How to Say Goodbye

“I need you to be the one to lay me down,” Fiona told her brother. The two hadn’t seen each other in a long time, and in fact, Paul was the one that said he never wanted to see her again. He was confused, so she entered his apartment. “What?” was all he could say. Fiona started making herself a cup of coffee as Paul was trying to figure everything out. “Paul,” Fiona began, “it begins tomorrow. This is my last day.” Paul zoned out as Fiona was shaking her sugar packet. As she was pouring it in, he stopped her. “It can’t be today.” Fiona sighed. 

“Yes Paul. It’s today. I’m hugging Mom and Dad tonight, but you need to be the one to lay me down.” Paul walked back and forth, practically giving his bare feet rug burn. Fiona sat on a chair and waited for him to recompose himself. Minutes passed, and she grew impatient. “Paul, I don’t have all day. Will you please just talk to me?” 

Paul sat down. “Fiona… I didn’t know you still…” He sighed. “Why didn’t you pick Mom or Dad for all day today? Why me? Why did you pick me?” Fiona grabbed his hand. “Mom and Dad needed me to make things right before I lay down. It’s important for them.” Paul broke free. “No,” he began. “I told you I never wanted to see you again. Not after what happened.” 

Fiona jumped up and started getting furious. “Paul, I was ten! Why haven’t you forgiven me yet?” She tried to remember that day over and over again, but she didn’t see anything wrong in what she did. Paul was the one that screwed everything up. “If you didn’t sneak out, nothing would have happened. You need to stop blaming me for that.” Paul threw a pillow at her, but Fiona ducked out of the way. “Is that why you need me, Fiona? Because you know I won’t hesitate to put you under?” Fiona stood in front of her brother. “YES! You are the ONLY one that would do it.” 

The two of them backed away. Paul thought about it. If he does this, he truly won’t have to see her. I mean, how many people can say that they laid someone down? “Fine,” he started. “I need a few minutes to change, but I’ll spend the day with you.”

After Paul changed, he and Fiona went into her car. It was a long drive, but it was kept busy by the inspirational pop/folk music Fiona loves so much. Not that it was bad, but it wasn’t his taste. There was also nothing he could do about it. Every day was about Fiona, and today is especially all about what Fiona wants. It drove him insane to be her older brother. After driving for about an hour through the back roads, they stop at a red light. Paul sighs. “Where are we going?” Fiona smiles. “You’ll see.” Paul hated the games she would play. They were quiet the entire way. 

Eventually, they got to a house in the middle of the woods. While Paul hasn’t been there in a while, he remembered it. “Why are we here?” Fiona got out of the car and opened the lock. “Fiona, we aren’t supposed to be here.” Fiona opened the door, and she and Paul walked into the old family cabin. Fiona took a deep breath in. “I needed to come back here just one last time.” She went through a door and entered the old bedroom. The mattresses were chewed up, and the wood wasn’t in the best shape. “Fiona, it’s unsafe. We are leaving.” He starts to head out, but stops when he sees her stay behind. He walked back and saw that she was crying. “I remember when I was five. We had to share this room together, and you hated it. I thought you just wanted to space out.” Fiona took in a deep breath before she continued. “I realize now that you just hated me.” Paul stood next to her. “I didn’t hate you. I was twelve and had to share a room with my kid sister… especially my kid sister that made me play dolls with her.” Fiona laughed. “I also remember roasting smores every summer.” Paul laughed too. “Yeah,” he continued, “well, I remember coming down here when…” He stopped. Fiona kept looking at him. He refused to make eye contact with her, and she could feel why. “Paul, I need you-” Paul started walking back out towards the car. Fiona took one last look around before heading back in the car. 

The two kept quiet again as they went to the next location. This time, Paul didn’t dare ask where they were heading off to. He pulled his hoodie over his eyes and fell asleep to the folk music blasting through the car stereo. 

Paul woke up to Fiona poking him in the side. He slides out of the car and sees that they are at the aquarium. “You know I hate it here.” It’s true. Paul hated most things Fiona loves, such as the aquarium. The only redeeming quality was the gift shop, and he could guarantee that they were not here for that. As they approached the gate, it was clear Paul would have to pay for their admission. It was fine when Fiona was young, but everything was much more expensive as an adult. 

Paul watched his sister become alive as they walked in. She immediately brought him over to the seals. “Remember when we used to feed them? Oh come on! Admit it, Paul. You loved doing that.” Paul sighed. “No, I didn’t. You loved watching me do it.” Fiona thought about it long and hard, and she always remembered him being enthusiastic about the seal feeding. She didn’t remember him hating the experience. Although, that could explain why he stopped eating fish for a while. “I’m sorry, Paul. I thought you loved it. My bad.” Paul could see his sister getting depressed, and he knew that he would never hear the end of it if her last day ended as bad as it was going to. Paul called over one of the workers, and after a long debate, he got them to let the two of them feed the seals. Fiona’s smile came back. “How did you manage this?” Paul decided to be honest. “I told them I would write a nice donation to their rescue division.” As Paul disgustingly threw in a fish, Fiona hugged him. Paul was taken aback, but he let her hug him. He hugged her back. A seal popped out of the water and stole Fiona’s cup. The two of them just started laughing. 

On the car ride to the third location, Paul decided to talk. “How long are you being laid down for?” Fiona sighed. She knew that this question would come up, and she did not want to answer it. “Well… it’s complicated.” She pulled over on the side of the road, and Paul immediately knew it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. “Well… the doctors thought I would need a couple months in the unit. Then, it was a year. That’s the last you heard, right?” Paul nodded. He knew Fiona had a lot of health issues, and he knew that it might be short while before she popped out of her stasis stage. “Well… now they aren’t sure.” Paul’s heart sank. “What do you mean?”

Fiona gulped. “The doctors think it’s going to be at least fifty years.” 

Paul opened the door and walked out. Fiona followed him. He broke down and began sobbing. Fiona tried to reach out, but Paul fell to the ground. He couldn’t control himself. Fiona sat down next to him and let him cry. She thought about all the times Paul did this for her, and now it was time to repay the favor. 

Eventually, he put himself back together. “So this is it? This is goodbye?” Fiona hugged him. “You might be alive when I get out, but our parents won’t.” Paul thought about everything. “Why wouldn’t you die now? Why be stuck for fifty years until the doctors can cure you?” Fiona sighed. “When the meteor hit years ago, I knew I wouldn’t live past twenty-five. Every doctor said that there was too much radiation.” Paul remembered the day the meteor crashed into the cabin. Everyone was out of there but Fiona. That’s when everything went wrong… Fiona saw that Paul was processing everything, so she took a moment before continuing. “Well, now that I am twenty, I know that there’s so much I still have to do. The doctor’s say that this is my best chance of surviving.”

Paul was furious. “But we won’t get to see you again.”

Fiona stood up. “I’m only alive because the doctors were right about everything until this point. Mom and Dad are okay with it. Why aren’t you?”

“Why did you tell Mom and Dad?”

Fiona was stunned. “I told them you went to get firewood. They didn’t believe me.” 

Paul remembered what happened ten years ago. He told Fiona that he was going to see one of his friends, and he made sure to tell her to tell their parents he was getting firewood. He walked down the path and ran into his boyfriend, David. He brought Paul a bottle of wine and they drank it by a lake. They started kissing, and then David began undoing Paul’s bra. That’s when Paul and Fiona’s parents found them. Paul, coming back to reality, decided to speak up. “You knew that I couldn’t tell them about David.” 

Fiona was furious. “I didn’t tell them about David, and I certainly didn’t tell them about you being trans! They figured all of that on their own.”

Paul stood up. “Really? Because when I was escorted back to our cabin, they told you to go inside. They asked me if I had something to tell them, and they knew it from you. I shouldn’t have tried to trust a ten year-old with that information.” Fiona calmed down. “Paul, they didn’t send me into the cabin because I told them. They sent me into the cabin so they could have an adult conversation with you. At the end of the day, you snuck out to meet your boyfriend, and when they asked for a story, you told them all about your boyfriend and how you wanted to start going by Paul. Guess what? They were going to tell you they loved you and accepted you... Or at least they were going to until the meteor came down and nearly killed me.” 

Paul had no idea they were going to tell him then and there. It took them a few years before they were able to say it. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” Fiona sighed. “I tried. Remember? You left for college and never spoke to me again. You raised money for your own binders and hormones, and you never wrote back to me.” She got closer to Paul. “I was your own sister. I don’t know how you could hate me for almost ten years because of that. I loved you.”

Fiona began walking back to the car. Paul followed her and hugged her from behind. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I never said anything. I guess I never will, but I will keep regretting that decision forever. I am a horrible person.” Fiona stopped him. “You are, but I didn’t bring you all the way out here for this kind of conversation, okay? I didn’t invade your personal space so you can apologize. I wanted you to know that in spite of all of that, I forgive you. I love you, Paul. I don’t want you to stop living because of the closure I wanted.” 

That night, they had dinner at their parents’ house. They ate Fiona’s favorite meal, and even gave her a recipe for when she came out of stasis. They couldn’t bear to go with her. When they left, they saw their parents crying. Fiona drove Paul back to his apartment, and he didn’t get out of the car. “Why don’t I stay with you tonight? I’m sure David won’t mind.” As they drove to Fiona’s hotel room, Paul was filled in on all of Fiona’s experiences in high school. In return, Fiona asked about Paul’s business and how he and David were since Paul’s transition. Then, Paul said something he never thought he would say. “Fiona… I can’t lay you down.”

“I know,” she started, “I asked the doctors after we got to Mom and Dad’s.” Paul started getting teary eyed. Fiona continued. “I knew you couldn’t say bye to me, and I needed someone that could follow through. The doctors will be here to pick me up with my things, and they will drive me to the lab.” Paul started crying again, and the two siblings hugged. Paul spoke up. “Can you do me one favor? I promise I will forgive myself and I promise I will live a life you would be proud of, but I need you to do something.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t say goodbye to me before you go. Just do it. It’s going to be easier on both of us.”

Night fell, and when Paul woke up, he not only realized he had to pay for the hotel room, but Fiona was gone. In his hoodie, he found a note from her. It was everything she had to say to him, and he broke down. He read that whole letter, in which Fiona said she left the car to Paul, her dog is already with other friends, and Fiona wrote about other things she will miss. Why? The letter ended with “When I see you in fifty years, I want a big party with you, your spouse, your kids, and your grandkids. I want my favorite music and food, and I want nothing but joy. Don’t forget to take your kids to feed the seals for me. I know you hate it, but I would take them if I could.” 

The very last words were “I love you. Have a wonderful life, and I will see you when I wake.”