Establishing New Year's resolutions for me, a geek wedded Jew pitter = Big fat Nyat!

Submitted into Contest #25 in response to: Write a short story about someone who refuses to write New Year's resolutions.... view prompt



Lemme tell you about a fail safe stratagem of one dishabille smart ass dummy, who snubbed practice sustaining New Year's resolutions. His unbridled integrity, fidelity, and capacity (read no nonsense honorable devotee) lifetime staunch aversion toward global December thirty first aspirations contravenes (against sic establishmentarian coda) spelt general outline for his ignominious humiliating, yet grandiose failure existing for other diehard human flotsam and jetsam to emulate. Thus informal membership among fellow coterie comprising basket of deplorables professing zealotry against New Year's resolutions recognizes one aging beetle browed curmudgeon mortal for transcending far above and beyond loose parameters defining general opposition setting and keeping New Year's resolutions.

Any idea regarding identification pertaining to that someone, who takes NOT abiding New Year's resolutions to a whole new level? Plus yet undisclosed humble hominid also refuses to acquiesce and commingle among society members singing (by Scott) auld lang syne New Year's resolutions? That individual constitutes yours truly, the only person I know well enough er... rather solely maintain contact with among all those bajillion people extant within/out the world wide web. New Year's no excuse (sorry or otherwise) to implement an important objective. Yes... understandable that convenient calendrical (Gregorian) artificial construct sets ideally recognized historical yearly marker, but if one could hypothetically do away with contrivances that designate passage of time, each dawning dusk nsync with circadian cycle would eventually establish sleep/wake natural rhythm.

Additionally, some New year's resolutions might disallow segmentation into neatly packaged units, nor warrant leisure being deferred. Such matters such as personal health and fitness, (albeit holistic wellbeing) best be put into action sooner than later. Objection and/or aversion to establish New Year's resolutions also strongly diametrically allied to the procrastinator credo, why do today what can be put off until tomorrow? Goal setting, but more particularly keeping heavenly forcibly forgotten goals doggedly bandied alive long the stuff of legend, no matter that those folk tales adequately buzzfeeding nosy busy buddies courtesy yours truly.

All throughout primary, junior, and senior high school, this average schlemiel forever postponed completing assignments. Thy handy dandy general rule of thumb being, the more significant the required, projected, and anticipated endeavor, the higher up the procrastinator totem pole said task got places. A direct quasi moat oh! relationship could be graphed. Imagine Cartesian plane, where straight line forms forty five degree angle when variables x and y both positive. Far as the eye can see, an arrow escape (impossible mission) as proportionate variable relationship remains intact, whereby unwavering ray points toward infinity.

Now lemme backtrack before I went off on a tangent. Therefore, when teacher informed classroom early during the onset of term, (perhaps even the first day after twelve week summer hiatus devoid cracking binding of book), that automatically relegated important academic task ipso de facto as permanent non starter. Serious scholastic fallout (if not downright repetition of grade) must not deter the staunchest, proudest, and (Guiness Book of world record holder) most fervent diddler. He/she never did give diddly squat about either receiving passing or failing mark. All encompassing material necessary for satisfactory promotion including completing required individual group collaborative enterprise carefully planned and designed to achieve a particular aim as outlined by teacher upon resumption that first day/week after lazy summer days. Compulsory high score linkedin to test results, pop quizzes, class participation, eating lunch and playing cooperatively during recess also figured in the mix determining salutary promotion.

Fast forward lifetime reel regarding, viz zit ting mein kampf post pubescent stage. Continuity of irresolute characteristic (mine) shot thru with chronic apprehension, cautiousness, extreme fumfering linkedin to genetic blueprint. Ever since nine months in utero (perchance even at outset of conception) yours truly evinced painfully shy demeanor amidst his (mine) peers. Decision making on an hourly, daily, weekly... basis presented grueling challenge. Nevermind crafting long term objectives encompassing amorphous, incongruous, nebulous... New Year's resolutions anathema to an individual lacking amalgamation, conviction, gumption... keeping attention, conviction, emancipation... on straight and true acquiring (begetting) concomitant searing robust belief within psyche to accomplish any reasonable goal. More so faith no more prevailed courtesy lack of confidence, low self esteem, loathsomeness arising, emanating, jackknifing cando spirit left to suffocate within heart of darkness comprising my psyche. Born this way (albeit poker face) frenzied, harried, jangled... socially withdrawn diminutive guy, no way (Jose) could the additional spurt garnered thru relegating commitment attained by promising New Year's resolutions, since that would necessitate ordaining, seeing, and witnessing such transformation latent courtesy when January first arrived.

Though training a (super tramping) old dog new (cheap) tricks feasible, that ain't gonna happen here. Grandiose elaborate decision making need not be incumbent at stroke of midnight heralding (think spectacular pyrotechnics) essentially one moment transpired along the space/time continuum. No matter acquiring hoopla donning The of making a Deal (while drunkenly debauched) simultaneously declaring definitive manifest destiny to commence with bitta bing bitta bang evidenced courtesy gala feted celebration isolating one indistinguishable moment into another (regaled with trappings fit for crowning a king) thoroughly stitched within the warp and weft comprising my threadbare existence. Understanding how weaving alone did loom large encourages me to enlighten ye dear reader how I poorly grappled, endured, and coped analogous putting square inside round hole. That off the beaten path cosigning fellow Earthling where Whatsapp penning about New Year's resolutions, yet tangential nonetheless points me to share ruminations describing...

The Procrastinator's Principle Precept (alternately titled: Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Till Tomorrow)? The following extrapolated thought thread randomly unspooled, matted, exercised, et cetera, NOT utilized to intimate how Fats Domino belied, and wowed an enormous sized crowded house, but more so to aver macro cosmic amplification simply by (qua Atlas) shrugging ambivalent shoulders, asper deferring tackling a pressing matter (past due by an inordinate amount of time), which tardiness directly impacts the indifferent individual (myself for a perfect example) to postpone pass/fail, mandatory, and critical action. The figurative price paid NOT only a(n) damnably execrable (sic) failing grade (again, I blithely trot out yours truly, who flunked out of Kindergarten), but implacable quaking ramifications spread across the world wide web affecting cosmological events.

This carefree chap writes from personal experience, and attests how forgoing getting a jump start and/or completing major assignments soon after getting tasked with academic material played emotional havoc renting asunder (think cerebral thunder and lightning unnecessarily smacked upside the face) by Andre the Giant thrashing more'n thine psyche. My mental health (already afflicted, consigned and endangered since birth, or...maybe in utero) experienced exacerbated anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Unsympathetic, truculent, severely ornery, wart covered hard nosed college professors (or basically teachers in general, typical employers, parties issuing regular bills requiring timely payment lest penalty incurred, et cetera) intolerant towards tardiness. Aside from harangues issued by classroom School administrators for lessons dog chewed, handed in incomplete (or left undone), forever scorching aptitude, inviting incriminating scandal cause of truancy, avoiding Sax education, exhibiting anti Violins against substitute instructors standing in for daily Kos sacks, plus an ongoing dishonorable never ending riff , additionally untold unpleasantries fate awaits he/ she, who dares to appear and blatantly upholds apathetic behavior. This confession of mine (Matt aka Howard Stern er bespoken as NON GMO, gluten and MSG free honey coated Buzzfeed ding (spelling bee deviled) dawdler coaxed, forged, and inured via extreme mental, physical, and social anguish) concocted within the crucible oven artful miller. Thus, as a former unrepentant, unapologetic incorrigible ace procrastinator, I NOW abhor putting off doing what best ought to get immediate attention barring some extenuating dire circumstance. A hypothetical scenario, could entail supposed warped subwoofer mishap with flying carpet. Such case in point (recurring more frequently with unwinding worn weft), could find me stranded in the Outer Limits. Just recently, I got unexpectedly

coolly whipped into a whirlpool, subsequently encountering turbulence like something out of the Twilight Zone. Before an eye blink, a raining hail of droning bombs unexpectedly didst enfilade myself into the stone age. I needed to call crisis intervention and fast! Take heed dear reader lest ye encounter similar frenzied gallimaufry necessitating (hypothetical individual jimmied kamikaze lambasting – sorry no acronym available at this instance) mission to accomplish the seemingly impossible, and remain calm at all times, despite deafening making, paining, and splitting wailing sirens.

This take me hostage stance, (and/or no prisoners pose) maintained must be adopted while in the process assisted with good ole mom to hoist oneself with one's own petard, which emergency best warrants a reward. Otherwise fate will take atoll inducing grr...reef. Hence incumbent requiring one to break from ordinary business as usual to enlist "FAKE" help of a grenadier, who doth make his/her livelihood risking their life, and limb without quaking. This gut wrenching yawning abyss literally a reality if shrapnel from brutish (enemy) ordnance cuts short and permanently maims valiant fighter (to make America great again – see * at finis gin wake re: guarding Psalm Thing Sung) reduced to hobbling nee web crawling from burning wreckage. Out of such sacrifice (our brave warrior dutifully bites the bullet) obviously overly compensating bravery as he/she doth stake out mortal danger with adequate adorning combat gear. Oh...without a dad owe of a shout, ne plus ultra impossible mission (said front line braveheart undoubtedly deserves) begs proffering ample legal tender. Additional bonus aside from substantial money (for act of daring do), the unflagging gratuity topped off visited by bequeathing first born son. Highest medal (would get draped around thick set neck of outfitted voluntary recruit) for unstinting mettle, an especial honor for tolerating accompanying martial tune aired by an untrained baritone horn player. The sonorous doleful dirge would easily be confused with screeching (like fingernails scratching blackboard in close proximity) eliciting a scorning glare from another celebrated soldier spy tinker tailor with a torn smile while trained special ops secret (get petsmart agent) also named Bjorn Again, which no doubt causes the reader confusion unsure which character, whose cameo virtual nod of assent no longer needed. As a writer no end to the hours of utter confusion found these clammy hands gesticulating despair. He unwittingly incurs deadly (duking out) hazard from one morn to the next amidst adversity shouldering care worn Marines motto semper fidelis.

Though unstinting selflessness roundly requisitioned, (which possible unnecessary loss of young life) predicated on add age, viz being at the least, a day late and dollar short egad inadvertently dooming princely valiant warmonger, a mere stripling lad whose mourning brings heavy pallor of sadness, which imagined situation. Aye tangentially, congruently, and adjacently bring a faintly analogous comparison vis a vis, la dee da (yabba dabba Scooby Doo) by and by to the pupa perfect butterfly effect, or sparrow's swan song. Heron twittering birds eye i.e. view, tis ultimate vaunted woeful forsaken exemplary daring charging bleeding able bodied corps debt espousing grunt. Destiny defrocking death dutifully vowed. Corpse draped casket little consolation (to surviving family members) when best and brightest die in the line of duty wrought without flinching, when decorated muscled brethren accepted oath.

Herewith segue-way forcibly nudged away from human fighting machine, and shifted toward how one could espy a single occurrence no lie, (sans flickr ring, instagram ming, kickstart ting well nigh linkedin shutterfly of a butterfly) twerks catcher in the rye, (no matter how small, thee ripple within space time continuum can change the course of the universe forever, no idea how nor why. One final clarification to tie up odd loose end. This vignette “voiced” entirely by narrator christened Bjorn Again, whose multiplicity of selves the brainchild of...him... Bjorn Again.

*Psalm Thing Sung – ushering thy so years ago written paeon slightly tweaked to become more nsync with offsprings summer re: progress since their graduated pedantic undertaking about how to Make Education Great:

Join in song this rhyming poetic pedagogical do wop

As a father figure of two post teenage budding

(young adult) beautiful girls

(this of course, an unbiased opinion

from one older poetic agit pop)

precious as rare pure white oyster pearl

he praises them to succeed, where he did flop,

whose penchant for words finds him

veering off in cerebral whirl

back in his school days headed

his future like well worn bedraggled gun metal mop.

He cringed when bearing (gee hove ah witness)

weighted heavy backpack

bursting at seams with scholastic burdens scholarly lass

says finds me muttering cherished offspring

and other students cannot slack,

yet thy progeny (especially eldest) didst blithely

ace every accelerated class,

received her University of Penn Bachelor degree

proof of college track.

Upon paging thru an outdated issue of

Time Magazine tattered faded dull

I instantly held periodical stock-still

pondering how to organize thoughts

bubble deep and wrapping within me skull

finding way to dredge up (like trapped Chilean miners

and/or Thai - nearly died – soccer youths)

rescued joyfully trill,

when rapt by azure or overcast skies

me former ill fate briefly mull,

this self anointed bard applies his little

button nose to grindstone mill

offering suggestions locked within recesses

of mein kampf cranial hull

perhaps unexpectedly being lucky winner

drawing a large monetary bill.

Accept input from students whose

ingenuity one must adore

down to brass tacks task-master must force his hand

without further ado, aye iterate ideas

that flit from neuron core

to axon this fist sized brain, an over

imaginative sexual gland

most likely one of the few who opt to couch

suggestions less or more

via my trademark iambic pentameter brand

with no intent to raise hackles nor cane –

only adulations to score.

Avoid couture costs by providing

uniforms so classmates addressed

adorned with maybe district crest

thence offering so called level playing field

to trumpet and don as welcome guest

in addition requisite technological

paraphernalia so nobody out impressed

by mockery, sham and travesty of fragile

and brittle coveted egg nest

minimal take home assignments or better

yet banish them to boot

camp sending engraved invitations to renown

persons flourish as they jest

as artisans, civil engineers, musicians,

et cetera or hoopsters who shoot

with legal habeas credentials all the while

wearing a bulletproof vest

while serving as escorts on educational forays

to offer ways to earn loot

from agriculture, banking, carpentry, economics,

finance, or other quest

taking lock stock and barrel of judges, lawyers,

or musicians that toot

their own horn or follow beat of individualistic

drummer playing with zest.

Aside from exposure to sun dry milieus/

future potential employer site

basic self-sufficiency skills ought to be taught

such as how to cook

amortize from borrowing money,

teach bullies acceptance versus fight

or in modern parlance conflict resolution

the rage one ought to brook

as well mentoring students climbing

academic ladder despite any plight

recognizing high school diploma

as launch pad required hook

drawing competition from recruiters espying

those with mental might

carving out a startup company

that perchance generates successful nook

becoming firebrand from discipline

and formalities transcending spite.

Exercise of body as essential as that

of the mind so this holistic human 

(albeit humble) who prides himself on vibrant health

underscores the enhancement of fitness

(preferably the non-aggressive) kind

regularly taking time each day to inure

future generations with wealth

in tune with maintenance of self, which

combination nowadays a rare find.

Weed out superfluous shoots threatening

to strangle fledgling learning tree

seed money from venture capitalists

can help grow idea from me

to allow, enable and provide supportive

opportunity for creativity to be free

instead of force to memorize “test”

material droned like an overtaxed bee

allowing, enabling and proffering tender reeds

to take root if you agree.

January 20, 2020 19:57

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