Everything is fine!

Mary was watching her baby on her lap, he was sitting on her lap breastfeeding while twirling her hair with his small fingers. She can’t believe he’s turning one in a week. He was so small when they brought him home. Now, he’s a walking little man. Soon, he’ll stop breastfeeding. She’s going to miss these little moments they have together. Instead of appreciating the immense gratitude she felt at that moment, her mind began reeling. 

Did I order enough balloons? Will he like the colors I ordered? Will he like the cake? Did I go a little crazy over the ‘blue’ themed birthday party. I know he likes the color blue, but did I go overboard with it? Blue cake, blue balloons, 2 stuffed blue elephant, blue streamers, and a blue ‘my first birthday’ onesie. Do I really need to invite my mother in law to her grandson’s birthday party? She is so awful, why do I need to be around her? 

At that very moment, her husband walks in. She looks up at him and smiles, he smiles back and starts complaining about his hard work day. She smiles and says ‘hmm’ at all the appropriate moments. He’s talking about this new guy who has joined the project. Her mind is on the balloons. Should I pick up the balloons on the day of the party or a day before the party? I hope he eats dinner without any fuss. I’m so tired, I could easily fall asleep now. I have to get dinner ready. Oh shoot, I’m not following Jack’s story. 

“Did you hear me?” Jack asks. 

“Sorry, I was thinking about the balloons for Aidan’s birthday party. Do you think you can pick it up the day before the party?”

“Yeah sure.”

Aidan looks up at his mom, turns his head and gives his dad a nice toothy smile. Jack goes over to him, Aidan bounces off his mom’s lap and says ‘up’. Jack comes over to pick him up and starts tickling him. Mary goes over to the kitchen to start dinner. 

That night Mary is finding it hard to fall asleep. I love Aidan, I really do. But, I can’t do this anymore. I’m so lonely. I wish I could talk to Jack. Maybe I should go back to seeing my therapist. She can’t talk to her husband. He thinks everything is fine. Everything should be fine. I have a beautiful family. I have a healthy perfect little boy. Why am I unhappy? I thought being a stay at home mom will be about giggles, going on stroller walks, playing at the beach with my kid, watching daytime TV. Nobody told me it’s boring, lonely, frustrating, sore boobs, lots and lots of laundry, and so very lonely. Aidan is such a fussy eater. Every time I have to feed him, I feel like banging my head against the wall. If he doesn’t eat enough, how am I ever going to stop breastfeeding. Other moms look like they have it all figured out. I feel like I’m drowning here. They say it will get easier. When? Aidan still doesn’t nap unless he’s sleeping on my chest. It feels like he’s an extension of my own body, like my arm or leg. It feels like everything I do, is for him. My life doesn’t feel like mine anymore. I have to make a change. I’m going to make an appointment with my former therapist. I need to talk to Jack. 

The next morning, after a disturbed night sleep, she decides to talk to her husband. Aidan is still asleep thankfully, her husband is having his morning coffee and looking at his phone. She goes to him and says “Can we talk?” Jack looks up and says, “Is everything okay?”

“No”.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m unhappy. I love Aidan, I want to stay home with him. But, I need help. I don’t think I can keep going this way. I’m so miserable and lonely. I think I’ll make an appointment with my old therapist. Do you remember her? I saw her when I was pregnant. I think I need some help.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea you felt this way. How can I help?”

“I’ll make an appointment with her for the evening this week. Maybe you can come home early and watch Aidan.”

“I can do that. See if you can get an appointment for Thursday or Friday, which is less busy for me. Do you want to cancel the party?”

“No, we’ve already invited everyone. And I do want to celebrate our baby. Can you believe he’s turning one? I was thinking maybe I can go for drinks with my friends next weekend. I haven’t seen them in ages. It would be a nice break for me.”

Jack comes over, puts his arms around her and hugs her. She cries on his shoulder. “I love him so much. But, some days, the stress really gets to me.”

Jack rubs her back, and says “I’m sorry I’ve not been paying attention. I’ll take care of Aidan on a Saturday night; you should go out with your friends and have some fun. And you know what, I think we deserve a date night for surviving our first year together. We are not just celebrating first year of Aidan’s life, but also our first year as parents. I’ll find us a sitter and let’s go celebrate us.”

She felt so loved. She looked up at his beautiful face and kissed him. That very moment, Aidan wakes up crying. She smiles and says “Thank you”. Jack says, “I can go and hold him for a while. I’m sure he can wait a little to be fed. Don’t worry, I’ll keep him distracted. Why don’t you go take a nice long shower before breastfeeding him.” Her face lights up. “Yes! I would love that.” She runs to the shower, feeling a tiny bit of guilt for not feeding her baby right away, she pushes the guilt away and decides to enjoy her nice warm shower.  

She finishes her shower and then watches as Jack plays with their son. Her son heard her come in, and smiles happily saying “mama, mama.” She goes over to her baby, picks him up, and kisses his chubby soft cheeks, feeling joy and gratitude.