All the happy places

domestic violenceCW: 

Rue made me promise that I would protect Junie. When she left for college I would take over her job as the oldest sister. She made me promise that no matter how angry Junie made me I would never push her away; never hurt her. 

Now as I watch the sky go from blue to orange to pink to black, I could tell that was a shit promise. She only made me promise that because she wasn’t coming back. She was never coming back and as much as I wanted to hate her for leaving, I couldn’t.

I don’t know how Rue did it. Maybe she was a superhuman that had powers to make life seem like such a breeze. Sometimes she would send me pictures of her days at the beach with friends or pictures of her studying for midterms. I knew she wanted to make me feel included but she was only making it worse so I never answered them but I did save them, though I never told her that. After a while, she stopped sending them.

I knew I had hurt her, but if I answered who knows the things I would have said to her.

I hate you. I hate you for acting like you don’t have sisters. I hate you for making friends. I hate you for never visiting and sending cheap postcards and short emails. I hate you for moving so far away. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

The day she stopped sending pictures wasn't the worst day, it was the day we stopped talking completely.

Mom and Liam had gotten into a heated fight. I could handle days they fought but nights were always the worst. When they fought nights it would prevent Junie from sleeping and then she would go to school looking like hell and then teachers would start asking questions. Questions were never a good thing.

The yelling downstairs was getting louder. Every few seconds Junie would look at my bedroom door.

I was supposed to protect her. This little blonde bug-eyed girl. The one I had only known for half of my life yet seemed like an eternity.

“Juniper, do you need help with your homework?”

“No. It’s just times tables.”

The noise gets louder; she looks again. 

“Ok. I’ll teach you a trick I learned-”

A loud bang comes from downstairs. Junie gets up and bolts for the door and I have to run to stop her.

“No Junie. Stay here. I’ll be back, ok?”

“No, don't go. I think I do need help with my homework.”

“I have to make sure Mom is ok. I have to. Just do the problems you know best and I'll help you with the rest.”

The silence coming from downstairs is what scared me the most. I knew it could only mean the worst. The closer I got to the living room the more I realized how little space I took up yet it felt like I was suffocating. 

The living room was empty, which meant they were in the kitchen. This is where a large cabinet sat right above the fridge. No one ever used it because we were all too short except for Liam. That’s where he kept his gun.

I could feel my heart burst into a million pieces. Each piece sharper than a shard of glass. I imagine with each step I take the pieces of my heart get into my feet and I fall onto the floor, bleeding out until I am nothing and everything at the same time.

When I reach the kitchen the first thing my eyes travel to is my Mom. She stands stock-still looking at the floor as if a piece of lint is more important than her own safety. She looks completely drained; dark eye bags that can barely be seen because of her dark skin, wrinkles covering her face. Her dark coily hair is slicked back into a tight bun and she still has her work clothes on. It should be considered a special talent the way she changes her energy whenever he enters the room. Then my eyes travel to Liam. He is looking through my mom and into space with a beer in his hands. He takes up too much and so little space at the same time. He is a snake. He only makes himself known when he wants to and when he does there is hell to pay.

I step around my Mom and brush her with my side to try and get her attention. Nothing ever gets her out of her own head when she gets like this, not even the cries of her own children or the ones that come from her mouth. 

“Do you see us talking?”

“I’m thirsty.”

“Your thirsty?”

“I just want some water, Jesus.”

“Who are you getting smart with?”

I don’t say anything as I walk past him out of the kitchen.

He gets quiet and then his fist connects with my face. I let out a scream that sounds terrifying even from my own mouth as I fall onto the floor next to him. This is when I see my moms’ heart burst into pieces all over the floor and then I see Rues’ heart and then Junies’. The only heart that doesn't burst is Liam’s. His heart turns into a deep red and grows larger until it is too big for his chest. It starts to swallow the house while taking everything and everyone with it. 

I want to get up but I don’t because I am too weak. I want my heart to repair itself so I can be better for my sisters and my mom but I know it will always be broken because when I finally open my eyes my mom isn't next to me, she's with Liam.

She doesn't look sad or hurt, she looks angry and not at Liam, at me.

I want to believe she only went to him to calm him down. I want to believe that she cares. I want to believe. 

I couldn’t remember when I got up or how I ended up on the phone.

“Moon?”

Her voice was bubbly and light. It was never like this. Rue was changing. She was probably out having fun with friends and I was about to ruin it.

“A-Are you out with friends?”

“Just got back to my dorm. What’s wrong?”

“Junie needs you.” I need you.

“It’s late, Moon.”

“They are fighting again. Why don’t you care?”

“I really don’t know what you expect of me!? Unless you have money to fly me back home there is nothing I can do.”

“You can come back home. Do school online. You know how Junie feels about you being so far away.” You know how I feel. 

She sighs and I imagine her rubbing her temples and pacing around her small living space. She sent me before and after pictures of her decorated dorm. She had a purple comforter and had put up various pictures of her favorite bands. It wasn’t much but it was a lot more than what she had back home. Looking back at the picture now there wasn’t a single picture or memory of the family she once knew.

“You know I can’t do that. I worked really hard to be here.”

“He hit me, Rue. He hurt me.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry Moon. Should I call the police?”

“Mom didn’t talk to us for a week after we called them.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

Come home. Come back. 

“I-I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

More silence.

“Look Moon, it's getting late. I have a class early in the morning.”

“If you hang up I’ll never speak to you again. I’ll hate you forever.” 

“You are being childish Mooney. Tell Junie I said hi.”

We haven't talked in months after that. Junie keeps trying to get me to talk to her but unlike Mom, I’m good at distancing myself from people I don’t want to be around. I wish Rue hated me like I hated her so it would be easier to forget about her.