Too Many Trains

You're a 22 year-old server at a restaurant (with no structure). You emptied out your bank account to pay this month's rent, you're trying not to think about the person that you knew was only thinking about one thing, in several positions. You're envying every creative being who's thriving because damn, you could've done that sooner had you committed. You have a hard time committing, to a person, to a job, to friends, to not thinking too much. You know better, you know it's supposed to get better when you get better at the things you really suck at right now.

You have notes with more unfinished and un...started ideas. You deleted that one thing that you thought looked stupid, you archived more pictures on your Instagram so people couldn’t perceive too much about you. You’re fantasizing that you’re the one singing those amazing songs, directing those amazing films, that your name is in the same headline  alongside that one celebrity because you two were seen “side by side.” You can agree that Ctrl by SZA is definitely a good album even though you don’t like all the songs.

 You just got home from your job and opened  your email. You received one from Michael who is from Vector Marketing stating that if you don’t wish to work with them then they’re requesting a courtesy call. You’re pondering if you will actually do so, or what will possibly and legally happen if you don’t, because guess what you’re not committing. Seriously though, that thing was exhausting. Anyway you see this email for a short story about signs and whatnot... lately you’ve been on a kick about things happening for a reason, or hoping they do. 

You were not prepared for the word count because it’s 3am and your brain is slowly deactivating. Holy crap, you think, is this it? Is this the sign? For you to commit to something all the way through even though you’re completely unprepared and lack the essential tools to get the results you desired? That even if it’s kinda really not that good you still did it, and you’ll have witnesses (if they’re willing). Oh, here comes the next train of thought. The train you got on when you left from the station, the one that your cousin dropped you off at. Nope. Can’t get on that train because you’ll start thinking about you-know-who and you’ll never get off (even though you both very much wanted to get off). 

 You’re also playing previously mentioned album Ctrl by SZA in the background, and of course this lyric catches your attention as you’re getting off that train: “This time next year I'll be living so good

Won't remember your name, I swear,” how very comically funny is that? Almost as comical as you imagining that you’ll spontaneously run into this no-name sucker, even though you’re miles away and they are clearly not imagining you in that way whatsoever or at all. Damn, that’s a pretty full train isn’t it? You need to chill. You know you do, and you are, you will, you can.

 You got on the train again. But you’re gonna keep going, mostly because you don’t know how to save your progress and are not about to risk losing all this work even though you might be oversharing. You’re oversharing, but maybe no one will remember, just remember to disconnect your Facebook account afterwards. Your brain is definitely logging out now because you’re legitimately about to say type gibberish just to meet a word count. How ironic that you’re losing your train of thought now. Are we there yet?

394 miles to go. Does that mean something or are you trying to read into every little thing to find something to make sense of? It’s probably both. You’re wondering if this whole thing was vital to the changes that are going to happen in your life or if it was just time you spent instead of sleeping because you have work tonight. Probably both. That doesn’t completely suck, right? The best time to wear a striped sweater.... is all the time. One with a collar, turtleneck, that’s the kind. Oh hey, the same way you go through so many thoughts in your brain at times can be the same way so many things go through your life, so many trains, so many stops. Yes you know that’s kinda predictable, but some things need repetition because you never know what result you’ll get afterwards.

 Like you rethinking what you’ll say instead of that other thing. But what? What are you gonna say instead? Are you going to talk to that person who took the same class as you with their mom because you remember how cutely they smiled at everyone, and that hug you gave each other when there turned out to be no class that night? Yes. you really want to, and you will. It will feel awkward, but that’s just you getting on another train (you didn’t even buy your ticket, be reasonable.)  After that though, you’re hoping everything else will just come to you, after you’ve put in your 15% and maybe a little more if you’re feeling “generous. The conductor at the front is smiling and saying, “you know you won’t.”  You won’t what though? Give in? Give up? Give more than 15%? What can you say? 

  Your brain is done. You’re done. You just got home from a party that only you attended, and the  theme was pity. That was not clever at all. Anywho, the music was good, the snacks were exceptional, and the decor could’ve used that 15%  but at least you were the hottest there. So there’s no more trains, the streets are black and wet from the mist of morning dew, the traffic lights are still signaling and there’s one car every now and then, of course it’s red. You can hear echoes of nothing, and the station is closing. Just five miles to go.