessly for a long time, hating men and doubting myself. I finally decided to make some changes, so I enrolled in college and one of my teachers changed my life. She was brilliant! She was everything I wanted to be. We became friends. She was a good listener, and we would talk for hours. I told her how much I missed my noni and my life here and she told me about her life. She had been a man too; she told me how difficult it was to make that decision but was encouraged by her family and her friends. They accepted her. So, after many months, I went through with it. I suffered through the pain but that got better. When I joined the group sessions, people accepted me. I never looked back, only forward. That's why I came back. I Wanted you to know how much I love you and how I never blamed you for anything. It was a time of confusion for me. I just needed time to work it all out."

Mom said "Am I supposed to be okay with that? I sat up for hours every night wondering where you were. If you were alive, even! Can you imagine how frightening that is, not knowing if your child is alive? Of course, I blamed myself. I know your father and I argued a lot. We couldn't seem to help ourselves. When our fighting started affecting you, I tried to stop but he wouldn't. When he left me, I was finally free, but I felt guilty about that. Women are supposed to stay married, but I couldn't do it. I talked to your grandma a lot. She never judged me, never pointed fingers. All she said was she wanted me to be happy. If I was happy, I would be a better mother to you. You know, she was right. I let my burden go and started to be happy again but then you left. My heart sank again. Noni told me that sometimes you have to let go. The burdens of others are best carried by them. They have to learn to let go on their own. She trusted you. I guess she was right. I see you now and you actually seem happy." Mom smiled and laughed, a little "You are even gorgeous! I never looked that good."

"Well, I have to get up at the crack of dawn to look like this. I even had to cut out coffee!", she smiled shyly." Look, I have something to show you." she took out a picture from her wallet, "See this girl? She's m y daughter. I adopted her when she was a baby. She's two years old now and wants to meet her grandma."

Mom looked at the picture and smiled; "What is her name?"

"Her name is Elaine. I call her Lana"

"You named her after me?"

"I named her after the proudest, strongest, most loving person I know. Do you want to meet her?"

Mom smiled, "I would love to. " They hugged for what seemed like hours, making up for ten years of emptiness.

As mom let go of her daughter she asked "Amanda, Will you let me in?"