I’d Rather Be On My Couch

   “Are you almost ready?” Tammy’s voice sings out of my phone.

   “No, I’m not going.”

   “Don’t be silly, of course you are going!”

   “I’m already in my pajamas.”

   “Joey Kalisto is throwing a huge party tonight and Bobby Sherman is working security. He guarunteed he can get us in. We cannot miss this opportunity. It’ll be fun. Joey Kalisto!”

“Reading my book is fun.”

“Come on Kelly, you never go out anymore. I miss hanging out with you.”

   Joey Kalisto. Tammy has been crushing on the pop star for ages. 

   I want to stay home. I’m in no mood to socialize. I want to tell her Bobby Sheman is full of crap and even if he did get us into the party we would probably never get anywhere near Joey Kalisto, but the guilt of disappointing my best friend gets the best of me.

   “Okay fine,” I sigh.

   Tammy actually squeals.

   “I'll be there in ten.”

   She hangs up the phone before I can change my mind.

   I sigh again and look down at my bunny slippers as I get my tired body off the couch and walk to the bathroom.

   Looking at my disheveled self in the mirror I wonder "What does one wear to a pop star party?”

   I shuffle through my closet and find a black sequined dress.

“Definitely not,” I say out loud and toss it into the room to remind me to give it back to Tammy.

I decide on my dark black jeans and a black cold shoulder top with pink flowers.

“It’ll do,” I think, “but the ponytail is staying up.”

I reach into a drawer and pull out a pink silk ribbon and tie in around my ponytail, swipe on some eyeliner and a quick brush of mascara.

The doorbell rings, immediately followed by several knocks. I roll my eyes. I open the door and Tammy grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me.

“Joey Kalisto!” she squeals again, “this is going to be epic!”

She drives, of course, and talks the whole way there. Wishing I was still on my couch in my pajamas, I let her ramble on. 

We drive up to the black iron gate in front of the Kalisto house and a tall black man in a suit is standing there.

“Um, that’s not Bobby Sherman,” I say.

“Be cool,” says Tammy as she rolls down her window.

“Name?” asks the guard.

“Hello sir,” she says batting her fake eyelashes., “my name is Tammy Halik. What’s yours?”

He looks at a clipboard.

“Sorry, not on the list,” he says.

“Bobby Sherman is expecting me,” she tries.

“Well, Bobby Sherman is not here, nor is he my boss, so if your name is not on the list you can move along.”

Tammy’s face falls and I think she might cry.

“It’s okay Tam,” I say, “we tried.”

She backs the car up and drives down the street and around the corner without saying a word. She pulls to the curb on the next street over and gets out of the car.

“What are you doing?”

“I was promised a Joey Kalisto party and I’m going to get one.”

The determination in her face scares me.

“The back of his house is just on the other side of that fence. We just need to find the back gate.”

“Are you crazy? We will get arrested if we try to sneak in.”

“It’ll be fine,” she smiles, “where’s your sense of adventure?”

“In my book back on my couch.”

She glances around the empty street then makes a run for the rose bushes.

“Wait!” I whisper yell, then follow her.

She’s already halfway through the bushes. How she can move so fast through the thick thorns I do not understand. As I contemplate this, a thorn snags my jeans and tears a hole in the thigh. Just great. These are my favorite jeans. 

Tammy crouches by the stone wall behind the bushes, biting her lip in thought.

“Okay,” she says, “we just need to climb over this wall, make it across the backyard and over the back fence. Then we should see a gate somewhere to Joey’s fence.”

“Yup, it’s official, you are crazy.”

Before I can stop her she’s halfway up the wall. I groan and look for something to use as a foothold. I’m grateful I’m wearing flats. Tammy is an accomplished rock climber, but I still wonder how she is doing this in heels and a skirt. 

I struggle my way up the stone wall, scraping my wrist and hand several times. Joey better fall in love with Tammy and marry her after all this.

Tammy is sitting on top of the wall waiting for me. I curse as I swing my legs over. I’m now covered in dirt. My black jeans look grey and my hand is bleeding. Somehow Tammy still looks perfect. We are looking at a typical rich person's backyard. Flowers, a pool, a cabana, a garden, and another stone wall. Great.

“Tammy I don’t think this is a good idea,” I say, trying to brush the dirt off my jeans.

“That’s what makes it fun,” she winks, then jumps. 

I look down at the six foot drop into yup, you guessed it, another bush.

Cursing again, I hang over the edge and drop. Ouch. My ponytail gets snagged as I climb out of the bush, leaving my pink ribbon tangled in the thorns. Tammy is already on her feet, still looking perfect. How she manages to not have a single spot of dirt on her is beyond me.

We take a few steps forward and hear a growl. Damn. Two large Doberman pinschers stand at attention, looking at us, teeth bared. I’m frozen in place but Tammy says “on three.”

“We cannot outrun dogs!”

“One, two, three!”

We sprint the length of the yard toward the back wall, dogs barking and nipping at our heels. Tammy, being the more athletic one, is up and over the wall in seconds. As I climb, one of the dogs sinks his teeth into my shoe. I yank my foot away but the shoe stays with him. Fabulous. Now I only have one shoe. Tammy is already scaling the next wall.

“I thought there was a back gate,” I huff.

“There is supposed to be, but I don’t see one anywhere.”

She owes me big time for this.

The bass from the music coming from the property is making the ground shake. I think I’m going to be sick.

“Come on,” says Tammy, perring over the edge, “we need to go while the coast is clear.”

“Tammy, I’m missing a shoe, I’ve ripped my jeans, I’m covered in dirt, my hair is a mess and I’m bleeding. This is ridiculous!”

She looks me up and down. “You look fine, just smooth out your hair. We’ve already come this far.”

I close my eyes and sigh. And she’s over the wall.

Shaking my head, I finish my climb and drop on the other side. No bushes to break the fall this time and I land hard, twisting my ankle. I hear voices laughing and talking and water splashing. We are standing behind a storage shed. Tammy is giddy with excitement. I want to slap her.

“Okay,” she says, “we need to act casual.” 

I try to smooth my hair back into a ponytail but my hair band is snapped. I take off my other shoe and leave it there behind the shed. No sense in walking in one shoe, I’d rather be barefoot.

We step out from behind the shed and walk toward the crowded pool area. No one seems to notice us. So far so good. Then barking starts again. I jump and start to run but Tammy catches me and says “casual.”

I’m expecting to see more Dobermans, or maybe a pitbull, but I look around to see two chihuahuas yipping and running toward us.

“Aw, aren’t they cute?” asks Tammy, squatting down to pat them.

“No,” I answer.

We make our way over to the pool bar unnoticed. People are dancing around the pool. Everyone here is perfect and I am a total mess. Tammy grabs two glasses of chardonnay and hands one to me.

“This is amazing,” she says, eyes glowing, “let’s find a seat, my feet are killing me.”

We make our way through the gyrating crowd on the pool’s edge. My chardonnay spills all over my shirt as I get bumped from side to side.

“I was perfectly comfortable on my couch with my book,” I think as I limp around the edge.

“Oh my God, it’s him!” Tammy squeals.

I turn to look just as a man decides to start break dancing. 

“Why would someone break dance on the edge of a crowded pool?” I think just as his leg swings around and knocks me off my bare feet.

SPLASH!

This is it. I’m going to drown right here in a pop star’s swimming pool and God won’t let me into Heaven cuz I snuck into the party.

I see a hand reaching into the water and I’m not entirely sure if it’s the hand of God and I’m dying faster than expected, or someone trying to rescue me. I almost don’t grab it, thinking “no, just let me die, Hell can’t be much worse than this day,” but I decide not to let my best friend grieve, so I grab the hand and it pulls me up out of the water.

“Thanks,” I say, now able to breath again. I look up into the face of Joey Kalisto. Tammy is standing behind him, smiling wide, with her thumb up.

“Nice one,” she mouths to me.

Joey is looking at me.

“Do I know you?” he asks.

I shake my head.

“No, I don’t think so,” I answer.

“I don’t think so either,” he says, “security!”

“That was epic,” says Tammy as we take our seats in the back of the squad car.

My head moves toward her of its own accord.

“I’m never going out with you again.”