Snips and Snails and Puppy Dogs' Tails

Once upon a time, there was a nasty witch who owned a bakery. She was gross, with her long oily grey hair and her giant wart covered nose. Her name was Hazel. She loved kids. Sorry, I meant to say she loved eating kids. In her opinion, they were juicy and delicious, and when baked just right, she could use them to make her world-famous oatmeal raisin little boy and little girl cookies. Of course, she didn’t sell these; they were purely for her enjoyment alone. Instead, she sold regular baked goods, and the town adored them. Sometimes she feared that the townspeople of Scuffle would find out what she was doing behind the scenes, and she would be arrested. What a shame that would be. 

Hazel had a hard time finding kids. She couldn’t always use the ones living in Scuffle, or someone might get suspicious. So she often travelled well outside of Scuffle to Toadsville or the town of Snake Legs. 

One day, when Hazel was hard at work in the bakery with the news channel on, to keep her company. She saw the headline: Massive Cookie Exchange in Beatle Hut Last Weekend. She kept her deep green eyes peeled to the television screen, excited. The newscaster announced the event attracted hundreds of kids from across the country. It was a great way to get parents and kids alike encouraged to start their own home baking. 

A lightbulb lit up above Hazel’s head; this had given her a brilliant idea! She would host her very own cookie exchange, and it would be the perfect disguise to lure little kids into her captivity. 

She’d been eying one specific little boy for a long time. His name was Freddy, and he loved sweets so much that he almost looked like a human lollipop. Hazel’s mouth watered at the very thought of Freddy flavoured oatmeal cookies. The rolls on his arms and legs and his pudgy stomach would make for the best batch she’d ever made. Mmm, delicious, thought Hazel.

So, she worked day and night that week, putting together posters, making buttons, and baking hundreds of regular oatmeal raisin cookies. 

The next Monday, Hazel went door to door handing out her buttons and advertising her big cookie exchange. She needed as many people as possible if she was to enact her big plan of capturing Freddy. She needed people to be distracting one another so that she could sneak off with him without anyone noticing. 

When Hazel finally arrived at Freddy’s house, she pulled out a large box of fudge candies and held it in front of her. She rang the doorbell. Thump thump thumpety thump. That must be Freddy coming down the stairs. It was. 

“Hello Miss Eatsey! Oh my is that chocolate fudge? Is it for me?” Freddy was so big that even his clothes barely fit. Hazel noticed his stomach peeking out from under his yellow shirt and had to concentrate really hard so that her stomach wouldn’t growl. 

“Why yes, Mr. Freddy, I baked them just for you. Would you like to take a bite now and taste before your parents see?” 

He peeked behind his chunky shoulder to make sure he was in the clear. Then he reached his stubby fingers into the container and stuffed a big piece of fudge in his mouth. “Dis is wunduful” he said with a mouthful of melting chocolate. 

Hazel heard someone’s footsteps. “Quick wipe your face off before your parents see, they’ll have a fit with me for feeding you treats” she laughed her witchy laugh as he swallowed his last bite and used his sleeve to erase the evidence.   

Freddy’s mother rounded the corner just as Hazel closed the container. 

“Hello Miss Eatsey, what brings you around?” 

“Mrs. Blubber, wonderful to see you. I was just stopping by to let your family know about my cookie exchange this Saturday. If you would like to join, everyone in town will be bringing their own baked goods and exchanging them. I recommend you bring your delicious apple pie. My stomach still dreams of it since you dropped one off on my birthday last year.” Hazel smiled, flashing Mrs. Blubber with her yellowed and rotting teeth.

“Why of course we will be coming” she exclaimed “I can’t wait” 

Hazel handed them some buttons and a poster and made her way back to the bakery, feeling triumphant. 

The week could not have passed slower; Hazel waited patiently for Saturday to come. She couldn’t wait to sink her teeth into a Freddy flavoured cookie. 

Finally, the big day arrived. Hazel had set up big tents and tables in the parking lot behind her bakery. The town was small, and people walked over. Everyone started mingling quickly, recognizing their neighbours and making small talk about what they’d baked for the event. Hazel made a short announcement thanking everyone for showing up and bringing goodies. Everything looked delicious, but not as tasty as Freddy, who just walked in holding hands with his parents. Hazel’s mouth watered uncontrollably. She dipped inside the bakery to silently go over her plan once again. 

First, lure Freddy away from his parents and into the bakery. Tell him there’s plenty of chocolate fudge inside among many other sweets. While he chows down, filling his already overflowing stomach with more, she would get a pot with water in the kitchen and get it boiling. Then she would ask Freddy if he wanted to see where all the baking magic happens, of course, he would say yes, and she would bring him into the back of the bakery. She would tell him that she was cooking up something special in the pot and that he could look if he wanted to. He would climb up onto a stepping stool and look down into the pot, and at that very moment, Hazel would shove him inside and close the lid. 

She had to do all this very quickly so that Freddy’s parents wouldn’t even notice he was gone, then she would head back outside and begin the cookie exchanging process. She would spend the entire afternoon and evening outdoors, and no one would suspect her for foul play.

Freddy’s parents would assume he’d gone home, and Hazel would assure them that everything was alright. She’d say he’d probably overeaten and needed to lay down. The Blubbers would thank her and head home looking for their son. 

The police would get called when they realized Freddy wasn’t home, but would never suspect Hazel for anything because she had the alibi of the entire town. The police would guess that he had run away or someone from outside of town who’d kidnapped him. Hazel would be in the clear. 

Hazel quietly sang her favourite song under her breath as she prepared herself to head back outside “snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails; that’s what little boys are made of. What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice; that’s what little girls are made of. Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails; that’s what little Freddy is made of. Boil him up and bake his guts. What are little girls ma-” 

Someone cut her off. She spun around, afraid of who’d heard her song and saw little Freddy standing in the doorway. “Miss Eatsey… you’re going to boil me?”

“Oh.” Hazel had to think fast. “Oh no, darling, this song is not about you… sometimes I name my cookies after little boys and girls. I’m about to bake some now and there is a cookie I named after you… because I’m going to give it to you.”   

“Oh okay.” 

Hazel could see the confusion on his face; he was most likely trying to figure out what was going on. He must know that she was lying. 

“Would you like to see the cookies? I have them in the kitchen, almost ready to go in the oven.”  

“No thanks. I think I’ll just go back outside with mommy and daddy.” He turned around and quickly made his way out of the bakery. 

What was Hazel going to do now? He’d never agree to come back inside. She messed up her best chance at baking Freddy Blubber into a cookie. 

Hazel had feared that Freddy would tell his parents about what happened, so she packed up her stuff as quick and she could and left through the front door. She got into her car and drove off, leaving a trail of dust behind her. 

Hazel Eatsey was never seen again in Scuffle. Legend has it she now lives in a gingerbread house in Dark forest where she waits patiently for little girls and little boys to wander by, curious of who lives inside. Then she bakes and eats them. 

The end.