The Beat of My Heart

It was a gloomy, dark day in November, the leaves had almost entirely left their homes, trees were barren under the steel sky, which looked like it would remain that way forever. The house at the end of the village seemed lonely, and empty, like it was weeping for a new owner, but no one lived here for decades. As I parked my car in front of it, I couldn't help but think about the warmth it had 30 years ago, when my grandparents were still alive and I was only a small child so thrilled to spend time with them. The former yellow walls and brightly white window frames became now just a plain grey, which brought about a kind of sadness, a mixture of nostalgia and grief. My mother was supposed to come with me to clean out the house so that we could sell it, but I knew how hard it would be for her to see all these memories and then to have to give them up all over again, especially since her brother decided to sell the house, so I decided to do it all alone - not knowing what I would find hidden nor where this short trip out of the city would eventually take me. 

After a few hours of cleaning and packing everything but the furniture in boxes, I was done with the ground floor and was ready to head up the stairs to the attic. Just like any old attic it was full of dust, spider webs, and boxes of old things, my mother's and uncle's wardrobe and toys when they were children and young adults, my grandparent's wardrobe, and so on, but what really caught my attention while I was looking through the box of my grandmother's wardrobe was a strange photograph. There was a young white woman dressed as a Native American, wearing a short skirt with a leather belt which was decorated with feathers, the top piece was bikini-like with beads, both of an earthly brown colour and on her head she even wore a headpiece with feathers, if her skin wasn't so pale, you would have mistaken her for a native American. Next to her was a real native American man, at the time I couldn't tell if it was north or south, which was playing a drum, both of them smiling like it was the happiest of occasions. Behind them, you could only see a brightly green forest. "Who could be this woman?", I thought to myself, "I never heard of anyone from my family having visited any native American tribe, especially not travelling to the other side of the world and especially not being so friendly with them.”

While driving home, I couldn't stop thinking about that mysterious photograph, but something inside of me moved, like a part of me started to awaken from this slump I caught myself in - the work that wasn't fulfilling me, this city that felt more like a cage than so-called security, but also an intuitive sense that there was something hidden from my family's past. I needed to find out who that woman was, so I called my mother as soon as I got to my apartment. It turned out that that woman was indeed my grandmother, who travelled to a native tribe in South America, while my mother was still a child, and who actually was much more interesting than I ever thought since this discussion about her wild spirit never came up. I always thought that everything I could ever want was just to be normal, to blend in and live an average life, somehow I never thought I was worthy enough to let myself be free, but after starting to unravel this inner call for freedom, things began to move in a new direction…

I started to research and read about many different spiritual paths and also to practice some of the techniques that were suggested, and all of it felt like emerging from a deep sleep and like my passion for life was finally starting to wake up. After reading about many different traditions, there was one thing they all had in common and that was - drums! All of them had certain rituals which involved dancing and playing drums, but also invoking the flow of free movement - which was also something that was missing from my life, everything started to become rigid and solid since I became an adult, like I was living in a box of my own mind: no time to play and explore, just work, to-do lists, chores and so on. So I started thinking about what is the connection between freedom and the heart. The creativity has to come from the heart, not the head, and therefore the freedom I was searching for had to manifest itself from this creativity and not rational thinking. After this realization everything started to flow more easily, I noticed myself starting to get lighter and ready to shine a light on this forgotten curious, playful part of myself, which I missed so much. Everything else was just a mask I put on, trying to hide from the world, hoping other people would accept me if I blended in and ultimately just trying to survive in this world - but wait a minute, is that really the point, just to survive?

The most wonderful surprise was that my boyfriend Lyon had felt the same way as me for years: he wasn't satisfied with the average life and was ready to make some changes as well… At this point, I had no intention to continue working my 9-5 job and continue to dumb myself down, so I quit, I was ready to take a leap of faith, not knowing in the slightest where that would take me…

Two years prior to this event, one of my friends went to live in Rio de Janeiro Brazil and at that time I thought that we would probably not be seeing each other anytime soon, but I did not understand that she followed her heart to that city and with a very good reason, it led her to meet her soulmate.

So, as beautiful and intelligent as this wonderful Universe is, she reached out to me one day around this time and I could finally understand (at least a little bit) what she was talking about when mentioning synchronicities, our deepest desires, the True Reality and being connected to your Self. She invited me and Lyon to come visit her and her husband and without thinking, I immediately agreed. It was just the adventure I needed to widen my worldviews and wake up my passion for life and of course, Lyon was on board since his job did not require him to be present in person all the time.

After a 17-hour flight and some turbulence over the Atlantic Ocean, which was also the first time I flew over the ocean and experienced this sort of turbulence, we arrived at the airport at five in the morning, at the perfect time to witness the birth of a new day, the soft pale blue of the sky and the inhabitants starting their days.

“What a day!”, I thought to myself as I saw my dear friend Sara approaching.

“Welcome to the liveliest city in the world!”, she greeted us.

I must say that Rio made her spark. She was always a cheerful person, always my go-to friend, full of wisdom and understanding, but now she had this strength and clarity like a shimmering aura around her. I was very curious to see where this trip would take us…

She and her husband Gabriel were living in a two-bedroom apartment near the centre of the city, so they had a guest room which was perfect for the two of us with a view of Mount Corcovado, it was nothing less than spectacular - and especially the statue of Christ the Redeemer, which was on top watching over the city like it's very own guardian. The salty air from the sea was stimulating all my senses and I started to feel like there was a well of endless creativity that wanted to be brought to life through me. Of course, we were a little jet-lagged the first few days, since it was also our first time leaving Europe and we needed a little time to get accustomed to the new continent, climate and general mood of this particular city. After a few days, I started to understand the vibes of the city, compared to our European cities people seemed to be freer, more in tune with their bodies, their intuition and their heart's desires - or maybe those were just the kind of people that were hanging around Sara, since she was exactly that type of person: no pressure to be or act a certain way, she was always flowing with life and did what felt natural to her. After showing her the picture of my grandmother and the drummer, she said instantly:

“Wow! This man is from the Guarani tribe and they were also once located near Rio, but now they live mostly in Paraguay… Who knew you had such a cool grandmother?”

“Right? But hmm, I feel like there was something more I needed to discover. How would you connect the drum to spirituality?”

"Well, there can only be one answer: the heart. Just like we tend to synchronize to the sound of a drum, we move to the rhythm of it, so does the beat of our heart bring all our cells and organs into alignment - and on a higher level, we also move mountains in this exact way, from our heart's desire. What other explanation is there, that you and Lyon are here now?"

She was my greatest teacher at that time, so it's no wonder that it was her idea to do a cacao ceremony. I can not name one exact experience that was the most important from this trip, but if I had to, it would be this one.

The four of us gathered on a secluded spot at the beach, brought candles and incense, and of course, lit a nice fire to sit around, it was dusk and the sky was coloured with many shades of red, orange, pink and blue - merging until all colours disappeared and the first stars started to shine. Gabriel told us:

"The most important thing is to express gratitude - to the cacao, to the Earth, the farmers and ultimately to ourselves for having the courage to open up. It's about dropping down into the heart and feeling what it wants to feel."

A few moments later, Sara continued:

"Now set your intentions, what do you truly want from this ceremony and also after? More peace? Passion? To live your inner calling? It can be whatever you need the most."

My intention was definitely to wake up my joy and passion for life. Gabriel guided us through a breathing exercise before taking the first sip. It was very different from drinking a normal hot cacao or coffee, the soft, sweet flavour spread through my whole body, like a wave of joy and I felt the enormous unconditional love Mother Earth has for all her children and how our bodies are made of all the elements that are present on this planet and in the Universe as well. The Oneness slowly melted away my beliefs about not being worthy enough to live my calling and for the first time it was so logical - if I originated from this Oneness, then there is nothing else to be made out of, which guarantees worthiness! Even my fears, not feeling worthy to express myself, the scars of being rejected in the past by other people, all of them can be melted away and into this all-encompassing Unconditional Love. This beautiful dance of Light and Dark was just hiding the most obvious thing in the world, yet hidden in plain sight, there is nothing else but Consciousness!

Looking at Lyon I saw the most beautiful smile on his face and I couldn’t wait to share all of this with him and to hear his experience, but now it was time for the third part of the ceremony - reciprocity.

“Now think about one thing you can do to give back to the Earth, to light up the world and show gratitude to our magnificent Planet and everything she has done for us.”, elaborated Sara.

But I couldn't think of anything specific until Lyon said:

“Isn’t it enough just to be ourselves? To live authentically, from the heart?”

“That’s it! Thank you so much!”, I rejoiced, “I’ll start shining and being open and free and flowing, in whatever way feels the most natural to me at that particular moment.”

“That is amazing and exactly what you need right now.”, replied Sara, “Give up the strain, the I-must mindset and just start to flow and the infinite Wisdom of the Universe will always lead you to the most perfect experience and circumstance, which you cannot even imagine right now, but that’s the beauty of it - just listen to your heart and make the beat of that drum louder and louder until it is vibrating from your every cell and moving Heaven and Earth. Then you can expect nothing short of a miracle.”

This joy the four of us felt carried us like a wave through the night - we danced until dawn to Bossa Nova and Samba music and all of it started to feel more and more like a dream - even better, a dream that became reality.

Needless to say, my and Lyon's life changed completely after we came back home.