By her side

Oh, how you wished you could be at the lake now. You went every year with your best friend and looked up watching stars after a long day in the meadow. But now all it was, was a wish. A faraway dream that you couldn’t quite catch. You thought about it daily. How you felt free, not trapped in your head fearing others. You felt like you were on top of the world. Like no one could puncture the hot air balloon called life. You are now sitting, ten years later, your phone in hand with a box of tissues next to you. Rocking back and forth on your porch facing the endless gardens and fields of flowers and crops. She would love this place, you think. Tears start to make the fields turn into a green blur and soon you are no longer looking at the fields but your palms. You hold your head in your hands shaking and sobbing. Why? Why did you take every moment with her for granted? 

Now you sit here waiting for a call from the hospital. Would she make it? Would you be able to sit next to her and braid her long brown hair? Oh, that’s right she doesn’t have much of that anymore. You check your phone again, 8:30. Almost sunset. You can't look at the sunsets anymore. It reminds you of too many happy memories. You walk inside and into your bedroom and flop onto your bed. You don’t know how much time passes, it’s always dark in your room so the sun can’t tell you anything. You look around your room, the gray walls. Crystals along with tiny fairy lights on your dresser and shelves. Plants of all kinds of colors fill your open surfaces. A tall bookshelf filled with all the books she recommended to you. You couldn't even look at your room without thinking of her. 

You look at your phone for the twentieth time tonight. It buzzes in your hand and you jump up and answer it. Not waiting to see who it is, as soon as you hear the calm voice you know who it is and your heart drops into your stomach. 

“Hello this is Susan from Evergreen Hospital and I am calling to inform you that Ann Carson has made it through the surgery. But she is very weak and can’t talk right now.”

 You sigh, heavy, as all the air in your longs leave your body. You feel you can breathe now, sleep now, and eat now knowing that she didn’t die. 

“Thank you so much for calling and please take good care of her.”

“We will have a nice day.”

“You too.”

The phone hangs up and you are left sitting on your bed. You cry. You don’t know why. Tears of happiness that she made it, relife, maybe, but sadness overfills your heart because she still has to struggle. She had been battling cancer for over three years now. She just went under a surgery that would possibly cure her but there wasn’t a very high survival rate. She took it anyway, and that’s why she will always be so much braver than you. You look at the time realizing it’s late and you decide to go to bed. You dream about being twelve again, free, light, not a care in the world, running through meadow after meadow, field after field. You would give anything to be with her right now. But for weeks you can do nothing but wait. 

You fill your time over the next month or two caring for your gardens and cleaning your house. You try not to think about her but you can’t help but wonder what pain she is going through. You wanted her to feel nothing, no pain, no sadness, you wanted her to be healed. But you knew that only a miracle could save her. You were scared as to what was going to happen once she was gone but it's one of the things where your mind just can’t process it, it was too painful. You wanted to talk to her so bad. Hear her soft voice fragile and sweet. You wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay, you wanted to ward off all the bad things and save her, but how could you do that if you couldn’t even see her? You felt defeated. Defeated? If you were defeated how did she feel, you haven’t been sick for at least four years and she is battling one of the worst sicknesses. How could you be so selfish? You walk into your cottage a basket of fresh vegetables in your hand and lay them on the kitchen counter. You get ready to make some sort of stew for the late summer evening when your phone rings in your pocket. You expect it to be your mom or one of your friends but to your surprise, it’s the hospital? You feel there is something in your throat stopping you from talking and your stomach feels like a bottomless pit. 

“Hello”

You say your voice quivering.

“Hello is this Roze?”

“Yes”

“We have called to tell you about Ann’s progress.”

There was a sudden pause that made you antsy to move.

“We have seen significant progress in her health and think that she is definitely on her way to being cancer-free! Then again we don’t want to jinx it but we are still hopeful. She has to go through many more treatments and therapy but she has been wishing something this entire time and we think it's only fair to her to grant that as she has come such a long way. She wishes for tomorrow to go down to the Hillside meadow and lake with you at six o’clock. Are you free then?”

Without even thinking twice about your answer.

“Of course shall I meet her there or at the hospital?”

You cringe at saying hospital but regardless you get it out.

“Oh, the meadow will be fine.”

“Okay tell her I am very excited to see her!”

“I will, bye-bye”

You put your phone down and can finally breathe. Oh, how you dreamed of this day for years! She must have too if it's where she wished to go. You knew you had to be there. That night you laid out your prettiest sundress with white sandals and a brown belt. You were so excited you almost couldn’t sleep. You woke up the next morning to the sweet songs of the morning birds and for the first time in months light poured in from your now open windows. You got up and had your porridge and sat and watched the sun come up. Over the village downtown, the endless fields, and the trees, the trees so tall it seems impossible. The yellow sun floating like a bright balloon all the way lighting up the dark sky, turning it as bright as the smile when you saw her. 

“Ann!”

“Roze!”

You race over to her at a steady pace until you break into a sprint. She was weak, fragile, delicate but as soon as you hugged her she seemed strong. Her pale face seemed to regain color and her smile crept to her high beautiful cheekbones. She was stunning. She had put on a wig of pink hair with a straw floppy hat finished with a flower in it. She had a yellow flowy dress that flattered her tall figure. She was wobbly as she walked with you hand in hand. But you didn’t mind walking slowly as long as you could walk with her. You went to all of your usual spots. Walking in the meadow picking wildflowers to put into each other’s hair. There was a large oak tree you tried to put your hands around but between both of your wingspans, you couldn’t wrap them around it. You reached into your pocket and take out an old pocket knife. It had a wood handle and a sharp point.

“Close your eyes I have a surprise.”

You say turning her around to face the meadow.

“Okay be quick I promise not to peak.”

You turn to the large oak and start to carve into its wood. It was old, must have been, it was still very large when you were little so carving into it was not too hard. When you finished you went to turn her around.

“Okay, you can look.”

“Oh, Roze”

She started looking at the two initials, A+R, inside a perfect heart. 

“It’s our tree.”

She said. You could see her blue eyes welling up with tears. You walk over to her and put your arm around her tucking her in close. She leaned her head onto your shoulder. You tangle your hand into her soft hair. She then pulls away and walks towards the tree. She puts her hand on the heart making her fingers, small and boney, trace the carvings. You walked over to her and put your hand on hers. She stays there silent for a while before she turns around and hugs you. It was warm, sweet, and nice, it was normal. Oh, how you forgot how good her hugs were. You used to get them every day and then the hospital swept her up into its grasps and now she was hanging onto life in the hospital instead of hanging on to you. It felt so good you didn’t want it to stop. Eventually, you two pulled away. She looked into your eyes like she was looking for an answer. 

She then laughed and turned away still holding onto your hand as she led you through the meadow. And out onto the soft grass near the lake. There was a pile of wood off to the side of a fire pit. You didn’t even need to ask her what she wanted to do next because you could just read each other’s minds at this point. You walked over to the fire and sat her down on a log. You started to build a fire the way you would do every summer. You lit a lighter and then lit the newspaper. The kindling caught on and soon so did the logs. It erupted into a blaze of orange and yellow. It started to calm down and you sat down on the log next to her. You wrapped your arms around her and kissed her forehead. The two of you were so close it was like you were sisters. 

Most people use that phrase in the wrong way. They used it to represent their friendship. But you can only call one another sisters once you have been friends years upon years, gone through breakups together, gone through the toughest times in our lives, and then battled the unimaginable. Only then can you call one another sisters. Only once you could walk into their families’ house without notice and it not be weird. Only once you loved each other. And you did. The fire is warm and it heats the two of you making the cool night comfortable. 

“You're getting better right?”

“As long as I keep fighting, this battle will end. For good.”

“Please keep fighting, I need you, and I want you.”

“As long as I live I will keep fighting for you.”

You felt comforted by her words like you knew she was telling the truth.

“Look!”

You both turn to look out at the lake as you see a bald eagle flying swooping down onto a tree. You have never felt more like the bird than ever. Free, happy, content. You were with the person you loved and you were enjoying every second of it. You both looked out at the lake watching it ripple, the few fish popping up here and there. The beautiful sailboats start to come into view. Their sails all kinds of colors, blue, green, red, orange, some even had rainbow sails. You heard the wind making the trees sway and your long blond hair flowing behind you. 

 The sun started to set and the sky turned shades you couldn’t even describe. Pastel colors including, a rosy pink, butter yellow, sky blue, lavender, all of these colors blended so wonderfully making up the beautiful sky. 

The sun orange and heavy sets over the mountains leaving you two in partial darkness. You grab her hand and lead her over to a blanket conveniently placed where you could look up without trees blocking the sky. You both lie down on the soft blanket and pick up the s’mores on a plate next to you. You dig into the gooey treat and it just melts in your mouth. You see that next to you Ann has already got some in her hair and is savoring the delicious treat. The two of you enjoy your smores as the sky turns dark and pockets of stars start to appear lighting up the endless darkness. You look over and can see that Ann has eaten all the smores.

“Hungry where ya?”

“Oh, sorry I haven’t been able to have much tasty food.”

“You're fine, celebrate the first time being out in years.”

“Oh, you have a little,”

You go to wipe a bit of marshmallow off the side of her lip as she stares into your eyes. She has the same expression in her eyes as last time, a sense of questioning like she was looking for an answer but this time you give her an answer. Without thinking, or stopping to make sure it’s right you lean into her lips. It was soft but passionate, sweet but, no just sweet. It filled you up with a warm feeling like a fire was being lit inside of you, a door opening maybe, the door to where you will devote the rest of your life to. You pull away and look at her face. She looked surprised but happy. 

“Well, that was nice.”

She says laughing, turning to look back at the lake. Her face looked like how you felt. You felt, content, happy, you felt warm and fuzzy, but there was a passionate part to it too. You watched her face. Every blink, twitch, sigh. She was beautiful the more you looked at her. Her face was soft smooth, with no wrinkles, eyes bright, big, and clear. All she had to do was look at you with those enchanting eyes and your heart melted. You noticed her face started to fall, signs of concern washed over her. 

“What’s on your mind?”

You say turning your body to face hers. 

“What if I don’t make it? Then what? I have always dreamed of this day, and all of the future days I want to spend with you, but what happens, then what, do you just move on, how can I ensure you will be okay?”

“Don’t think like that. You are strong, brave, and you will get through this, no, we will get through this. 

You grab her hands and pull her close.

“The doctors say you are on the path to recovery. I will be devastated if you leave me because I want to spend the rest of my days with you until I grow old. But if you give it everything and I help you with everything then I know that we did all that we can, but if you do not give a fight then I don’t know if I can live with myself.”

“Okay.”

She looks at you and then leans against your chest. You stay like this for minutes, you stroke her back, calming her, while you listen to her raspy breaths. 

“Hey look.”

You turn her around to look at the stars in the sky. You point to a constellation you see.

“If you connect the stars it makes…”

“A heart.”

She finishes the sentence for you. She then takes your face in her hands. She kisses your lips and you fall onto your back. You hold her tightly, your arm around her shoulders, laying your head on her shoulders. She then abruptly gets up and starts running around. You chase after her running around the grass, barefoot. She wasn’t nearly as fast as she was when she was twelve and on the track team but you played along (she was still pretty fast.) All through the night you chase one another, eat smores, and watch the stars. You feel like your twelve again. You felt happy for the first time in years. 

You wished the moment would never end, but what seemed like as soon as the day started the sun started to rise. You lie down cuddled up next to her, feeling her breath on your neck. You watched her fall asleep. You felt you needed to protect her like if maybe you protected her while she slept she would be safe. But you knew the only way to protect her was to be with her. After that day, when you went home you knew what you had to do. No later than a week you were back in the hospital, being there while she took her medicine, went through therapy sessions, and guarded her. 

You knew this was how you wanted to live the rest of your life. With her, by her side, loving her. Your new you would grow old with her and eventually she would get better. Better enough for you to propose, better enough to get married, better enough to have your first kid, better enough to watch your family grow, better enough to love. You and Ann would be better enough to love one another. Because you already were. She didn’t need to be cancer-free for you to know that.