The Honest Inner Workings of My Mind

You know what? I quit. You win, I lose. Though, what did you really win? And more importantly, what did I really lose?

In your winning, I lost my sense of self. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want to be because of you.

What is or isn't worth it anymore? A line from my favorite move, Joker 2019: "Have you seen what it's like out there, Murray? Do you ever actually leave the studio? Everybody just yells and screams at each other. Nobody's civil anymore. Nobody thinks what it's like to be the other guy. You think men like Thomas Wayne, men at ease, ever think what it's like to be a guy like me? To be anybody but themselves. They don't. They think we'll all just sit there and take it like good little boys. That we won't werewolf and go wild."

Maybe I shouldn't be writing this and entering it into a public forum when I'm in this sort of head space. Maybe I shouldn't quit, but in fact, persevere- but for what?

Not to go too deep into existentialism, but what is the point of anything anymore?

Moving on, let's keep the readers attracted- let's give them something hopeful-something to keep the people going.

Okay, I can do that. I think.

Let's focus, what do people want to hear right now? Well, everyone is in a different state in their life right now so what can we all collectively agree on?

You know what? I quit.

No but seriously, it's so much easier to quit than to actually pursue the one thing I think I might be good at but am too scared to take that opportunity- that leap into the unknown.

I quoted Joker (2019) earlier for the simple fact that because it's what popped up into my head when hearing the line : "You know what? I quit."

It's like fighting for something over and over and over again until finally- you snap. You remember that there's this thing called free will and that you can quit and start over again or quit and go find something else to do.

I've quit writing only to start over again. It's something I keep coming back to even if I don't really know if I'm good at it or not.

Is anyone really? I mean this is all subjective anyways.

We're all entering in our prompts in hopes of what? Being crowned the winner? Winning the $250? Am I breaking the fourth wall?

Am I being too honest? How is the public perceiving me right now?

You know what? I quit.

Wait- no I don't. If I can't be honest here, on this website, with random people who don't know me but are taking the time to read my words, where else can I go?

The prompt before this said to just write and don't think too much about it, and maybe I'm taking that too literal.

Also, though, maybe there's someone else out there who thinks like me too. Eight billion people in this world- there's no way I'm the only one with this sort of train of thinking. Or however the saying goes.

Does my writing show my age? I think I'm being very telling with where I'm at right now in my head space.

Fuck it.

There's so many times I doubt myself. I write things and then quickly retract them without giving it a second thought.

Maybe I'm using this as my diary instead of actually following the rules. Maybe I'm being too honest.

If I go back and re-read what I just wrote I think I'd- no I absolutely know- would delete everything.

My fear of being perceived by the public is stopping me from achieving success. What is success? That's another prompt.

Do I actually quit? What am I quitting?

Oh no- I just re-read what I wrote and it's like watching an accident occurring. You can't look away no matter how bad it is.

But I can't seem to stop writing. Maybe I don't quit. What am I even talking about anymore?

Why did I even come back on this website?

You know what? I quit.

Let's please move on. Let me find something more enjoyable for people to read. Okay, I can do this.

Fun fact: Asteroid 99942 Apophis is going to 'safely' pass Earth on April 13, 2029.

Scientists predicted earlier that there might've been a VERY slight chance that it could've hit Earth but now they're saying that it's going to safely pass.

Was that a fun fact? It was for me.

You know what? I quit.

Or I don't- again. My writing here is going in every single direction. Isn't that what it means though?

To quit something and start over again only this time changing the tone, the direction, the overall theme of the story we're all trying to tell?

I've said all of this nothingness to say-

Maybe life is just about existing. Merely existing in a specific time and space meant for you to just exist. Maybe there is no big purpose, or big ‘thing’ meant for you, just living, breathing, feeling the sun on your skin- that’s life. In this vast universe with multiple realities or worlds, life is just about existing and maybe the purpose of life is to live it.

If I quit now, I don't gain anything. I don't think I've yet experienced all there is that this life, my life, has to offer.

What if I quit now when things are going to get really good? I'll never know if I quit so I guess I have no other option but to keep going.

I wish I could talk to my older self, like fifty years from now. I wonder if she's more calmer than I am now.

Who knows? I'll probably cringe at myself for having actually wrote down my thoughts as they were coming in without a filter and put it out there for people to read.

Oh God- stop reading. Please don't perceive me.

Whatever thoughts are running through your head while reading this about me, just turn them off.

You know what? I quit.