Bittersweet Musical

The battle between light and darkness was evident in the sky, as the sun fought to penetrate its light through the thick black clouds. But as predicted the sun would presented itself triumphantly, blinding the remaining dark clouds. The morning was glorious and the cool tropical morning breeze swirled in victory as the yacht gently floated on the Caribbean Ocean. Jesse stood looking at the grand splendor and inhaled deeply. She stood outside the yacht watching the seagulls swooping down into the water in hopes of catching breakfast. She envied the dolphins as they happily glided through the water carefree. It always amazed her the way nature had the resilience to recover after each day. Humans always carried with them the stress and trauma of the day before but nature embraced the phrase, “A New Day,’ The sun rose every morning religiously even after a day of fighting with pollution, lions would still go on hunting after a day of no success, ants would still continue building their nest after being raided by an anteater, but humans carried with them the scars of their tough days. Some of them had the ability to get up and dust ourselves off but then there was some of them, who felt beaten and downtrodden and could bear the thought of diving back into the deep.

Jesse felt beaten and downtrodden. She felt a tension in her spine as she was aware that at anytime her estranged husband would emerge out of the cabin. This vacation was a final attempt to save their marriage but it was a complete failure. Phillip her husband had a way of trivializing the way that she felt and she was tired of being misunderstood and undervalued. Phillip squeezed his 6 foot 4 frame out of the cabin and joined his wife on deck. But as he placed his hands on her lower back, a sudden chill rattled through her body. As they both stood side by side admiring the sunrise, she held up her face and absorbed all its radiance. As the sun soaked through her skin she reminisced on the first day that she and Phillip met and the song that she was listening to on her iPod.

Jesse was always a nature lover and she drew inspiration from it. Nature relaxed her and always reminded her to put life into perspective. She was standing looking down at the capital city of Port of Spain. She had hiked Lady Chancellor hill and as she rested and prepared for her trek downhill, she was blessed with the image of the setting sun. The sun was burning burnt orange, as it fought to remain ignited. The dark clouds were inching closer and closer to envelop the final rays of the sun, but as the sun fought to stay relevant the clouds reflected a purple color. Macaws were quickly retreating to the northern range and their squalls penetrated through the quietening evening. Jesse stood close to the edge, her hands on the guard rails to steady her feet. Stevie Wonder’s magical song, Ribbons in the Sky,’ was playing on her iPod. She absolutely loved that song. She felt liberated listening to it; it bought a sense of security to her as she was reminded that there was a ribbons in the sky with her love story. She was a hopeless romantic and Stevie made her feel as it was fine to be that way. Her friends made her feel like a prude, because she believed in true love and she refused to settle., but she knew deep down there was someone out there who matched her values, her passion and who wanted to share her ending.

As the instrumental ending to the song filled her ears and transported her to its musical climax, she heard a voice shouting at her. As she turned towards the interruption, she was greeted with a young man, “It’s getting late and bandits like to traverse these areas at this time and attack female hikers, you really need to go now,” he exclaimed. Jesse knew this, but she was so taken up in her thoughts that she lost track of the time. She smiled at the young man embarrassed by her careless action and hurriedly strutted down the hill. But then she heard him saying to her,” I can’t let you walk down this hill alone, the crime situation has escalated and I won’t forgive myself if something happens to you.” Jesse dismissed him with a wave of her hands and said,” I can handle myself don’t you worry.” But he ignored her and started walking beside her. Jesse rolled her eyes and placed her ear plugs back into her ears but the young man did not stop talking and Jesse had to reluctantly take her ear plugs off.

As she turned to listen to his insipid chatters, she realized for the first time that he was a fine piece of chocolate. His cocoa skin was just glowing every time the orange sunlight captured it through the tree canopy. His smile was infectious and his full lips were begging to be on someone’s skin. Jesse had to stop her eyes from drinking him in, because her friends mentioned to her that she had an obvious way of checking out a guy that was very uncomfortable and embarrassing. She needed to be poised in this situation and the first thing she needed to do was, pay attention to what he was saying.

He introduced himself as Phillip and as she said his name, it felt so familiar to her ear, it was like it was meant to be said over and over again at all times, on at occasions. “Did I introduce myself,” Jesse asked, interrupting him. He looked at her in the corner of his eye and then gently smiled and said, “No, I guessed that you would eventually, I take it that you are one that takes a while to warm up to strangers,” he indicated. Jesse just shook her head and chuckle, “You are a very interesting person I must say, Phillip.” That was the beginning of a whirlwind romance. It was like it was meant to be and Jesse being a romantic felt like the stars had finally aligned and this was a one in a million love story.

Phillip was a prison officer and his Mom were one of the vendors on Lady Chancellor hill, so on evenings once he was available he would assist her and accompany her home safely. So Jesse started to frequent Lady Chancellor hill and found herself assisting Phillip and his mother. Jesse’s religious parents were also impressed by Phillip and that was one more item ticked off her checklist. Jesse loved just hiding in a corner and watch Phillip work a room, he had that ‘je ne sais quoi’ that made people fall in love with him easily. And this often made Jesse wonder what was it about her that made him fall in love with her when he had so many options. She often asked the question as she leaned into his embrace while watching the sunset on the exact spot they met. His response would simply be, “We feel right.” His answer was reassuring to Jesse, because in its simplicity it brought comfort to her because in the puzzle called life, their pieces just fit.

Fifteen years after they were the parents of two teenagers girls and the scars of marriage were obvious on both Jesse’s and Phillip’s face. The things that they once enjoyed together brought about an upsurge of sadness that made Jesse bitter and resentful. She hated that her life had become something similar to a Suspense/ Thriller movie where nothing was certain and everyone was on edge. What saddened her the most was that her children were firsthand witnesses to the breakdown of something that was once wonderful. She often lay in her bed and with her iPod listening to the music that reflected her emotion. Jesse had one constant in her life and that was her reliance on music to unearth her truest feelings and the power that it had for her to free herself. The song from Jazmine Sullivan, ‘Forever don’t Last,’ resonated deep within her heart as the words to the song summarized her exact emotions,

“I had high hopes for us baby

Like I was on dope for us baby

Chasing after a high, that I’ll never get back again

And we turn into three long years

And it became painfully clear that we

Would never see those days again

But I guess forever, doesn’t last too long.”

Tears would usually stain Jesse’s face as she listens to each word of the song. Jazmine was such an intentional singer, she never took any syllable or word that she sang for granted. The groaning in her voice captured the pain of shattered dreams and that was what really gripped Jesse. Even though some persons might think that listening to that type of music was Jesse’s way of punishing herself, on the contrary, it was the only way that she found healing. Music was what carried her through every stage of her life and it was the one companion she had that never failed. Jesse hoped that Phillip was her forever, but his definition of being a perfect fit was quite different to hers. Jesse’s assessment of Phillip was that he thought that things would remain the same. He was a man that had an image of what his life should be and he was unwilling to accept anything else. When life made unexpected twist and turns instead of adjusting he became infuriated. Jesse never realized that Phillip was such a control freak, she always admired his ability to manage situations in the earlier parts of marriage, but life had a way of pitching some curve balls and when Phillip swung at times he missed and as a result, his ego was severely damaged.

Jesse blamed his job also for the way he behaved. Phillip was used to being the one in command. Instructing the cellmates when it was time to eat, bath and sleep, however when he came home the children weren’t as obedient and Phillip had difficulties accepting that at the prison and at home the occupants were under different settings. As the children became teenagers he thought the best way to parent was with an iron fist but unfortunately he received some pushback. The tug of war between the children and Phillip created tension in the house because he felt like Jesse was ganging up with the kids against him. But she wanted to create a safe environment for her kids. But Phillip refused to accept that a home needed balance, he just wanted obedience. His drill sergeant approach drew a wedge between Jesse and Phillip and though she loved her husband she knew that she had a responsibility to her children. The family would avoid each other at all cost and the house would just be a box where each tenant stayed in their respective corners. What affected Jesse the most was that Phillip stopped making love to her and as a woman she needed to feel needed. The song by the boy band, Dru Hill, ‘We’re not Making Love No More,’ best described the way their marriage had change.

Sure I’ve been in love a time or two

But in the end I still chose you

No one could ever make me feel this way

That’s why it’s killing me what we’re going through

I somehow thought between me and you

Our love would stand the test of time

And never, ever fade

The passion that they had once felt for each other had changed. It was if they were complete strangers because they no longer connected. After fifteen years of marriage, each of them wanted something different out of it and it appeared that no one was prepared to make the adjustment. Memories of the way they could not keep their hands off each other and the glances they would give one another from across a crowded room flooded Jesse’s memories. She loved those moments when they were obviously connected and their primary concern was to make each other happy. But those days were just a distant memory and now what they wanted out of life were polar opposites.

What really tipped him over the edge was Jesse being let go from her job approximately 6 years ago. Phillip was obviously upset about it because as he said, “This will change our life’s trajectory.” Phillip was always a planner but he forget one sure thing about life, you cannot plan for everything. His entire attitude shifted from that moment and instead of him taking things one day at a time, he became angrier when things did not go his way. He dug his feet in deeper and became a stubborn irate father and husband. Jesse often wondered if he listened while at their pre- marriage counselling sessions, because one things she always recollected was that the pastor indicated that things won’t always happened the way they planned. It appeared that Phillip thought he was exempted from difficult times because he was well prepared.

Hence the reason they were on a yacht, both looking at the sunrise silently. Jesse sensed that this was the end. They had tried to work it over the weekend on the yacht that Phillip had borrowed from one of his friends. But they just could not see eye to eye. Jesse hated that she was giving up on them but Phillip just wanted her to accept who he was and she could if she it was only her, but she feared for her kids. She wanted them to love their childhood and to see their parents live a life of love that they could model, but instead she had a home that was certainly worth running from. They attended numerous counselling sessions and Phillip concluded that Jesse had changed. And Jesse knew that she had in order to protect her children, but the counsellor indicated that what she had created was a dynamic where the children felt that Mom was on their side and against Dad. She understood what the counsellor meant but Phillip was not willing to compromise on his disciplinary approach and she spoke to him on numerous occasions concerning it. But she felt that the issue was Phillip’s inability to cope with change. The children did not remain the same and he could not adjust. Their home and finances did remain the same and he could not adjust. He had an image of Jesse and the children in his head that he could not erase.

The weekend trip was over and there was not a positive resolution. Stevie Wonder’s voice kept running through Jesse’s mind. The song that made her believe in love and the song that made her take a chance on love. The narration of the song was not just about bliss, but it told a story of struggle and triumph. She wanted Phillip to understand that life had it difficulties and his ego needed to understand that things would not always work out the way he planned.

As she sat in the car she turned to Phillip and she said, “The moment I met you, I knew you were a capable man and during the years I never doubted it, but I am guessing that you have. Babe, you have to understand that we’re a team and in order for us to work you need to acknowledge that and acknowledge me in this relationships. I, too am fully capable. I love you with all of my heart and that would never change even though we both have changed and that’s life, people change, their perspectives change. But in a marriage one thing should never change and that is our love for each other and our family. I respect you as a man and as the provider for our home, but the kids nurturing is my turf and when I need you to discipline them I would ask. I need you to trust my judgement. This is the only way we would work if you want us to.” Phillip glanced over at his wife and reached for her hand. They drove the rest of the way home quietly. But as they arrived home, Phillip said, “I need a minute alone to think, I would be back soon.”

Jesse watched as he drove off. She said a silent prayer and hurried inside to greet the kids. Phillip swerved off the main road and proceeded to a dirt road that led to a lake. This was the lake he frequented as a kid, it was the lake that he sat by quietly and isolated as a teenager planning his future. This was the lake he wept by when his Dad abandoned their family. And that night, he went to the lake to seek reformation. He hopped out of his truck and walked to the track leading to the lake. He stood looking at the moon light and he said to himself out loud, “I feel like I was gazing out into the sun hoping that it would never set.” Phillip knew that he had to accept that life was constantly changing and that was the only constant. The sun and moon battled for their time and they both had their importance because they understood their roles. He looked at the moon light reflecting off the still water and he remembered the day that he and Jesse first met. He saw a young woman who was the perfect fit for him, a woman who was competent in her role, but he was unprepared for the shifting that would take place as life took its toll. But he refused to be the one to give up on a love that was engraved on one of the ribbons in the sky.