Survivors of Shakespearean Suicide

Through the door, STAGE RIGHT, DOCTOR BACON, a university professor in his late sixties, enters his small office clinic, with a globe and lamp next to a bust of Shakespeare and stack of books on the desk, UPSTAGE CENTER. DOCTOR BACON picks up his clipboard and pen from the desk, but notices his executive chair is missing. He turns to count three PATIENTS, seated CENTER STAGE, including the culprit who has commandeered his swivel chair.

LORD HAMLET, a clean-shaven man in his late thirties or early forties, seated STAGE RIGHT, is tied fast in a straitjacket. 

LORD MACBETH, a gruff, bearded man in his fifties, seated STAGE LEFT, is also bound in a straitjacket, but with both arms coming loose.

JULIET CAPULET, a college-aged female, seated between the other two PATIENTS, wears a mental ward hospital gown, her stomach wrapped with excessive layers of gauze bandaging that reveal a telltale dark red spot from a stitched-up stab wound. She spins around in DOCTOR BACON'S chair, smoking and laughing, as she blows smoke at LORD MACBETH to her left and LORD HAMLET to her right, next to the empty fourth chair intended for her.

Outside the side door STAGE LEFT, LADY MACBETH, LORD MACBETH's stout, domineering wife in her fifties, paces the hallway, moaning and mumbling to herself.

DOCTOR BACON finds his "NO SMOKING" placard turned face down on his desk. He quickly places it on top of the books. But after taking another look at the three Stooges he has as PATIENTS, he glances back at the sign, then tosses it away.

He straightens his white lab coat and clears his throat, before approaching his anxious PATIENTS, fidgeting in their chairs.

When DOCTOR BACON glares at JULIET CAPULET in disapproval, she offers him the whole cigarette pack. He shrugs it off, shaking his head.

DOCTOR BACON

Welcome, everyone! My name is Dr. Bacon. 

He whispers to JULIET CAPULET.

Excuse me, young lady. But you're sitting in my chair.

JULIET CAPULET offers him a cigarette.

JULIET CAPULET

Are you sure we can't trade?

DOCTOR BACON

No, thanks. You can keep your cancer to yourself. Over there, please!

He points to her chair to the right of LORD HAMLET.

JULIET CAPULET

Okay, if you say so.

JULIET CAPULET nods and swaps the two chairs. She spins and paddles her way over to LORD HAMLET'S right, leaving DOCTOR BACON to sit in her chair instead, which is too small and wobbly. DOCTOR BACON reluctantly takes the seat, and struggles to get comfortable, while the PATIENTS giggle to themselves. LORD HAMLET snorts and LORD MACBETH farts, to crack each other up.

DOCTOR BACON

He clears his throat, again, to regain composure and control of the meeting.

Thank you all for coming here today to our first group therapy session for Survivors of Suicide. And I hope it won’t be our last!

DOCTOR BACON coughs, a bit annoyed. JULIET CAPULET hides the pack of cigarettes behind her back, but keeps smoking in defiance.

Can I have your names, please?

LORD HAMLET

My name is Lord Hamlet. And I’m here because my –

He stops to cough.

LORD MACBETH

Hamlet? Where did you get a name like Hamlet? That sounds rather queer!

LORD HAMLET

No, it’s Danish! And I’m here because of my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, excuse me. After we argued and broke up, she offed herself by jumping off a bridge. Ophelia, poor thing, couldn’t swim too well. Obviously!

DOCTOR BACON gives a nod to each of the group members, after they speak, scribbling notes on his clipboard.

JULIET CAPULET

Ophelia? What kind of name is that? Ophelia? Are you joking?

LORD HAMLET

I'm not kidding. And get this - her brother’s name was Lay-ertes!

LORD MACBETH

Now that’s super queer!

LORD HAMLET and LORD MACBETH nod and laugh in agreement.

DOCTOR BACON

Enough! What’s in a name anyway?

JULIET CAPULET

Yeah, who cares? A jerk by any other name is still a jerk!

DOCTOR BACON

And what is your name, Miss - ?

JULIET CAPULET

Juliet. Capulet.

LORD HAMLET

Oh, sure! Is that a fake stage name or what?

JULIET CAPULET

Shut-up! Lord Piglet. Oinker!

JULIET CAPULET slumps down in her chair. She takes a long drag on her cigarette, then notices DOCTOR BACON frowning in dismay, and tosses it over her shoulder.

I’m here because my newlywed husband, I mean, my ex-newlywed husband, that is. I mean, that was –

DOCTOR BACON

Romeo? Montague?

JULIET CAPULET

She sits up, shocked.

Did you know him? Or see his name in the headlines?

DOCTOR BACON

He tilts and scratches his head, tapping his pen.

Yes, I remember reading his name somewhere, I suppose. I’m fairly well read.

LORD MACBETH

Why? What did he do to become so famous?

JULIET CAPULET

That stupid jerk! He ended the Montague family line over nothing. A simple miscommunication. Poisoned himself, like an idiot! Long story.

DOCTOR BACON

Let me guess. Tragic double-suicide?

LORD HAMLET

Not quite, if she’s still here. Or did you try and fail?

JULIET CAPULET

I didn’t try to fail. The dagger didn’t go in right. Just relocated my navel down a few inches to where my – wait - where’d it go?

LORD MACBETH

Star-crossed losers!

LORD HAMLET tries to sneak a peek beneath her gown, while JULIET CAPULET searches frantically under multiple layers of bandages. Her cigarettes spill out on the floor. LORD HAMLET and LORD MACBETH snicker at her. JULIET CAPULET scowls at them.

DOCTOR BACON

And what about you, Mac?

LORD MACBETH

That’s MacBeth, Lord MacBeth. Thane of Cawdor and future king to be! Or not to be!

LORD MACBETH frees his arm, salutes and slaps himself over the head.

I’m here because of my wife and her delusions of grandeur.

DOCTOR BACON

Did she kill herself, too?

LORD MACBETH

Not yet. But soon, most likely. She’s off her rocker and could snap at any time. So I thought I should start coming to these meetings now, in preparation for the worst.

LADY MACBETH'S voice booms outside the door, echoing through the hallway.

LADY MACBETH

Offstage.

Out! Out! I said! Out! Out! Damned Spot!

DOCTOR BACON

Could that be, or not be, your Lady MacBeth?

LORD HAMLET

Sounds like the caretaker walking the dog!

LADY MACBETH throws open the door and makes her grand entrance in a billowing white nightgown, fit for a queen or a ghost of one, wringing and rubbing her hands.

LADY MACBETH

Sleep no more! To bed! To bed! All the perfume in a whale’s flabby carcass couldn’t sweeten this little hand!

LORD MACBETH

He rolls his eyes.

Obsessive-Compulsive! The hand-cleaning thing. Sorry.

DOCTOR BACON

When did that start?

LORD MACBETH

Shortly after we - I mean - after she got King Duncan killed.

DOCTOR BACON

Murdered a king?

LORD MACBETH

She likes to claim all the credit anyway. Totally delusional! Plotted the whole thing in her head. Before she lost it completely.

LADY MACBETH

I’m not the one with delusions in my head! You’re the one who keeps talking to ghosts!

LORD MACBETH

That ghost is real! Seriously, Dr. Bacon. I channel a spirit named Banquo.

LORD MACBETH pulls out an old Ouija board and tattered Tarot deck, secretly stashed underneath his straitjacket.

Spirits like Banquo talk to me through this Ouija board. And reading Tarot is another ancient hobby I picked up - from three wicked women who taught me a few card tricks. See?

JULIET CAPULET

She jumps up, intrigued.

Cool! Can you get me in contact with Romeo? I’d like to know if he’s been faithful to me, or what that rascal's been up to!

JULIET CAPULET grabs DOCTOR BACON'S clipboard and tosses it out of the way. LORD MACBETH plops the Ouija board in DOCTOR BACON'S lap. Excited, the PATIENTS scoot their chairs around DOCTOR BACON, squirming. LADY MACBETH stands back, crosses her arms, glares and scoffs.

LADY MACBETH

You shouldn't play around with that, it's witchcraft!

LORD HAMLET

Shut-up, Lady! You protest too much!

JULIET CAPULET and LORD MACBETH position their hands on the pointer. The PATIENTS close their eyes and hum. LADY MACBETH gives in to curiosity and leans over to observe.

LORD MACBETH

Romeo? Are you there? Have you been seeing anyone behind Juliet’s back?

LADY MACBETH

She peeks over the PATIENTS, as the pointer begins to move. She reads each letter, confused.

O – P ? H - E – L ? Is that even a word?

LORD HAMLET

Ophelia? That rat has stolen my beloved Ophelia? I’ll clobber that son of a Montague!

LORD HAMLET jumps out of his seat. DOCTOR BACON grabs his arm.

DOCTOR BACON

You can’t kill the guy! He’s already dead! Now sit down, son, before you hurt yourself.

JULIET CAPULET and LORD MACBETH suddenly push the Ouija pointer to the top corner of the board.

LORD MACBETH

Wait. That looks like “NO.” What?

The PATIENTS watch in wide-eyed amazement and horror, as the pointer whips around the board and zigzags across the letters.

JULIET CAPULET/LORD MACBETH

Nec? Nec-ro, Necr-Ophelia.

ALL

Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! Yuck!

Blackout.