The Party

    "Why did I agree to go to the party?" Lani cringed to herself, full of regret. Holding up outfit after outfit she tossed them all on the bed in the rejection pile.

    What good would it do to go, she continued to lament? I won't know anyone there. Being an introvert, she knew casual banter did not come easily to her. In fact, she was downright awkward in social situations. This party would be a disaster.

    "You need to get out more," her friend, Terri had suggested. "You're living like a hermit. It's been over two months since Jack left."

    "I'm fine," Lani tried to assure her, but her oily hair and wrinkled clothes told a different story.

    Terri persisted until Lani promised she'd give the party a try.

    "Give it an hour at least and eat something good while you're at it," Terri insisted. "You won't be sorry, I promise."

    Lani doubted that, but finally decided on an outfit. She held the bright pink blouse up in the mirror, hoping the festive top would somehow infuse her spirit.

     The cool, crisp November air greeted her when she stepped out. The holidays would soon be upon them, and there would be even more social obligations. Lani felt overwhelmed at the thought. When was the last time she'd been out on a Friday night? 

    The crowded subway seemed to swallow her. She was just another busy ant running to and from without making any eye contact. It was like she was invisible. She was jostled onto the metro - held in place by strangers, who were on their phones or tablets. They did not acknowledge her as they folded in around her, pressing against her before the door closed.

    Lani held onto the rail tightly, wondering why she was here. Certainly, her cozy couch with the warm flicker from the television was more welcoming.

    The subway doors opened with a whoosh and Lani spilled out onto the platform, relief washing from her. She contemplated turning around but the crowded car gave her pause, so she continued to her exit.

     It was her annual book club holiday party, but Lani hadn't attended any of the recent meetings. In fact, she hadn't read the books either. It'd been at least six months since she'd last gone. It turns out she'd been withdrawing even before Jack left. Had her spiraling out social life pushed him away? Ever since her mother's death, she'd been on a downward cycle. How did one just get over such a loss? She was anchorless now. Jack still had both his parents, and he didn't seem to understand her loss.

     Lani hustled down the busy street regretting her heels which tap tapped on the sidewalk and pinched her feet. Think better thoughts her mother used to say, so she shook her head to clear the cobweb of memories.

    The old townhouse cast light from every window. It said a party was going on here. Lani walked up the wide brick stairs and knocked on the door before she could turn tail and run.

    "Hey, Lani! Glad you could make it," Sari said, stepping back to let her in. Sari's long, dark hair cascaded to her waist and her red dress made her dark eyes pop. Immediately Lani felt under dressed and mousy next to her.

    "Thanks for inviting me," Lani said, entering the bright hallway, which spilled into a crowded living room. There were women everywhere engaging in conversation and chatting like old friends. Lani's heart started jumping in her chest. The group of bright women rattled her. What would she have in common?

    "Make yourself at home," Sari told her. "Wine?"

    "Sure," Lani answered, hoping the drink would give her courage.

    Lani stood on the outskirts of the party wondering where to go. She only recognized one or two women, who she didn't know well. Sipping her wine, she sidled up to a cluster of women and eaves dropped, hoping to fall in with them. They smiled and let her in but they seemed in deep conversation and didn't really include her so she eased back out of the group and headed for the food. She tried to look relaxed and at ease on her own but she felt like an outsider. Her awkward high school years came to mind. It was so much easier to be a part of a couple; she hadn't socialized alone for two years.

    "Hi! I'm Brenda," a woman introduced herself, as Lani was loading up a plate. Had she taken too much food she wondered?

    "Lani," she said, adding another cookie. The woman was short and busty with big, blonde hair and a friendly smile.

    "I haven't seen you in a while," Brenda said. Lani didn't remember ever meeting her.

    "I wanted to tell you how sorry I was about your mother. I lost my mom last year."

    Lani froze. How did this woman know about her mom? She couldn't deal with this right now. Lani realized she must have used the excuse of her mother's passing to get out of the book club meetings. The sympathy on Brenda's face brought tears to her eyes. She couldn't have a breakdown here in the middle of a party.

    "Thank you," Lani muttered, setting down her plate. She had to get out of here! "I've got to go," she mumbled.

    Sensing her emotion, Brenda quickly handed her a card. "Please call me if you want to talk. It helps," she added, concern written on her face.

    Lani tucked the card in her purse and made some excuse to leave. Her coat wasn't even on all the way before she rushed outside, taking huge gulps of air. A sob escaped as she ran down the street with tears streaming down her face. Her last thought was the concern on Sari and Brenda's face as she ran down the steps. They stood at the open door calling her.

    The party had been a bad idea. She was safer at home where no one would judge her or say kind words of sympathy that brought all the emotion back.

    Passengers stared at her like her tears made her crazy or something. They gave her a wide berth on the metro and she sat alone all the way to her stop. She tried to smother her cries but she couldn't stop from shaking. Lani shuddered with grief regretting ever venturing out. She'd never felt so alone.

    Once she was safe, back in her empty apartment, she collapsed onto the couch and rocked herself to sleep.

    Lani had been trying to navigate a world without her mother for six months, but it wasn't getting any easier. The next morning, she woke with a mascara stained face and puffy eyes. She didn't have the strength to wash if off. She felt emotionally exhausted. Her despair had chased Jack away and now she'd freaked out the book club. She couldn't go back after this. Something needed to change.

    The next week, Lani continued to isolate herself in front of the television after work. This would be the first Thanksgiving without her mother, and her brother lived across the country, so she wouldn't be seeing him. He was busy with his own life and truthfully, they'd never been close; he was much older than her.

     Work was all talk of the holidays and Lani couldn't summon up any enthusiasm for them.

    Terri tried to insist she come for Thanksgiving and wouldn't take no for an answer, when Lani lost her temper and said some things she shouldn't have. She regretted it immediately and tried to apologize, but Terri was hurt and made an excuse to get off the phone.

    Lani was as alone as she'd ever been, and she didn't know how to get out of this rut. The couch called to her and it was so much easier than having to pretend she was okay. 

    When Lani let herself into her apartment the next day after work, she didn't think she could take another night alone. Suddenly, filled with rage, she threw her purse across the room where the contents spilled, scattering across the floor.

    She let out a rip-roaring scream then burst into tears. Getting down on her hands and knees she began picking up the scattered items from her purse while tears streamed down her face and puddled on the hardwood floor. Reaching under the coffee table for some random papers, she picked up a business card. Brenda Sanders, LCSW it read. Lani looked at it puzzled a moment before she remembered Brenda from the book club handing her a card. She sat back on her heels and studied it. Counseling services. Was this the universe telling her to get herself together? Before she could change her mind, Lani dialed the number. It was after six o'clock so she didn't expect anyone to answer, so she was caught off guard when someone did.

    "Hello?" Lani stuttered after an awkward pause.

    "Hi, can I help you?"

    "I was looking for Brenda Sanders?"

    "This is Brenda. How can I help you?"

    "Hi, it's Lani, from the book club."

    "Lani! I'm so glad you called," Brenda said. "I want to apologize for the way I approached you at the party. Sometimes I am too blunt. How are you doing?"

    "Not good really," Lani told her truthfully, wiping away her tear stained cheeks.

    "Well, I'm glad you called then. Would you like to come over for coffee? No one is here but me and Riley, my golden retriever."

    "I don't know," Lani hesitated, not sure she was ready to commit to something and open herself up like that.

    "We can sit and not talk. Just two friends getting together. I've been through this with my mother and I know how hard it is. But it does get easier, especially if you let friends help."

    "Coffee sounds good," Lani finally relented.

    "Great! I'll text you my address. See you soon."

    Dreading the crowded subway, Lani called an Uber instead, realizing she hadn't eaten dinner. Suddenly she was starving so she stopped at her favorite bakery for some treats.

    Brenda lived just out of the city in the suburbs. The warm glow of the lights from her house were comforting as she knocked on the door. A loud bark erupted and Brenda answered the door shushing her eager dog whose tail wagged like a tree branch in a storm.

    "I brought some goodies," Lani said, holding up her bag. "I want to apologize for running out the other night. I haven't been fit company lately."

    "Nothing to apologize for but I'll happily take a treat," Brenda said, shooing Riley out of the way and leading the way to the kitchen. "Coffee is fresh. Please have a seat."

    It was a tidy, but lived-in kitchen with rooster Knick knacks everywhere. As soon as she slid into a chair, Riley placed his head in her lap and looked longingly at her bag.

    "Sorry. Riley no," Brenda commanded, tugging on his collar. The fluffy, blonde retriever then plopped at Lani's feet. 

    "He's such a sweet dog," Lani said, reaching down to pet him. "I haven't had a dog since I was a teenager."

    "He's been my lifesaver," Brenda told her, as she poured coffee. "After my mother passed I was so lonely and lost. I went to volunteer at an animal shelter then I found Riley. Or I should say Riley found me. You're good company, aren't you?" she said, as Riley's big doe eyes looked on adoringly.

    Sitting in her cozy kitchen drinking coffee and eating pastries, Lani felt comforted. Brenda was easy to talk to and Lani found herself confiding in her about everything, including Jack's departure and her part in it.

    "This has helped," Lani confessed after some time. "Thank you."

    "I'm glad. Now make it right with your friend," Brenda suggested. "Surrounding yourself with friends at Thanksgiving will be good."

    "And now you've got me considering a dog," Lani smiled, as Riley's head perked up.

    "Coming home to such a happy Wigglebutt goes a long way to easing the loneliness."

    "Thanks for the company," Lani said, on her way out.

    "My pleasure, Lani," Brenda said, giving her a hug.

    Tears sprang to her eyes at the gesture, but this time they were grateful tears. As she went home that night she imagined what it would be like to come home to a dog who greeted her with so much enthusiasm. It was time to make a change and for the first time since her mom had died, Lani felt a glimmer of hope.