JUST FOR NOW

Who knew I would finally have the courage to look at myself in the mirror? And appreciate the cringe lines on my eyes and the brackets that was a substitute of dimples? I never knew someday I would twirl before a mirror and appreciate my height and the body structure I had shrouded with baggy clothes?

I turned to the task at hand. If there is something that the Great Insecurity had successfully ripped away from me, was my creative mind which often, more than not, manifested itself through my handiwork. While I had naively let it set on me, prompted by handing over my heart on a plastic platter to a heartless guy, I was now on the perfect road to recovery. And lo and behold, the results was in the recipe cards I had complied.

It's that time of year

Leave all our hopelessness tears aside

If just for a little while (Just for now, just for now)

Tears stop right here (Tears stop right here)

I know we've all had a bumpy ride (Just for now)

I caressed the recipe cards on the table and felt a sense of achievement I had forgotten. Up next was the guest list. I re-assembled the Wimbledon chairs again and ran over the printed guest name with a fine tooth comb precision. No name had been misspelled and neither had been placed on the wrong place. As my eye came across my own name, I felt a vise grip on my heart and took a deep breathe to easy the physical yet psychological related pain. Food for thought, what was I doing?

“Trinity, you’ve got to stop re-arranging everything da-h-ling,” whispered Mama as she planted a kiss on my cheek. A mix and mingle of sandalwood connoisseur, cumin, cinnamon and jasmine perforated my nostrils creating a light headed-ness sensation. Somehow, it made the tensed muscles uncoil in a relieved motion.

“Mama, the table runners look out of place. As well as the serviettes. The cutlery has been positioned on the wrong side…..”

“Mon amour, mi amor, wachikondi wanga, mudiwa wangu, Sthandwa sami…. ”

I laughed, “Mama, show off.”

She enclosed me in her bosom then and cooed while patting my back, “Da-h-ling, you worry too much about details. I know, I know, but let Mama calm down your nerves. Everything is just amazing to the eye. Not everyone is thorough with the details like you Cherie. You see, once the color hit the eye, it excites the brain and make it have a temporary freeze such that it shuts the mind from pondering on what is wrong.”

“But Ma, I will be in full knowledge of it.”

“Shush child, now go dress up. Your guests will be here in a few minutes. Shoo, go on. I will stand guard now and make sure your fingerprints do not tarnish the finesse of this setting.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

It’s all your fault that I treat you that way. You are not flexible. You are like a log. You do not know how to respond. Sometimes I feel like I am dating a grandma. You are like a man in a female body. Having nails like a raccoon. What kind of woman has that kind of strength to make a man’s eyes pop out when she clenches his hand?

I lowered my lids and flirtingly looked in the mirror. These lashes were so heavy but gave me that look I was going to convey. I would endure for the night. Yes I would. After all, I was upping my game. GO GAL!

Bite. Tongue. Deep. Breaths

Count to ten. Nod your head

A knock interrupted my train of thoughts.

“It’s open.”

The door was opened and I looked at the reflection in the mirror and smiled, “Good evening my gorgeous man.”

“You don’t have to do this Trinity. You know it.”

I reached for my teardrops and felt my cheeks inflame with a forced smile, “Terence, I have to.”

He stood framed on the entrance, arms crossed and leaning casually on one of the door frames, “Sis, you don’t have to. You really don’t have to do this.”

I peered at my own reflection in the mirror and frowned, “You know, it’s not over until I declare.”

Terence in a jiffy was behind my back, giving my shoulders a stiff massage, “ ‘Vengeance is mine, and recompense, for the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and their doom comes swiftly.’ ”

“You know I am not revenging. By the way, you look gorgeous.”

He rolled his eyes, opened his mouth to say something then decided not to. He leaned forward and reached for my stress ball. With an elaborate flip of his right hand, the ball flew into the air and momentarily cast a shadow on me. He caught it into his left hand and grinned. He suddenly looked like the little imp he was in his pre-teen era while I was just six. I felt the urge to scream at him due to his antics of annoying me. Then zipped my lips, “Lil sis, I will borrow this for the evening.”

I arose slowly, straining against my rising anger that wanted to attack him and rip his gorgeous suit, “You know I need that elder brother.”

He then used his finger to poke my forehead, “Hey no. Oh no.”

“Terence…”

“Trinity.”

“Trinity?”

The acrimonious atmosphere zapped at once as there was an addition of Mama’s voice. My brother grinned and exited the room as Mama entered. A new light seemed to pierce the atmosphere and I felt every ounce of anger against my brother disappear.

“Da-h-ling, you look so splendid. Shush, shush, don’t mention it. I know I am stunning but not as the host of this Cookie Exchange night. Anyway, the guests are here. Would you love to see your own collection of cookies?”

*************

Chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, gingersnaps, shortbread cookies, kiss cookies, biscotti, spritz cookies, macaroons and the fortune cookies.

My Mama smiled at the loaded table as she helped me hand over cups and other finger licking good stuff. Terence in the background was smiling and charming one of my girlfriends. In seeing me stare at them, she waved at me and dragged an unwilling Terence to me.

“Gal, you are on point. This place…” she snapped her fingers in our signature of approval. I smiled and did a mock curtsey, “Your Ladyship Opahh, I am highly honored.”

“Get off the high horse,” she hollered giving me a slight shove. I laughed out loud then attracting the attention of all my guests. Besides me, Opahh stiffened besides me, “What is that animal doing here?”

Terence came to stand beside me. I felt belittled and sandwiched between two overprotective bouncers. I felt the urge to snatch the stress ball out of my brother’s hand then as I felt a familiar pain streak on my forehead.

“Please, do not belittle the animals,” I whispered.

“Bah, bah, boo….just tell me what he is doing here before I ruin your night.”

“And there goes my perfect night,” muttered Terence as we witnessed someone knock down one of Terence’s vase. Thankfully, it was not broken. He turned to me, “Who the hell brought out such an idea? Cookie Exchange?”

I smugly smiled, “I cordially invited all sweet toothed chefs and wannabes. It’s close to Christmas guys. A little cheering and cheating calories will do. Look Mama is overdoing it now. Terence….”

He muttered and detached himself from my side to intercept Mama as she twirled with Terence’s junior in the cricket team. The junior sheepishly looked at Terence and apologized. I looked apologetically at Opahh as she kept throwing daggers at someone in the room.

“It’s time…” I spoke now nudging her. She stood to her full height. Oh, she had actually crouched to a predator position? She looked at me and raised her arms in the hands, “Time for what? It better be good.”

How did you know?

It's what I always wanted

Can never have too many of these

Quit kicking me under the table

I’m trying

Somebody make her shut up

About it

Can we settle down, please?

**************

I cleared my throat and politely asked the attention of everyone. And by everyone’s eyes on me, I felt comfortable, except for one pair of eyes which seemed to be piercing me. In approval or annoyance? Love or hatred?

I looked at Opahh then, Terence, Mama, Roland (the junior), Keisha (my other friend), Mulinah (Terence’s girlfriend), Palencia (my neighbor’s son), Harold (my mother’s assistant), Kerina (my friend) and her boyfriend Gerald. I took a deep breathe.

“I count it all joy to see y’all gathered together with me at this Cookie Exchange. It is going to be an annual thing, getting bigger and better with age. I just wanna take this time to say thank you for coming today. I know and I do understand most of us have demanding jobs and businesses especially when we are approaching the festive season. But thank you for coming in to support my vision.

“How about we start? I hope everyone brought along a container as we will be exchanging our cookies. We may all take our seas and leave the podium to Mama. She will be the first to give us an elaborate explanation on her Fortune cookies, what inspired her to make them. As for the recipes, there are right by your plates. If you do not understand any stage, you can ask her and she will answer. Thank y’all once again.”

**************

As the night progresses, things were getting heated up. While the room was saturated by people cracking jokes and elaborating their recipes, I kept feeling a chilling moment of a pair of cold eyes staring at me.

If only Terence could give me back my stress ball.

I listened to all as they simplified their recipes. The party got gayer as people started singing carols. Mama this time did not twirl around with Roland but chose to dance alone in the circle we had created.

I felt that failure vise gripping my heart and bent a bit to relieve the pain. Strong hands gripped my arms then. I did not dare fight, “Lil sis, you don’t have to do this,” whispered Terence compassionately this time. He quietly dragged me to the table and gave me another cookie and milk.

I choked on the cookie and started spluttering and coughing. He rubbed my shoulders. Thankfully enough, no one noticed this scene, “Are you sure they didn’t poison their cookies?”

“Trinity, stop,” pleaded Terence now kneeling before me.

“I am not doing anything. Just being a host of a Cookie Exchange,” I spoke without conviction.

“Trinity…”

“I am dying and I deserve to do this.”

Before he could stop me, I snapped out of the chair, fighting off the pain that was now gripping my heart. I fast sprinted to the center of the circle and immediately everyone froze.

“TRINITY!” shouted my brother.

I looked at the bewildered looks and hiccupped as I felt a sharp iron pierce my heart, “Thank you all for coming. I also have a special announcement to make.

“But first of all, Gerald you are such a heartless person and definitely, definitely need exorcising of that spirit that makes you enjoy the pain of many people. Women especially. You know I loved you right? I had to let you go while I did still love you. Then you had to go ahead and torment me further by asking out Kerina. Who happens to be my friend in case you didn’t know?

“I know I was naïve. Maybe one of us or both of us was a fake and acting like a canopy. Not wanting to come into another’s life and commit but neither be willing to let other people in. Oh but I learnt a valuable lesson for that.

“I am afraid the loyalty between my girls and I is so much thicker than love. So with that said, I am so glad to announce that Kerina and Palencia are getting married tomorrow. They were so afraid to break it to y’a…..”

The vision suddenly became bleary before me. I swiped for a cookie that now came rushing to punch me. I helplessly gave in to the pain that was now beckoning. A lot of knives pierced my whole being…..Who can stand such…..?

Get me outta here, Get me outta here

Get me outta here, Ooh

Get me outta here, Get me outta here

Get me outta here

Would you get me outta here, Get me outta

**************