Guilt Under Moonlight

He couldn't sleep again. He lit a cigarette, watching the sun as it rises. He couldn’t help but smile at the memories it brings to the surface. Memories he desperately tried to forget… She used to wake up right before the sun rise, tie her hair and watch the beautiful view from the balcony as she sips her coffee before getting ready for the day. He could imagine it like she was still there, somehow the memory got clearer as he tried to avoid it. It almost felt real; he wanted to hug her again. He even found himself standing up. When did he get out of bed?

After finishing his cigarette, he decided to drive not knowing where to go. When he hopped on the car, he could still hear her enthusiastic voice talking about that project she worked on as she opened the door and placed her handbag. Before, this used to make him chuckle knowing she was probably the only person on earth to be this happy and eager to go to work at 6 am. But as he sat alone in a car smelling like a dead body rather than her perfume, he sank into misery…

Impulsively opening the door, he decided it was a bad idea to drive in this car. There were too many thoughts in his head and his chest felt so heavy.

Taking a walk instead seemed like a better idea. Chilling at the nearby park and doodling always helped with the unpleasant memories. He got his small notebook out of his pocket and started drawing a tree. Trees in autumn were very inspiring yet depressing. The tree he was doodling still had leaves even though all of them were orange. It was the most majestic tree in the park. It gave him a sweet nostalgic feeling to look at but for some reason it got stronger in autumn. He sometimes could watch the tree all day; think about the good old days.

When he looked up from his doodles the park had already gotten more crowded. This made him somewhat uncomfortable; he would rather be alone when thinking. It was time to go. As he walked out of the park he could feel everyone looking down at him with judging eyes. He even turned around to check once or twice, wanting to prove himself it was just his paranoia but what he saw shocked him. He was right, they were watching him! He started to walk faster. While he was at the park gate he turned around one last time to check and he accidentally bumped into a man who glared at him with a slight grin mumbling the words “everyone knows what you are”. He started to walk so fast it was almost running. That man really stressed him out. He started to feel like he was running out of air causing him to breathe heavier.

He tried to calm himself down after he walked far enough from the park. It was a small town, they don’t know anything but the rumors… right? Of course there is no way they really know what happened. Even if they did, they can’t prove anything!

He found himself in a church after trying to avoid everyone he came across as he walked. He didn’t believe in any god but things about religion calmed him down when he was feeling overwhelmed. After all, the possibility of a being that would give him unconditional love was a nice “fantasy” to have. Also he felt a weird relief thinking someday he would get punished for all his sins. Maybe then he could finally have some inner peace…

People in this town tended to be mean to him but the priest was an understanding man who avoided being judgmental. He appreciated it when the priest just let him hang around for a while. He liked the architecture of this church the most. He could spend his whole day just admiring the artistic work in it. He kept wondering if those drawings on the walls were made by a famous artist. He also tried to doodle some of them time to time, fantasizing he made such amazing art himself one day.

While he was distracted by the artwork, the police came in to investigate the disappearance of some townsfolk lately. The detective sat next to him, his energetic aura filled the place. He knew the detective was going to try getting a word out of his mouth so he just left making sure no one was following him. He already gave his testimony, the reason everyone was mean to him lately. It was upsetting to see people whom he knew his whole life did not believe a word he said. He did not expect anyone to believe him anyway, but they blamed him for the tragedy! How could they be so quick to blame a victim?

He realized he was mumbling curses this whole time. And he unintentionally turned back to the car. Something was dragging him to drive… It was almost evening and he gave up. He got on the car, turned on the engine and let his subconscious to take him over.

He was driving on the road that led into the woods. The woods where people had been going missing starting with her disappearance. He started to imagine the last time he saw her. They were going to make a short video in the woods for her project. But then…

He got out of the road because he didn’t pay enough attention. Fortunately, he and the car were fine. On the outside at least… Why was this happening to him? This was the last place he wanted to be! And the sun was setting. It was a mistake to follow that urge. But it seemed that the car was stuck. Just great!

This place was overwhelming for him. If he would call the moment he bumped that man in the park bad, this moment was just horrible! For some reason, he desperately had to find that lake. He knew it was only going to make him feel worse but he just had to.

It was hard to figure out where he was because of the dark but he managed thanks to his phone’s light. He found that damn lake. The place looked the same, why did he even expect a forest to change?

He got closer to the lake hesitantly. But when he saw the moon reflecting off of it his chest felt so heavy that he fell onto his knees like the tears that fell down his cheeks. The guilt surrounded his whole body; he could neither move nor take his eyes off of the moon’s reflection. It was too similar to the night she died.

He had to. He did not have a choice. It was either him or her! That odious man at the park forced him!

No matter how much he tried to justify it, deep down he always craved forgiveness. When he realized he couldn’t justify it anymore he started to punch the dirt. It didn’t matter if he was forced or not, she was not going to come back. The moon’s reflection brought the most uncomfortable memories yet it was soothing. He spent the whole night watching it and when it was finally morning he felt like a new and stronger man.

~END~