Always Star Stuck

ALWAYS STAR STRUCK

By Geraldine Treacy

(1,281 words)

The youngest of my five children, Matthew, has Asperger’s Syndrome. He is high-functioning and completed his undergraduate degree in English at an Ivy League university and then earned a master’s degree. He has a high IQ of borderline genius but has suffered throughout his life with bouts of depression. I asked him one time if it bothers him to have Asperger’s Syndrome and I loved his answer “No, it makes me unique.” He is unique. Since he was a young child he has always been fascinated by the solar system and the vastness of the universe. This focus on one interest is typical of Asperger’s and that is why people who have the condition excel in their specific area of interest. It is theorized that Bill Gates and Einstein had Asperger’s. And these highly intelligent men certainly excelled in their fields.

My fifth pregnancy with Matt was a total surprise and a shock. Fifteen months before the pregnancy I had undergone a Laparoscopic tubal ligation, a surgical sterilization procedure in which a woman's fallopian tubes are either clamped and blocked or severed and sealed. Both methods prevent eggs from being fertilized. My husband and I were the parents of two boys and two girls and we felt our family was complete. I remember going to a friend’s house for lunch after the procedure and she commented that I wasn’t eating much. I said “I feel nausea like when I was pregnant.” She said “Well you know you can’t be pregnant; you probably have the flu.” Later in the week, I went to my gynecologist and he did a urine test, which was the way in those days to determine pregnancy. When he later called me with the results of the test he said “It is half positive and half negative.” I asked “What does that mean?” He said you probably had the test done too early.” I got off the phone and thought “If I wasn’t pregnant, the test would not have been half positive.” Turned out I was right.

My pregnancies had been difficult so the laparoscopic tubal ligation procedure was appealing to us. I was always very maternal and loved my babies before they were even born. Not so with this pregnancy. I wasn’t happy being pregnant. Like my two daughters, I wanted a girl and bought a layette in pink. 

When Matt was born, the doctor announced “It’s a boy.” I responded “You’re kidding, right?” The doctor said “That is something we never kid about.” Post partum depression set in soon after the birth. When I left my room to visit the nursery, I noticed that all the newborns were sleeping except for Matt. He was wide awake every time I visited the nursery. He was as cute as a kewpie doll. One nurse obviously favored him and although I never expressed to anyone that I didn’t want the baby, she suspected as much. Once when she delivered Matt to me in my hospital bed  to be fed, she said “If you don’t want him, I’ll take him home.” I didn’t respond. 

One night during my hospital stay, I went to the nursery and took Matt out to the room that had rockers for the mothers to bond with their new babies. I was hoping that holding and rocking him would bring out the maternal feelings that had escaped me for the first time. I was taken aback when I looked down at him and as usual, he was wide awake and by the expression on his little face looking up at me, he seemed to be thinking.

My mother whom had the power of ESP proven by many incidences where she foretold precisely future events, predicted that “Matt will be the special one.” She had many grandchildren and this was the first time she had made that prediction about any of them. I came to find out that Matt is indeed special in so many ways we didn’t anticipate. From a very early age, Matt was fascinated with the solar system and I would often find him outside the house looking up at the sky. When I asked him what he was doing, he often said “I’m looking at the stars.” He seemed to be mesmerized.

Stephen Hawking, the world-famous theoretical physicist said “Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up.” 

When Matt was in third grade there was an incident in his class, where he tuned out the teacher’s verbal lesson on match and blurted out from his seat, “You can’t speak in outer space because there isn’t any oxygen.” (I didn’t know that and I bet his teacher didn’t either.)

His educators at the elementary school came to believe that Matt might be retarded, I suppose because he was different from his classmates. They sent him for testing. Turns out they were way off in their assessment. Matt tested as borderline genius. He marches to the tune of his own drummer and that didn’t’ bother me.  I have always encouraged the individuality of my children.

People with Asperger’s Syndrome tend to be very literal. There is no gray area; everything to them is black or white. I’ll never forget the time his pre-first teacher wanted to meet with me. She looked very serious and said that she was very concerned about Matt because of an assignment the children were given. They were told to draw a stick figure of a man. Matt was the only one who drew a stick figure of a man and added a penis. She thought this was alarming, but I thought it was quite humorous. Knowing Matt’s tendency to be literal, I knew this added detail was typical of him.

To support Matt’s interest in astronomy, I bought him a telescope, an optical instrument designed to make distant objects like stars, planets, appear nearer, containing an arrangement of lenses, or of curved mirrors and lenses, by which rays of light are collected and focused and the resulting image magnified. (I learned this when I looked up the definition as I wasn’t sure why he wanted a telescope.) He loved using the instrument and it eventually  inspired in him the desire to paint. This creative outlet relieved his anxiety and is good for his mental health. All of his pastel paintings are renditions of outer space. It occurs to me sometimes to suggest that he paint other topics, but I don’t express that idea as I know that people with Asperger’s Syndrome tend to focus on one area and hence, become very good at it. 

Before the coronavirus hit, a merchant that he frequents agreed to host an art gallery evening for Matt’s work. That didn’t happen because shortly before the date of his art exhibition, as we know, non-essential merchants were shut down. That set back didn’t deter Matt from painting his renditions of outer space and he sold some of the paintings.

I’ve always preached the importance of perseverance to my children, the ability to keep doing something in spite of obstacles. Matt is still painting his favorite topic. When I view some of his paintings he needs to describe to me what he is depicting. He patiently explains and teaches me. He is very humble about his intelligence. The stars continue to inspire him. And I continue to be inspired by the child I didn’t want but came to love dearly.