Iron

Trigger warning: self-harm

      Miriam put the cold, jagged metal against her pale skin. She held it vertically against her slim wrist and tried to insert the metal into her flesh, but her hand wouldn’t budge. God, why did she have to be such a chicken?

           Every ounce of Miriam wanted to put her useless body six feet underground and have her consciousness shifted into a place of utter oblivion. But for some reason, unbeknownst to her, she was not able to complete this final task. What even led up to this moment?

           The nuclear blast came as a shock. Absolutely no one was prepared for its impact, and to Miriam’s knowledge, it killed everyone. Except for her. Miriam didn’t know who’s fault the blast was, and to be completely honest, she didn’t care. Miriam was a bank teller in what she saw as her past life. She was known for often sneaking down to the underground vault during her breaks. She didn’t care much for interactions among her coworkers. The social contract was something Miriam did not subscribe to.

           Some saw Miriam as a loner, and she was perfectly fine with that title. It fit her like a glove, and she absorbed it into her identity. She was never particularly interested in friendships or boyfriends, and not many people understood this about her. It seemed that Miriam was the universe’s perfect choice to be the last person alive. If anyone could survive eternal isolation it would be Miriam, after all.

           So, why was Miriam attempting to take her own life? Miriam is stubborn, so she might say it had something to do with her lack of purpose. Perhaps it was the traumatic horror of the blast. Or maybe it was because her family was dead. But what Miriam would never admit was that maybe, just maybe, her suicidal ideation arose out of loneliness.

           She had suffered an unbearable one month after the blast. Time stood still, and every day was more excruciating than the last. There was nothing to do, and no one to see. Even Miriam wasn’t immune to this fact. Living such a useless life began to take a toll on her, and she found herself praying to a god she didn’t believe in.

           “If anyone is out there, please let someone else be here,” she begged.

           Again, she would never admit to praying, let alone praying about her desolate planet having another living body on it.

           Miriam looked at her surroundings. One tattered gray wall remained, and against it is where she shoved her severely damaged and dusty mattress. It wasn’t comfortable, by any means, but it got the job done. There were much worse things about Miriam’s situation that she’d rather complain about. In front of her mattress was her stockpile of food. It surprisingly was not too terribly difficult for her to find food. Miriam had kept a collection of canned goods in her basement, and there was enough to last her a few months. That was an approximation. Miriam didn’t care enough about her life to count her food or ration it. She just figured she’d run out when she ran out.

           With a shaking hand, she set down the piece of metal.

           “Maybe tomorrow,” she whispered to herself. That idea comforted her.

           Resigned to the fact that she would have to live another day of her pointless life thanks to her lack of dedication, Miriam laid herself down on the mattress and fell fast asleep.

           When she was once again conscious, Miriam felt a warm gush of air glide across her cold neck. She instantly flickered her eyes open, and her jaw dropped.

           A real human being was looming over her.

           “Who the hell are you?” She asked hurriedly, while rapidly sitting up on her mattress.

           “Are you real?” the man asked with a shocked expression on his face.

           Miriam noticed the man had debris all over his clothes, as well as dirt caked on his face. Without access to a mirror, she wondered if she looked just as grimy. The man had short black hair and green eyes. He was of short stature but still had a slim build. He was wearing a torn blue and green flannel, black pants, and boots.

           “Of course, I’m real. What a silly question!” Miriam didn’t understand the man’s slow processing skills.

           At this moment, Miriam remembered her prayer from yesterday. Was there really a god who answered prayers? Perhaps. What Miriam did know for sure, however, was her secret joy she felt when looking at this man.

           “What’s your name?” she asked.

           “James. And you?”

           “Miriam.”

           “Charmed,” James said as he stuck out a soiled hand. Apprehensively, Miriam grasped his hand and shook it.

           “I can’t believe someone else is alive,” Miriam said out loud by accident.

           “Ditto. How did you manage to survive the blast in the first place?”

           “I was a bank teller, and I was in the bank vault when it happened.”

           “Ah. I had a bunker. I guess you could call me a doomsday prepper of sorts. I wasn’t expecting the blast or anything. I just happened to be restocking my food supply at the perfect time. Divine intervention if you ask me.” James said.

           Miriam questioned the idea of there being a divine intervention.

           “I’m still just in shock. I mean, I’m glad you’re here and all, but I’m honestly at a loss for words,” said Miriam.

           “Well, I know we just met, but I can’t believe someone else is here. Do you think we could maybe go for a stroll?” James asked.

           It was forward, but again, Miriam refused to follow a social contract. She slowly nodded her head, and the pair walked out into the barren world.

           “It’s amazing that I was walking and just stumbled across you. You’re like my own personal miracle,” James said excitedly. Part of Miriam mirrored these exact thoughts, but she would never be caught saying them out loud.

           “He must be an extrovert,” she thought to herself. She shuddered at the notion.

           Her only response was a nod.

           “So, how have you been feeling? Like, mentally,” he questioned.

           Suddenly, Miriam felt interrogated. She didn’t like James trying to insert himself into her personal affairs. After all, Miriam had always been a private person. Not to mention, she had known James for only a few moments.

           “I’ve been fine,” she said shortly, “And how have you been?”

           “I’ve actually been doing amazing. I’ve missed having company, but overall, I’m just so ecstatic to be alive.”

           Miriam despised people when they used the word ‘actually’. Plus, James almost seemed to be bragging. Whether or not he really was didn’t matter. Miriam just knew she felt the complete opposite. But she wouldn’t say that.

           Instead, she just asked, “How are you staying so positive?”

           “I’m glad you asked. In my opinion, it’s all about positive nihilism.”

           “What do you mean by that?”

           “Well, before the incident I didn’t really believe that anything mattered. I guess I still believe that. But part of me wonders if maybe I survived for a reason. I honestly still believe the world doesn’t have much rhyme or reason, but now, I wake up every day and give myself my own purpose.”

           At this point, Miriam was really beginning to dislike James. She never respected people who indulged their own delusions to make themselves feel better. Just because James was the last person on Earth didn’t mean she would give him a free pass.

           “I don’t think there’s any purpose left for us to make for ourselves, James,” she said, “I understand you’re trying to make yourself feel better about this situation, but it’s kind of pointless, don’t you think?”

           “I beg to differ. There’s nothing wrong with staying positive. I’m not trying to trick myself into happiness, because I don’t need to. I’m happy enough on my own. After all, don’t we have so much to be grateful for?”

           “James, a nuclear blast killed everyone we know, and there’s nothing left. No purpose. Nothing to look forward to. I think you’re fooling yourself.”

           “I understand your position, but just because you’re a negative person doesn’t mean you need to project your issues onto me.”

           “I’m not negative. I’m just realistic,” she said with a more aggressive tone than she meant.

           “I disagree. Clearly, you have some issues you need to work through, and I sincerely hope you get them sorted out.”

           “That’s incredibly rude, and I’m done dignifying this with a conversation. Can we just change topics, please?”

           After that tense exchange, the pair walked on for a couple more hours and spoke about their past lives. When life was normal. Finally, the sun was becoming unbearable, and so was walking. It appeared that a natural conclusion to this meeting had surfaced.

           When the two made it back to Miriam’s dwelling, James asked, “Could I see you again tomorrow?”

           To this, Miriam said yes, against her better judgment. She watched James walk away until he disappeared from her line of vision.

           Miriam let out an exhausted sigh and plopped down on the mattress. Miriam admitted to herself that she was previously lonely, but maybe the loneliness wasn’t about people at all. How come when things were normal, she was perfectly content not seeing anyone? She came to the conclusion that her loneliness was more about maintaining control. Before she found James, she wanted the option to speak to someone if she desired. But now, she realized she just didn’t care for interactions. Even now. Even when James may be the last chance she had left at maintaining some sense of normalcy.  A glimmer of silver caught the corner of her eye at this moment. She peered down at her feet, and adjacent to her right foot was the piece of metal. She knew at that moment that James wasn’t enough to supply her with a will to keep living this shell of a life. In every sense of the word, she just wanted to be alone.

           She swiftly grabbed the piece of metal and dragged it down her wrist.