Fowl Language

Beep Beep Beep!

Alex rolled over with a groan. He slapped his hand onto his alarm clock to stop the bothersome noise. Alex got up out of bed and stretched his arms above his head alleviating the pain in his shoulders.  Then swung his legs over the edge and trudged towards the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, Alex scratched at his scraggly beard. The brown messy beard matched the scraggly hair on top of his head. His normally bright blue eyes had faded into a dull gray, complementing the look of tiredness that overwhelmed his face.

“Damn, I can’t keep this up. I look rough.” He mumbled to himself.

He quickly brushed his teeth and gargled before walking back into the bedroom. In the room, he sifted through his basket of unfolded laundry. Alex had been telling himself for days he would get them folded, but there they laid, a motley collection of clothing. He finally found a T-shirt and shorts with an acceptable number of wrinkles and threw them on. Once fully dressed, the kitchen was Alex’s next stop. A hot cup of joe was the first thing on his mind as he turned on the coffee maker. He started frying some bacon and eggs and threw a couple of slices of bread into the toaster.

Tap Tap Tap.

Alex froze. “Not again.” He looked over towards where the sound was coming from, a window on the far side of his unit.

Tap Tap Tap Tap.

           Alex’s eyes roamed around the room in search of a weapon. Finally, his eyes landed on a broom in the corner. He rushed to grab it and immediately headed to the window.

           “Where are you now? I know you’re hiding out here.” Alex grumbled

Through the window, his wide eyes scanned the balcony of his New York City loft. Left, right, left again, he saw nothing.

           Where is he… where is he…

           Ding!

The toaster signaled its finish. With a sigh, Alex returned to his breakfast. He grabbed the refrigerator handle and pulled out the bar of butter. The scent of the warm toast made Alex’s mouth begin to water. As soon as he began spreading the butter, the noise returned.

Tap...Tap…Tap…

Tap…Tap…Tap…

“I’m just going to ignore it.” Alex told himself.

Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap.

“Oh, come on!” he shouted, the irritation bubbling up inside of him.

“I’ve had it with that damn bird. I just want to live my life in peace. When I moved here, being harassed by a bird was not part of the deal. I’m really going to lose my mind at this point.” His rant continued all the way to the window. Broom in hand, he slid it open and crawled out onto the fire escape. “Come here you dumb bird” Alex taunted.

Almost immediately a pigeon swooped in and flew past him through the window and into the loft.

Alex spun around just in time to see the bird land right on top of the couch in the living room. Alex’s mouth fell open. He crawled back into the apartment and in his irritated state he slammed the window shut. As Alex stared at the broken piece of the window locked in his hand, he decided that much force may not have been necessary. Stepping into the living room Alex glared at the pigeon resting on his couch.

“You think you can mess with me bird?” Alex scoffed

Coo Coo. It ridiculed.

“Oh okay, watch this!”

Alex gripped the broom tighter and swung around to increase his momentum. He aimed the broom towards the couch to knock the bird down. The pigeon, realizing Alex’s plan, flew over the broom causing the lamp on the end table to get the full brunt of the swing.  

Coo coo coo coooo. The bird seemed to laugh.

“Aw dammit, I just got that as a gift!” Alex glared once again. He lifted the broom, and the bird immediately flew over into the kitchen. Perched on top of the refrigerator, the pigeon surveyed the area. Its eyes landed on a pile of cracked eggshells. The bird audibly gasped and as a result, Alex stumbled back in shock.  

“Did you just…” Alex falters.

Coo coo. The bird whined.

“What the-” Alex’s words were halted as his phone began to ring. Alex squinted at the bird and gestured with two fingers pointed at his eyes, then he turned his wrists and pointed his two thin fingers at the bird. He walks over to the counter where his phone continued to ring and picked it up.

Beep.

“Hello?” He answered the phone.

“Yeah, I’m still home. I’m getting ready and then I’ll head over there.” A pause, as he waited for the other person to respond.

“I know I’m supposed to come today. I’m still coming but the bird-” his sentence gets cut off.

“Yes, the bird. I’m not crazy, I’m telling you it’s a real bird! It wakes me up at 3 am, it shits on my head on the way work, it taps on my window until it drives me insane.” He continues.

“Of course I’m being serious.”

“Yes, I’ll get there before your surgery.”

“I know, but this time it flew in through my window! It’s in here and I’m going to get rid of it today. So, I will take care of this bird, and then I’ll come mom!”

Click.

As the conversation ended, Alex looked up to find the bird missing from its previous spot on top of the fridge.

“Oh shi-” Alex’s swear gets cut off by a crash in the entryway. He rushed over to where he heard the noise only to see the pigeon had somehow knocked over the coat rack. The fiendish fowl was now perched above the doorframe. Alex’s eyes nearly pop out of his head.

“Are you kidding me! You weigh like a pound!” Alex exclaims.

Coo coo coo.

“Great and you’re laughing now, come here!” Alex growled. He lunged at the pigeon arms stretched out in front of him. Right in the nick of time, the bird flew up into the air and swooped past Alex once again. Alex attempts to stop himself mid-lunge, but is too late, and rams right into the door. His body slumped down to the ground as a groan escaped his lips, his hands lifted slowly, his fingers finding the tender spot on the right side of his temple.

“Ugh, this sucks. That bird’s gonna kill me. Such bullsh-.” A deafening alarm begins to sound, and lights begin to flash.

Alex’s eyebrows shoot up as he exclaims. “Oh shit! The food!”

He lifted his body from the ground and raced into the kitchen only to notice the entire stove was set ablaze. Flashes of red and orange waved around and began to engulf the counters. From the corner of his eye, Alex noticed the pigeon attempting to fly out of the window only to be stopped by the glass. Alex shook his head to dismiss the distraction and rushed under the sink to grab the fire extinguisher.

“Okay Alex, it’s fine. Take a deep breath, pull the pin, aim the nozzle, squeeze the lever.” He tells himself. His actions followed the instructions he gave himself, however once the lever was squeezed nothing happened. Once again Alex squeezed the lever. Nothing.

“Ugh this can’t be happening.” He whined. “I gotta get outta here.” He dropped the fire extinguisher and sprinted to the front door. He reached toward the handle only to realize it was no longer there, only a little nub of a handle remained. The fallen coat rack seemed to have knocked the handle right off of the door. Alex felt panic shoot through him, and his thunderous heartbeat rang in his ears. He picked up the broken doorknob and pushed it against the remaining nub on the door. An attempt to twist the doorknob was made, to no avail. He banged on the door and asked for help in hopes that somebody outside might be able to hear him, but he soon realized it was no use. The pigeon began to coo from the other side of the apartment and Alex headed in the direction of the pigeon. The flames continued to grow, and the bird flew in circles, clearly in panic. Alex stared at the bird angrily.

“This is all your fault you stupid bird!” You’ve had it out for me since the beginning and now you’re actually going to get me killed!” He screamed.

Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo! The pigeon responds.

“Oh, shut up!” Alex exclaims.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Another wave of flames spread and now line the cabinets above the stove and countertops. Alex turned his head towards the window. As he reached for it, he remembered he had broken the lock. A very stupid thing to do in hindsight, but he was blinded by the rage brought on by that bird. He banged on the window hoping to knock it out of place. Getting outside by any means necessary was his plan. Unfortunately, the glass didn’t budge.

The bird that disappeared a few seconds ago returned with a thin metal nail file. He dropped it in front of Alex, who picked it up and gave the bird a knowing look. He quickly tried to squeeze the nail file underneath the window. He swiped at the lock trying to move it from the locked to the unlocked position. After two minutes without success, he gave up, sweat drenching his body.  Alex’s breathing intensified and he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He turned and the pigeon cooed from behind him.

“Look all right. We’re both dead now. I can’t get out, so you’re definitely screwed. And I haven’t heard any sirens come by.” He sighed.

The bird cooed and flew around Alex’s head, and he tried to shoo the bird away, but it remained and began to coo again.

Coo Coo Coo.

“What do you… want?” Alex rasped.

Alex looked up at the pigeon and watched as it flew up towards a vent above the living room window.

Coo Coo Coo!

“That’s nice.” He took a deep breath.  “But how the hell do we get up there?”

Coo Coo.

Alex’s eyes moved around the room analyzing the objects that sat in front of him. Trying to ignore the ever-growing flames, he set his sights on a chair just at the edge of the living room. He quickly grabbed it and pushed it underneath the vent. When he climbed onto the chair, he realized he was just a few inches short of where he needed to be. As he stepped down, he remembered he had a step stool in the corner. He quickly stepped over to it, picked it up, and returned to his spot near the vent.  Just as Alex began stacking the stool on the seat of the chair the flames rushed to the floor.

“Oh shit!” He shouted.

He quickly finished stacking the objects in the order the pigeon laid out for him. As the flames got closer, they trapped him in the living room with nowhere to run.

Cough Cough.

Alex broke out into a coughing fit as he tried to pull the vent off of the wall. He tugged until his fingers went numb, but the vent didn’t budge.

Cough Cough Cough Cough.

Alex’s coughing got worse, and the bird flew away yet again.

“Where are you going?” Alex coughed out.

Coo Coo.

The pigeon returned after a few moments with a screwdriver in its talons.  Alex reached out to grab it. He stuck the screwdriver into the screws and turned left, only pausing to switch positions to the next screw or to cough the smoke out of his lungs. Finally, the last screw fell out and Alex looked at the bird. He gestured toward the vent.

“Come in after me. I’ll punch out the vent on the other side. Just follow me.” Alex tells the bird. Alex took the next set of coos as a response.

Alex used what bit of strength he had left to haul his body up just slightly closer to the other end of the short tunnel that led outside. Once half of his body was up and in, he reached out in front of him to punch out the other side of the vent. He punched and punched until his skin tore and a trickle of blood dripped down his hand. He took a two second break before he was back at it, and finally, the vent fell off the wall and clanged onto the fire escape below.

“Yes!” Alex cheered.

Alex crawled the rest of the way through and fell out of the vent shaft. He hit the fire escape floor with a boom. It knocked the wind out of him, and another coughing fit erupted out of him.

Coo Coo Coo.

Alex took a deep breath and stopped coughing. He looked up and saw that the pigeon followed him out. Alex got up with a groan. He held on to the railings and climbed down the fire escape. As he did so he finally heard sirens whooping from down the street. The sound of the first responders drowned out the blaring of the building’s fire alarm, and a sense of peace washed over Alex. When he finally reached the bottom, he heard the gasps of other tenants.

“Oh my gosh is he okay?” One woman gasped.

“How long was he in there?” One man inquired.

“Oh shit, I think that’s my neighbor.” Was the conclusion of another man.  

The firetruck and ambulance finally arrived on the scene, breaking up the crowd that had formed outside.

“Excuse me folks, make way.” Shouted a firefighter as he moved towards the building.

A few other firefighters rushed to the building and ran inside with a hose. A ladder rose up and one firefighter with a hose attempted to douse the flames that had begun to make their way outside of Alex’s apartment. An EMT rushed up to Alex and helped him to the ambulance. She aided Alex in sitting down on a chair outside of the truck.

“Are you okay sir? I heard you came out of the unit where the fire started. We were told you came out through the fire escape.” The EMT explained.

“Yeah, but I’m okay. I had some help getting out.” Was the response Alex mumbled out.

“Well, let’s get you checked out and bring you to the hospital. You may have inhaled too much smoke.”  

“Wh- which hospital are you taking me to?”

“We’re bringing you to Lincoln Memorial Hospital.”

“Oh great. That’s where my mom is, I’ll be able to make it after all.” Alex smiled.

Alex stood and walked around to the back of the ambulance. Just as he was about to enter the ambulance he froze. The EMT behind him gasped and her hand smacking over her mouth. Alex reached his hand out to feel the top of his head. When he brought his hand back down a wet gooey substance coated his fingers.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He cursed.

He looked up and a pigeon flew in circles above his head.

Coo Coo Coo.                                                                                                     

“I’m gonna kill that damn bird.”