Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It’s that time of year, filled with holiday cheer. It’s white and cold, everything is trimmed with gold. Jingle bells ring and carolers sing. The world is lit up, sparkles, and shines. Passerby’s share holiday greetings with open minds. Families gather for traditions that matter.

Today I woke to winter’s chill, which decided to take up residency on my hardwood floors. I threw on my slippers, adjusted the heat, and I cooked myself a big breakfast. Normally I don’t do that, usually just some toaster waffles and coffee. But today, today was sausage links, French toast, scrambled eggs (with cheese and a little hot sauce), and some fresh fruit. Coffee and OJ to wash it down.

I put on the old Redwings and threw on the old Carhartt and loaded up the Jeep with a chainsaw and ratchet straps. I drove down to Elbert’s Tree Farm just outside of town. When I got there, there were more stumps than trees. It was a pretty good hike back in there to find the perfect tree with the right branch spacing so there weren’t any holes showing. It was hilly with snow about a half inch up my boot. A cloudy day with light flurries dancing around the air. Of course, that old gas chainsaw had to be pain in the you know what. I tinkered with it, oh say five, six minutes, but I got her running, and once I did, I got me a tree down in a hurry. It took a while to drag that thing out of there. That cancer has me thin and weak. Yep, all those years of smoking caught up with me. I’m sure it didn’t help that I started up smoking again after Lisa took Casey and split for Chicago or some nonsense with her boyfriend. Anyway, I got it out of there and on top of the Jeep, strapped it down good and tight, and then lugged it up three flights of stairs to my apartment.

I didn’t have any decorations, or a tree stand. Lisa took all those. So, I ran down to the Walmart to see what might be left on Christmas Eve. We always did things Lisa’s way at Christmas. She did things up pretty. I never thought about how I might do it on my own. I got some clear lights, red and green glass ball ornaments, gold garland, and a big red bow for the top of the tree. I figured that would look Christmasy enough. Grabbed me a tree stand too. Almost walked out without it. Got it home and got it all set up real nice. I had forgotten how good it smelled to have a real tree in the home. It brought back memories of when I was a kid. We were poor and made our own ornaments. We would dry cranberries and string them together with popcorn instead of garland, and me and my sister would make ornaments out construction paper. It wasn’t the prettiest tree in the neighborhood, but we had fun doing it. Lisa and I used an artificial over the years, but Lisa took that too.

I drove over to the mall and walked through the department stores. I spent my time watching people’s faces light up over finding those last-minute gifts that just so happen to be perfect for that certain someone. This time of year, no matter how dreary and cold it is outside, it’s always cheerful and warm inside. It’s in the ambiance, and it’s in the people. There’s just something about the Christmas season that brings out the best in people. I used to take mom and Casey up there so mom could do her Christmas shopping and Casey could pick out something for Lisa before seeing you. It was a joy watching their faces light up when they found that perfect gift. They’d get all excited about making someone else happy. You could see the anticipation on their faces, just knowing that person was going to be grateful. I loved seeing those faces. Now Casey’s gone and mom passed away two months ago. She went gently in the night, while she was sleeping.

After that, I drove up to Park Hill and watched families do their sledding. The snow was coming down harder by then, and I’d say we were well over an inch. Mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, all racing down the hill with shouts of joy and squeals of excitement. I remember the first time I took Casey. She was two years old and a little scared at first. She sat between my legs, and I held her tight. We took off down that slope and those little girl squeals and giggles, I’ll never forget the sound. After that she couldn’t get enough. She’d keep me there until dinner time. This is the first year we won’t be sledding together.

Then I slipped into Romano’s for dinner. That was where I proposed to Lisa. It’s a Steak and Seafood joint that we ate at frequently, so she never saw it coming. She was so happy she cried. That was ten years ago to this day. I felt a little silly going in there on my own, but the sirloin and lobster tail was calling my name. It was a gift for me. I don’t get out for nice dinners anymore.

Then it was off to catch the parade and see the lighting of the tree in the town square. I’m used to having a little person on my shoulders and a woman on my arm every year, so it kind of lost its magic. Casey used to run all over, chasing down the candy they would throw at the parade. She always thought that the floats that the local clubs and societies threw together were so amazing, with their twinkling lights and festive decorations. Her favorite was Santa’s. She liked knowing he came to her town first. Her and Lisa both loved the tree and would squeeze me tightly as they oohed and awed over the majestic twelve-foot evergreen as it gleamed and glittered while a motorized trainset rounded the empty packages that decorated the ground. This year just wasn’t the same. I lowered my hood covered head and headed home.

I hope you do better for my kid than you did for me. Like the time I asked for a Transformer, and you got me some knock-off version called a Transmorpher that got me laughed at then broke four days later. And don’t fill my kid’s stocking with leftover Halloween candy. That stuff is left over for a reason. It's nasty. No one wants to eat it. I can’t be there to make sure my daughter has the type of Christmas I never had. Her mother got full custody of her and ran off with her to Chicago, I think. I don’t know, support payments go through the state. I don’t even have her address to mail her something. If you are actually reading this, get her some books. I always read to her before bed. Beverly Cleary books are her favorite. She’s also very artistic, so I would like her to have some oil paints and canvases so she can paint something she is proud of and can hang in her room. Most of all I’d like her to have a little pet of her own. I was thinking of a gentle white dove that nuzzles and coos softly like she does when she snuggles.

While you’re there can you ask Lisa why? Why did she have the affair? Why did she move away? Why did she take Casey away from me? She was my first and only love. We had been together since high school. I pulled doubles during the week and gave up my Saturdays to put a nice roof over their heads, fill their bellies, have nice things. I sacrificed sleep so I could spend time with them, as much as I could. Ask what I did wrong. Ask her what more I could have done. I put so much of myself into providing for our family that the people I called friends no longer see me as one.

Tell Lisa she will have to let Casey know that her memaw passed away. She wants Casey to have her wedding ring and she has an account set up for Casey with money to help with college when she’s older. I added a little to it. Tell Lisa not to squander it all away or pawn the ring. Everything else was left to my sister, Diandra, and we haven’t been on speaking terms since I forgave Lisa for sleeping with her husband. I was a fool. I believed that she was drunk and didn’t know what she was doing. Turns out that was just the type of person she was. Deep down inside I just wanted to forget it happened, just didn’t want to be without her, but it would have saved me a lot of hurt if I had done what my sister did and ended things then.

I feel it’s fitting to write to you on this beautiful Christmas Eve. There’s no one else to write to. As far as the cancer goes, the doctor says that chemo is the way to go. I don’t know that I want to go through that. I mean, for what? There’s no one to care for me. Nothing is waiting for me when I recover except legal troubles. I’ve been drinking a lot. Was drunk at work and wrecked a forklift. Caused thousands of dollars in downtime, damaged materials, and property damage. Luckily no one was hurt, but there will be legal ramifications, I’m sure. Then there will be jail time for nonpayment of child support for not having a job. Ther’s no more family, no more friends, no more love. I don’t plan on waking up tomorrow to a life filled with nothing. I’ve got a bottle of bourbon and my playlist set to shuffle. I’m going to draw a warm bath and think about what was once good in my life as I bleed out. By the time you find this letter, I will be at peace. Tell Lisa to tell Casey that I love her to the stars and beyond.

Milk is in the fridge. Cookies are on the counter.

Damon Halsey