Over

           It's over. My life. It's over and that's okay. Most people have secret stashes of things their spouse or singificant other doesn't know about. And so do I. So do I. In my medicine cabinet is aceteminaphine. You probably never heard of no aceteminaphine so I'll dumb it down for you. It's Tylenol. Legal, cheap, Tylenol. See, everything I have ever done has failed and then my parents, now legal guardian, punish me more and always inform me of what they'll take away next if I do anything to fuck up these great government benefits, which I never asked for. 

*

           I was in Ypsilanti, MI. Maybe you've never hear of Ypsilanti, but I was chasing my dream of being on Second City, Chicago by taking classes in Second City in Novi, Michigan. I graduated E but was unable to get the audition since my car was totaled or rather, I totaled my car. Then, I discovered I had maxed our my credit cards trying to reach my dreams. I had friends that were like family and I was going to have to leave because I couldn't pay rent, get food, transport myself, my credit score was terrible. I was eating a breluner every day. Maybe the reader is prosperous enough not to know what a breluner is. I got five bucks in my wallet, rents late, but I'm starving. So, I go to a Jimmy John's and get a day old bread for 50 cents. Well, 54 cents if you count tax. Then, I go to the deli of Walmart and look near the bakery where there's always old cheap stuff they couldn't sell. This time, they couldn't sell meat so it was $3 plus tax. I got a 67 cent crap 2 liter diet soda. And for the whole day, that's all I ate. I went to the dollar tree and spend $4.21 on shampoo, soap, toothpaste, and an even better priced soda. All this for going after my dreams, the American way. 

           I applied for house rental aid, but was denied, I applied for EBT benefits, but was denied, I applied for medicare, denied. So, I wound up looking for shelters, because I figured it'd be about a week before I was evicted. 

           But, you know what, (I said to myself), life is like riding a bicycle; you get on it, you fall down, you get back up. So, I decided to apply for a job in business as an executive assistant. This is a fancy way of saying a secretary. But, I'm desperate, so I found a truck stop which had a public shower. It was more expensive than I'd like, but this could be my future. So, I showered with the shit from the dollar tree. And I used Bic razors from the gas station along with shaving cream. I walked home and got the best looking clothes I had. Then, I went to the secretary/executive assistant and dropped off my application. The lady said thank you and said she would pass it on to her boss.

           The waiting game. A few days later I get a phone call which says the company is not interested in hiring me for multiple reasons. In the last hour I've gotten roughly 100 calls. 75 from bill collecters, 25 from telemarketers. Why can't I ever get a call from a rich friend looking to help me out? My mom and dad passed away a few years ago and left inheretance, but I've already spent it. My car is about to be repossessed. If I had enough money on my credit card, I'd go to the local gun store, buy a gun and bullets, and get the hell away from here. 

           There isn't enough money for food, but I learned from Recipes for Disaster how to get free food; restaurant dumpsters. Think about it. All the food that the rich sons-of-bitches don't eat and don't take home, or don't want, go straight in the trash can. Good, fresh, clean food. So, I rip open the trash bag and enjoy their leftovers. Steak fat, soggy fries, overcooked bbq ribs. Remember, “hunger is the best sauce”. 

           Then, another thought came into my head. Why not just stick people up? I'm young, strong, and I could easily rob people of their money and keep paying my rent. So, I give it a shot. While walking, I see a single Caucasion woman limping to her car with her grocery cart and I pull her to the side quickly and I tell her if she doesn't give me money or her groceries, I'm going to kill her. So, she says she'll give me her money. She has to catch her breath, but then she takes out something that doesn't look like money or food and I hear a noise and pass out. She had a taser. 

*

           When I woke up, there were ambulances, firemen, and police there. The EMTs were taking my vitals while transporting me to the stretcher. Then, the police came over: “So, what happened?” 

But then, I remembered the Recipe for Disaster “I'm using my right to remain silent. I want to speak to an attorney.” 

           Then, they transported me, in a comfortable police car, to prison. They put me in an interrogation room and did all the sneaky cop tricks like “Would you like a glass of water?”

 This is so they can get my fingerprints so I said “I'm using my right to remain silent. I would like to speak to an attorney” and then they finally got me an attorney.

           Now, my attorney and I went into a private room and I didn't tell the whole truth but I didn't like either. I told him a woman had attacked with with a taser and when I woke up the police, firemen, and ambulances were there.” which was true. I then asked, “Have I been accused of anything?” The attorney looked through his notes and said, “Some lady, Chrissy Burr, said you attempted to rob her at gun point and she had no other choice but to defend herself. 

           “Did she have her money” I didn't have it, so she must.

           “Yeah”.

           “Then I didn't rob her.”

           “She said it was armed robbery and she was defending herself.a'

           “Did the police find any weapons on me?”

           “No.”

           “So, why did she use her weapon against me? Maybe I should press charges.”

           “Do you wish to pleade guilty, not guilty, or no contest?”

           “Not guilty.”

           “Are we willing to offer any settlements, perhaps?”

           “I don't have any money so no.”

           “Ok, let me work on opening statements and the prosecuters are going to put you on the stand and you have to keep your story straight or you'll be in jail for at least 25 years. You will have to stay in prison for tonight in the orange jump suit they provided. 

*

           That night, even though I was in my cell alone, I felt safe. I knew I'd get clothes tonight, I knew I'd get a shower tomorrow morning, the laundry would be done. This was, believe it or not, good. So, I went to sleep.