Crushed teenager on a bed of tears with white wine reduction and chocolate swirl.

Crushed teenager on a bed of tears with white wine reduction and chocolate swirl.

Ingredients:

Mixture of vinyl

Melange of hair and beauty products

A la carte of black outfits

Mise en place of makeup and brushes

Medley of Jewellery

5 inch Winklepicker stilettos

Assortment of alcoholic beverages

1 packet of 10 Embassy number 1

Julienne of Swan Vesta

25 squirts of Anais Anais

Method:

1) Heat crimping irons to 230 degrees.

2) Turn on Amstrad HiFi system, place 12 inch version of Transvision Vamp’s ‘Baby I Don’t Care,’ on turntable. With steady hand, apply stylus to edge of record. Allow to crackle and burst into song. Dance with zest.

3) Fill miniature sink in corner of room with luke warm water. Produce light foam with rose scented soap from your admirer, wash face then massage with pale blue holey towel, from school. Be careful not to scratch eyes on nametape.

4) Dredge a selection of black clothing from wardrobe, assemble on bed.

5) Blend different outfits for half an hour, ensuring all unwanted items hide the threadbare carpet. Finally decide on the first one you tried; fishnet tights and legwarmers from C & A, corset, crop top and ra-ra skirt from Tammy girl, wide elastic belt and highwayman jacket from Dorothy Perkins.

6) Plump breasts with silicone chicken fillets.

7) Squirt quenelle of VO5 extra body styling mousse into palm of hand. Knead into hair. Pin back with Alice band, leave to ferment.

8) Mix ivory foundation with moisturiser, smother on face until blanched.

9) Scoop hairbrush into hand and scream, “Baby I Don’t Care” doing your best Wendy James impression. Ignore banging on door and yells of “Turn that down.”

10) Turn up stereo to max volume.

11) Darken eyes with shades of grey and purple, until 1cm thick.

12) Select favourite eye definer, intricately create quadrille and Vandyke patterns from outside of eye to hairline. Dust cheeks with lilac blusher. Cake on jet black mascara.

13) Trace pout with violet pencil, glaze with lavender lipstick. Dab with tissue.

14) Decorate mirror: Write boyfriend’s name with gloss and glitter, pipe toothpaste heart to enclose.

15) Return stylus to beginning of record. Resume dance moves for one minute.

16) Crimp edges of short hair on top of your head, being vigilant not to fry it or burn your hands. Backcomb until desired four inch stiff peaks have been achieved. With circular movements spray with Silvikrin extra hold.

17) Gather together the long hair hanging from the back of your head, using both hands split into three equal portions. With precision create a French plait. Finish with indigo ribbon tied into a bow.

18) Leave to stand for 5 minutes, admire reflection.

19) Garnish makeup strewn dressing table with contents of jewellery box. Flip through earrings until you find two identical skulls. Attach to ears you had pierced without permission.

20) Whisk college bag in search of black leather necklace. Fingers stick to half eaten Curly Wurly. Tear off leftover wrapper, chew and swallow until finished, wipe chocolate off lips.

21) Repeat step 13.

22) Practise seductive smile in mirror, notice caramel stuck to teeth, brush them.

23) Repeat step 13 again!

24) Decide you have to listen to ‘Baby I Don’t Care’ one more time before outfit can be completed, take appropriate action.

25) Choose alternative black leather necklace, spend 2 minutes attempting to fasten clasp. Quit. Hurl across bedroom. Rifle through wicker basket you made at age 12, locate maroon lace choker, attach with ease.

26) Layer a total of 23 bangles on right arm.

27) Slip feet into winklepickers. Trip over mound of discarded clothing. Kick off shoes. Deposit by nearest exit.

28) Pull canvas hemp rucksack from underneath bed. Skewer on bed leg, snap strap. Swear. Swear again. Yank bottom draw, retrieve sewing box, thrown there after failing needlework. Acquire safety pin, stab finger when fixing strap. Toss rucksack into bin. Suck on finger, whilst finding plaster from store cupboard under sink.

29) Remove ‘Baby I Don’t Care’ from turntable. Slide Def Leppard’s Hysteria album from sleeve, rest on turntable. Play title track.

30) Rescue rucksack, dump with winklepickers.

31) Avoid being smacked in the head as mother steams through the door and hands you the phone.

32) Position yourself in middle of bed, as though posing for Just Seventeen magazine. Smile. Flutter eyelids, if possible depending on quality of mascara. Imagine kissing sex God as he speaks.

33) Freeze for thirty seconds. Process. Breathe. Pinch cheek to release pressure. Raise temperature. Whip yourself into a frenzy. Roast and scald ex-lover telling him how shallow he is. Continue this action for as long as you feel necessary or until the line goes dead, whichever happens first. Drop phone. Burst into tears.

34) Unearth soft brown teddy that parent’s friend made for you when you were nine and you hide every time someone comes round. Sob into his worn fur, leaving him with a soggy ear and trail of snot. Set aside, leave to dry and crisp.

35) Salvage phone. Speed dial best friend. Stew, simmer and boil for an hour.

36) Leave to cool for five minutes

37) Climb into wardrobe, cry for a further 10 minutes. Climb out again, holding bottle of Niersteiner poached from parents larder. Empty remaining liquid into plastic Miss Piggy cup, (that you also keep stored away) given to you by your younger sister. Open gullet, down in one. Heave.

38) Reunite with your stash of Embassy number 1 from your pant draw. Unlatch window, spark up swan vesta on sill, lean out, inhale, exhale. Repeat seven times. Stub out, lift lid of secret tin, gag from smell. Put butt in, shove to back of cupboard.

39) Waft arms frantically and spray copious amount of Anais Anais to eradicate stench.

40) Shred love letters, pepper into sink, steep with contents from vodka mini bottle, extricated from cowboy boots. Strike swan vesta on faded pink wall, resolve to worry about stain later. Flambe, until inferno nearly reaches the ceiling, douse with water to extinguish.

41) Take photo of devil from wallet, pierce hole through his face with stiletto heel. Wedge between two unused encyclopaedias along with previous defaced cheating low life’s memorabilia.

42) Replace Hysteria with Heart’s album ‘Bad Animals’, listen to track two, ‘Alone’.

43) Proceed with crying for five and a half minutes, taste brine on lips.

44) Put stylus back to ‘Alone’.

45) Go to mirror: Rub Satan’s dedication until it reduces to faint smear.

46) Wipe skin’s surface with bite sized amount of Oil of Ulay, given to you by your grandma, erase Alice Cooper streaks. Deglaze lips.

47) Put stylus back to ‘Alone’.

48) Strip off clothing, debone corset, add to items stockpiled earlier. Stuff yourself into fleece lined butterfly pyjamas.

49) Scrape stylus off record.

50) Wrap wilted body in towelling dressing gown. Collapse into bed, cover with duvet.

51) Leave to marinate. Preferably overnight.