Love Lockdown

Love Lockdown

I live alone in my solitary and uninspired flat. Plain, cream coloured walls with one single movie poster displayed above my bed. The only company I have is my small house plant that sits on my coffee table. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten into the habit of whispering to it as I water it and, even recently, just talking it when I get out of bed. It is nice to hear a real voice, even it is just my own. It has been painfully quiet in this room. I have taken for granted all the visitors that used to pester me. Even my old Auntie who sometimes visited for a cuppa and would spend hours sat in one of the armchairs chatting endlessly for hours. She is old and has not dared step out of her house for fear of catching the virus. I miss her endless nattering now. I could give her a call but, it’s not just the same.

I didn’t take the situation seriously at first. When I heard about the virus and its persistent spread across the globe, I naively assumed it would not be a big deal for us. These sorts of things do not happen to this country and never in our lifetime. There were excited conversations in the office about it which I found ridiculous. Fantasies along the lines of zombie apocalypse style situations being just around the corner. This irritated me. However, I felt, I definitely was not expecting an actual global pandemic. Or a lockdown. I will admit, with a small amount of shame, that there was an initial sense of relief that I would not have go to the office for a while. Stupidly, I thought it would only last a month. Now, three months in, I am still on furlough and I miss those stupid conversations about zombies and whatever inane topics the office cronies would harper on about on a daily basis. What I especially miss is romantic company. Three months before all of this, my girlfriend broke up with me. I had not been that upset about it at the time but, been trapped in between these four walls for an excruciatingly long time has given me a lot of unwanted time to ponder on our relationship and why Penelope, my ex, had broken up with me. I started to grow increasingly self-conscious. Was I physically unattractive? I certainly was no Adonis but, I used to think I was at least OK. However, now I start to notice certain flaws in my facial structure and my body that make me definitely think that I am less than OK. Or maybe I was simply hard to date. I have been drunk on several occasions and have been tempted to contact her and ask her these to confirm her reasoning however, I withheld. I do not want to that guy. The clingy ex. The psychopath. I will leave it and let it burn into my mind forever. At least, that was what I thought I would do until, out of the blue, Penelope contacted me!

She was first just asking me how I was. I decided not to get my hopes too high yet. She probably just had time to think during lockdown and was feeling guilty about breaking it off. We started texting back and forth for a while. Her lockdown was Ok, but she missed seeing her little sister and her friends. She joked about drinking too much now and not eating properly. Eventually, we got onto the topic of dating. She mentioned that she had been on a couple of dates, but nothing felt the same. I quizzed her on this.

“What do you mean it doesn’t feel the same?”

“Well...doesn’t feel as good as when we were together you know?”

I had to reread this text several times before it would register. My heart was racing, and my hands were starting to sweat. All the foul words that used to race around my mind whenever I thought about her after the breakup were suddenly dissipating and being replaced by angelic visions and kind sentiments.

I had to milk it a little bit. I told her I could not consider jumping back into a relationship so soon. I informed her that I was absolutely heartbroken and described my misery with as much poetic misery as I could possibly muster. I was eventually on an emotional par with Slyvia Plath. At least, over text I was. I decided not to take it too far. I did not want to her to think I was overly sensitive and put her off again. If I can recall, she often said I was too sensitive and that this was a hindrance in our relationship. So, I told her I had missed her too. I said I had dated people too since our breakup however, this was a lie. Not, because I was still devoted to her, but, the opportunity had just not arisen yet. I had tried it one with a girl in a night club but, I got rebuked. Unsurprising really, I am probably repulsive when I am intoxicated. Anyway, I told Penelope It had not felt the same either. I had wanted to message her but did not realise she still would have felt the same.

We text each other frequently over the next week. Spoke about what we would do when we met up again. Dates we would go on, movies we would watch together. She asked me to provide her with five qualities about herself that I liked. With a guilty conscience, I ignored this text message for a prolonged period of time so I could contemplate this. Five qualities about her. This should not be hard. Beautiful Penelope. She has an endless supply of amazing qualities. Maybe, it just the pressure of being placed on the spot. I pondered over these features well into the afternoon and eventually I text her back. I apologise for the delay and said my phone was on “do not disturb” and I had only just seen the message. But I told her, five qualities was an easy task. She had striking blue eyes, she could take a joke like the lads, she had nice legs, she was emotionally intelligent, and she was interested in interesting things. I had to have a google browse of good qualities that people possess. I also thought about qualities that I liked, and I would want in myself. But I think Penelope possessed all these qualities.

We were together less than a year. We went through a long stage of complete dependency on each other’s company. We saw each other nearly everyday and stayed with each other nearly every night. We did not do anything particularly romantic. Mostly, we just stayed indoors and watched TV shows until way too late into the night. This seemed perfect for a brief period of time. Eventually, like every perfect thing that has ever existed, this soured. Our relationship was like a carton of milk. It started of fresh and tasty, wanted. But, it had been left untended for too long. When it was finally reopened, it had gone abhorrently foul, attacking the olfactory and visual senses. Then, it was discarded in the bin. Penelope discarded our relationship that quickly. This thought lingered in the back of my mind as we carried on texting each other. I was responding with happy and loving messages. Simultaneously, the memories of the negative aspects of our prior relationship grew stronger. I recalled times when she would berate me for trivial things. She threatened to end it right there and then when I liked a girl’s photo on Facebook. This was despite the fact I had known the girl for years and she was one hundred percent lesbian. I should not focus on the negative. We both did not try hard enough and now we have an opportunity to try harder.

We texted nearly every day for two weeks and we even spoke about having a virtual date. Things were going well, albeit slightly forced. I almost started to forget that this was a girl I used to share a bed with. She felt like someone new. Someone from a dating app I did not know very well and I we were trying to impress each other with hyperboles. On the third week, it went silent. Neither of us had messaged the other.

A few days passed and still, neither of us had bothered to check up with the other. I decided it might be best to leave it for a while. I was not entirely convinced getting back with an ex was the best idea. Especially considering she dumped me so abruptly last time. Also, I could not hide from the fact that she was not particularly kind to me when we were dating. I got drunk one evening and decided to message her. We spoke for a bit, but I could tell she was disinterested. I asked her why she had bothered to reach out if she clearly did not want to reignite our relationship. She said she had got lonely during lockdown and she had missed me but maybe they were moving too fast. She wanted to see if we could pause and then go on some dates when the lockdown ended. I told her I thought she was a toxic bitch and I don’t know why I considered getting back with her in the first place. She was awful to date and I was miserable throughout most of our relationship. She told me she was out of my league and that I should have felt lucky even having that year with her. The last message I sent to her was that I had cheated on her with someone prettier. This was a lie, but I wanted to hurt her and knew I did not have anything to say that could have wounded her. She was fiercely competitive and narcissistic. Thinking she had been cheated on would cripple her emotionally. I did not wait for a response to the message. I blocked her number and then went to bed.

I woke up hungover. It took me a while to remember the events of last night. At first, I felt a wave of regret. There was no way that we would rekindle our love for each other now. But then, I realised there was any love between us anyway. In reality, I was relived we were not getting back together. I did not handle it the right way this time, but I think back to some of the things she used to say and do. I could text and apologise. Instead, I roll over and go back to sleep.