There's Life in The Old Dog Yet, Effy Love!

Hungry, they had returned to the desolate banks of Loch Deil. Inside a wooden slatted admissions hut Doris dipped her ill-fitting shoes in the pool of blood that seeped across the floorboards, ‘Welcome!’ she said. ‘Welcome to the trial running of...’. No. No that didn’t sound right, fighting to control her lopsided grin in a face she was still getting used to “Joanna” trembled as she licked the crimson specks that covered her I.D badge, ‘Welcome, to the inaugural running of Ephraim and Doris Mahoun’s Tour of Terror!’, yes. Yes, that sounded better. 

    ‘Shit, we’re late!’, she glanced at her unfamiliar face in the small mirror over the equally small not to mention rusty sink, ‘Notorious in their day, locals believed the murderous Ephraim and Doris Mahoun to be demons. Your tour will begin inside their cottage, save essential conservation work to maintain the building it has been left untouched since the evil couple were dragged from it. “Tae be hang’ed by their necks till they be deid and banish’ed tae heil fir ever maire”, feel free to take photographs. No flashing though folks! Ok? Follow me.’.

    Yes, she thought nodding to herself. Yes. That would do fine.

    She gave a start, Ephraim’s stomachs were growling if ignored this sensation initially a pleasant surprise to him would quickly turn into an all-consuming pain, a pain he’d borne for three centuries, three centuries worth of hunger. Poking his tongue between his fangs Ephraim frowned, ‘What’s this all about Dorr!?’, he said. ‘I’m bloody hungry!’. She shood him out the hut towards the Designated a Place of Historical Interest sign balanced amongst weeds in what had once been their vegetable garden,

    ‘It means food will come to us Effy love, all by itself!’ and narrowed her eyes the proof of the pudding, if Ephraim needed any, unwittingly presenting itself on a platter just in time for lunch.

    Rounding the corner of the Mahoun Cottage Visitor Centre and Courtyard Brasserie, Kyle didn’t have a bad job he thought as he clicked its fag ends tin shut. As jobs went Kyle had, had worse. Admittedly this dump would be cold in the winter months, but warm hidey holes could be sussed out. And there was plenty of fresh air if you liked that sort of thing, so yeah, out in the sunshine during the summer this wasn’t a bad gig. Kyle thought it was beyond him why no one else wanted it! This was Security Guard Kyle’s last thought, it was a happy one at least.

    ‘There’s a wheelbarrow over there Effy. Look!’. She pointed. ‘We can put him in that - he’ll be lighter in two halves, won’t he?’. Ephraim scratched his head,

    ‘Bit messy, love.’.

    As Ephraim leant his bony elbow on the handle of his bloodied scythe she stared at him. ‘Well, you’ve always complained about the mess’ Ephraim said, ‘I’m just saying Dorr love’.

    She threw her hands in the air, ‘We’ll put him in the barrow Ephraim!’. “Joanna’s” eyes began to sparkle, ‘Ooh’, she said. Her tour group approached, ‘We got a proper feast Effy! Welcome them in love. Welcome them in’.

    Ephraim scratched his nose as “Joanna” enunciated clearly, ‘Ephraim and Doris’s cottage...’, she flourished her arms as Ephraim peered out the window, they might not want to come in Dorr love, he thought.

    “Joanna” grinned at her tour group, ‘…and now well go in.’.

    ‘Excuse me. Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but is that supposed to move on its own, the effects are very good here, aren’t they?The front door just opening by itself I mean.’.

    “Joanna” frowned, ‘Well’, she leant in conspiratorially, ‘There have been tales of supernatural activity linked with this cottage of course.’ and gave him a wink. It would probably help to be a bit chummy, she thought. Ephraim’s scythe separated the head from the shoulders in one blow. The rest of tour group cheered. ‘ He’s right,’ said the decapitated tourist’s newly widowed wife nodding, ‘the effects are very good here!’ – her husband of course did not nod. His head was now six feet from his body and rolling towards the front door. ‘How do you fake that? My Fred was in on it with you all I suppose. He’d have to be. Never let on though, the bugger!’.

    Doris frowned as Ephraim mopped up the stragglers and surveyed his work, ‘We’re gunna need more barrows, Doris.’, he said. Doris begun searching the kitchen shelves,

    ‘You’ve got them all over my bloody floor. That’ll be there permanent now!’.

    ‘ Dorr?’,

    ‘ Hmm?’.

    ‘Maybe we could retire? You know, put our hooves up so to speak?’.

    Doris’s hand paused over the handle of an enormous cooking pot, ’ But Effy, what would we do love?’, she said.

    ‘ Nowt love. That’s the point of retiring.’.

    Ephraim looked hopeful as Doris propped her recipe book open. ‘I just thought that now you know, food’s on tap so to speak we could take it a bit easy...’,  Ephraim lit the kitchen fire with Kyle’s matches, set about stripping Kyle’s flesh from Kyle’s bones,

    ‘No, no. The meat’s always tastier on the bone love! Just strip ‘em, hack ‘em, and chuck ‘em in the pot.’.

    ‘ Well, I’ll leave the recipe to you as usual my love.’.

    Ephraim smiled. Doris smiled back. ‘ Stew for two hours; drain and season to taste, and Bob’s yer uncle!’, she said.

    ‘Happy days!’, said Ephraim.

    ‘ Happy days!’ echoed Doris.

    Ephraim and Doris Mahoun watched the ferry on its last return journey of the day make its approach manoeuvre into Loch Deil jetty. Ephraim peered at his reflection in the Plexiglas queue shelter, Kyle’s face peered back.

    ‘Boat cumin Effy.’, said Doris. ‘How many d’you think live on the other side of our loch Effy love?’,

    ‘Dunno.’, he said. ‘Lots of tourists getting off though.’. Ephraim side-eyed his wife. ‘Hey! Wait now!’, he said, ‘We’re retired. Remember?’.

    “Joanna” looked back at him, Doris squeezed his hand, ‘Well, there’s life in the old dogs yet, eh Effy luv?’ she said. They stepped aboard.