Tainted walls

1.

A rich smell off tomatoes and fresh basil seeped out the windows onto the street, the gentle sounds of music played into each corner of the house, Friday was always something special; or at least it used to be.

Homemade pasta and garlic bread always as the main attraction, Katherine spending the time from the moment she woke up till dinner in the evening, cooking, and preparing, ensuring everything was ready to go. Throughout the day consuming multiple glasses of red wine, insisting it was all,

“Apart of the process.”

With a spring in her step, the enjoyment you could see in her eyes. A glistening twinge that only appeared when stirring her bubbling and thick pasta sauce or whilst rolling out dough with her strong yet feminine arms.

The bus could not come quick enough on a Friday, Aoife and Fionn pushed through the front door and after a kiss from Mam were sent straight to their rooms while dinner was being finished.

“Get your homework and by the time you have finished up dinner will be ready.”

With the mention of dinner, both flew upstairs. A little trick to get them out of her hair.

Another glass of red was on the way.

2.

Cooking for one less, it should have been easier, but it was not so simple anymore.

A family that was once full was now broken, a bed that once slept two only slept one. A faked Friday happiness. When all she could think of was him and the damage that has now been caused. Gambling away what was theirs not his.

The family table no longer seated a father and Aoife and Fionn could not understand why, where was Dad? Why could he not come for dinner anymore.

“Surely there was enough pasta for him too?”

The sound of the doorbell broke through the music, opening the front door with a soft smile but with grief in her eyes, prepared to put up whatever facade was needed. For the kids.

Overly embracing them both.

“Mum! Dad! How are you? Come in.”

The fakest and shakiest of voices. Drink number 6.

“Katherine darling, it smells delicious. A word before the kids are down?”

“We know how tough it has been for you, I can see it in your face. Have you been sleeping? Please dear come stay with us a while, bring the kids. We want to take care of you. You cannot do this alone. We just want to help you.”

Sprawled over her face an exaggerated smile, “I am fine really! Its better just me and the kids, It is easier cooking for less people anyway. We don’t need him.”

 The subtle attempt at humour did not go over well and only emphasised the harm she was trying to heal.

Sudden thuds appeared from the staircase.

“Grandma! Grandpa!”

Hugging all round, the conversation was put on the back burner. Again.

3.

Showing of all their new toys and gadgets to Grandma and Grandpa, Katherine stepped back into the kitchen, back against the wall she crumbled onto the floor, sitting head in hands, letting our gentle sobs. Covering her mouth to make sure no one could hear.

“He never deserved me”

“Bastard.”

4.

From outside the window, it was perfect, the children sitting as Grandma told them how to hold their knife and fork “correctly.” Laughing at grandpa’s corny jokes.

Slurping up copious amounts of pasta, licking the garlic of their fingers left over from picking up the Mam’s famous garlic bread.

“Why wasn’t Katherine eating? She barely touched her bowl. She kept sipping on wine but only a mouthful or two of food?”

“Maybe I should go in, maybe they wouldn’t mind? The kids would be happy to see me.”

Desperation and paranoia began to play with his mind.

Jerking his head away from the window, fearful that Katherine had turned her eyes towards him, it was okay he thought, he was clearly out of sight. Sitting in the darkness on the old swing set the one he used to push Fionn on when he was just a little tot. Now he was just a ominous shadow in the garden.

Banished by that “bitch.”

So what? He gambled and drank there money away,

“I only hit her once.”

Resentfully fuming at the thought that it used to be his home too, now outside in the cold while she dined like a queen.

“Surely she missed me.”

5.

Placing the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, spending extra-long bending down facing away from her mother, her face beginning to sweat as tears formed in her eyes. The tears burnt her sleep deprived eyes, all they wanted to do was close, yet every time she tried, sleep only seemed further away. The dish washer closed, turning around to see her not standing there anymore. Silently relieved to have avoided another awkward conversation.

Abruptly commotion came from the sitting room,

The words “DAD!” rang from one ear to the other. Frozen behind the door, listening and waiting for more.

Whispering, “please don’t really be here.”

“Oh, my babies, where’s your mother I am starving for some of her Friday pasta.”

The tone was intimidating, he knew she was listening. Katherine remaining frozen at the door shut her eyes and silently hoped for peace. She knew she had to go in. Act like it was fine for the kids. Needing to act like an adult but wishing she could just be a child and run away.

Pushing the door open they locked eyes. Her mother and father standing in the corner ready to intervene at any moment. All Katherine could think to barely mumble was,

“I’ll go fix you a bowl of spaghetti, you wait here.”

“Ah isn’t she a good girl.” Smirking with condescending glee in his eyes.

“I will follow you in there let me just give MY kids another hug.”

Without saying a word Katherine wondered back to the kitchen, with a racing heart and a tight chest, she could feel the panic setting in, trying not to let it consume her.

“Breathe, just breathe, you are okay. You are not alone. He can’t hurt you.” Over and over in her head. The dizziness subsided and she felt balanced once more.

6.

The only divide between them; the dining room table. It had been months, why now?

The tension in the room was rising, and from Greg’s side the aggression and bitterness generated into his thoughts and mind, blurting, 

“I want my house back.”

Noticing he didn’t say “home.”

“I want my life back Greg and without you. You do not really care about us, you never did. It makes me sick thinking about how you were when we found out I was pregnant. You did not want any of this. I have lied to myself and everyone for years, pretending and playing happy family. Knowing your deceitful and lying past and having to put up with your mistreatment.”

“You always were selfish Katherine.”

“Selfish? Selfish when you almost gambled our home away? When I was the only person bringing in any money? Selfish when you cheated on me? When you hit me? When I still cooked your dinner every night when you came home wasted and angry? When you told me you never wanted kids? Selfish then? Get out of my house, I want you gone and out of my life and our kid’s life. For good. And deep-down Greg, deep down I know you want that too.”

Lumping a heaped spoon of spaghetti into a bowl, Katherine slapped it down in front of him.

“This is your last meal here, go eat with your children. You won’t be seeing them for a long time.”

His face that only seconds ago looked hot with anger turned pale and sickly. Like all the dignity he had left his body and what was left standing was a little boy.

The first time Katherine had ever spoken up for herself and her children. It felt damned good.

7.

Left on the table the bowl of spaghetti went cold, the noodles stuck together and three days later it still sat there untouched. Fionn and Aoife went home to Grandma and Grandpa’s that night and since then the wine kept coming and the shower and bed were untouched. The raw emotion and vulnerability Katherine felt kept on her on edge, now truly realising he was gone and not coming back. What she thought would bring her relief only made her insides ache and wonder whether she had done the right thing.

Every time the phone rang, startling her from daydreaming. Something had to give. She needed her babies back. The two people she could rely on and trust not to judge her. Reminding herself with each sip she had not pushed him away, he did that all on his own.

Looking around at the walls, the house exuded so many unpleasant memories ones that could not be thought of with eyes open. As she stood up and walked over to the living room that now looked so tiresome, it was obvious what was needed to be done, to start over with these tainted walls.

8.

Clean cut and egg shell white, the smell of fresh paint was somewhat reassuring. The view of a garden overgrown with flowers and bushes. A swing set just like the one at home. 40 miles away, but it could have been the other side of the world. The house radiated a new opportunity and a new life.

One year on since that bleak Friday night.

Often finding herself thinking about him watching her when cooking the kids dinner at the time thinking it was paranoia, having to persuade herself that it was just her mind getting away with herself

“Katherine, I am home!”

The tone so sweet. The gentle nature of his demeaner, an entirely different person to what had been before. An infectious enthusiasm, finally feeling at peace and safe, in a home where the walls were not tainted by the aggression and intimidation.

At the table the four of them sat, giggling and slurping spaghetti like it was supposed to be.

Only once Greg had seen the children and Katherine this year since he had last been the ominous shadow in the garden and that was in court for the divorce, his lack of interest was tiresome. His toxic nature was better left behind. The little effort was a sigh of relief showing he would leave them alone, no longer needed as a father, nor a husband or friend. Staring at him from across the court room left a feeling of nothingness towards him, the emotion and passion was gone. His absence at Friday dinner would not be missed, best of left as a shadow in the past.