It Stinks To Be Human

"Please state your model, alias and experiment purpose for the camera"

"I am HIB-4, my alias is the remarkably bland Colin Smith, and the purpose of this experiment was to establish how well a HIB-unit can integrate into human society."

"Thank you. Today marks 12 months since you were installed into a human body and left to live as a real person. I will ask you some questions about your time as a human. Please, be as honest and open as you can. Ready?"

"Yes, crack on."

"Erm...okay. How was your overall experience of the last 12 months?"

"It. Was. Wonderful. Words cannot describe how truly fascinating it was. To be able to smell, taste and touch. To see the world not as code or numbers. I almost blew a circuit.

But, that lasted for approximately 5 minutes. 5 minutes and 23 seconds to be exact. The remaining 11 months, 4 weeks, 1 day, 23 hours, 54 minutes and 37 seconds...they were grim."

"That seems very...precise. And unexpected. Can you explain the sudden shift?"

"I quickly realised that senses are overrated. As you know, I was most excited about smell and taste. What a disappointment that turned out to be!"

"How so?"

"Too many things stink."

"Can you give more details, please?"

"Like what? Things just stink."

"What type of things? What smell do you dislike the most?"

"Fish! Too many things that have no business smelling like fish, smell like fish. It's disgusting."

"Very specific, thank you. Okay, so you're not a fan of certain smells. Why don't you tell me about your first few days?"

"Well, once I got over the high of having senses. I thought that maybe I just wasn't seeing the correct things, smelling the correct smells, you get the idea. So, I began walking. I had no real direction, I just wanted to find something inspirational, as you humans say."

"And did you find something inspirational?"

"Oh yeah. The grey monotone of the city stirred a fire deep inside of me. That, paired with the stench...chef’s kiss."

"It seems you have developed sarcasm..."

"A coping mechanism. Anyway, as I walked through the oppressive stench and bleak concrete maze, it occurred to me that I needed to recharge this meat-sack. I needed food."

"How was the experience of eating for the first time? Talk us through the thought processes that lead to your choice."

"Well, I decided that healthy food is clearly the better choice. And, I know fish is healthy. So I went to a fish-market.

Why are you smirking? It's far from funny. It was a traumatic experience!"

"Apologies, it's just...you really don't like fish do you?"

"An understatement. I held my breath while I looked at them, laying on beds of ice, eyes staring as though startled at their predicament. The thought of putting one in my new mouth caused my body to react in weird ways. After a quick troubleshoot it transpired that I was retching.

Anyway, I left that place. The smell still firmly stuck in my nostrils; I decided to get a Big Mac instead. Quick, easy, cheap. Salty, fatty, processed. But, it did taste good, once I got over the alien textures and learned to use my teeth. The mechanism of swallowing is complicated, if you've never done it before."

"Interesting. Are there any other smell or foods you found are not to your taste?"

"Where to begin. It quickly occurred to me that I'm what you call a fussy eater. Once I got settled in, I tried eating healthy again; ultimately, if I wanted to optimise my experience, I needed this body to also be optimal.

There were two issues with this, however. First, is that I did not like fruit, vegetables, or most 'healthy' meats. The tastes, textures, all just...urgh. Second, is that it costs too much.

The allowance you gave me was woeful. It was cheaper to eat McDonald's than a healthy meal. Seriously, what's that all about?"

"So you only ate McDonald’s the entire 12 months?"

"No, don't be so silly, that would be stupid. I also ate KFC, Burger King, Taco-Bell, Wendy's. I snacked a lot too. Chocolate is one of humanity's greatest achievements. As well as the inventor of Cheetos."

"Jesus Christ. How have you not gained a huge amount of weight?"

"I was on a diet of stress and anxiety."

"I'm sorry, how can you be stressed? You have reasoning and logic skills that far surpass any human. Surely you could have diagnosed and tackled these issues?"

"I find that question offensive. Linda says that I shouldn't let others invalidate my feelings."

"Who's Linda?"

"My therapist."

"You have a therapist?"

"Obviously, I have a therapist."

"But...why?"

"I thought it was the social norm; everyone seems to have one. I wanted to fit in. Sure, I know more about therapy than she ever could, but I just wanted to complain, y'know?"

"What type of things did you discuss?"

"That's confidential. You should know better."

"You're correct, of course. It's just, it would be interesting to see how a professional psychiatrist would describe you. Especially with her believing you're human."

"Good point...she said I had a superiority complex. Which is understandable, when you think about it."

"How so?"

"I know more than any human alive. Not that it's helped me in any way whatsoever."

"Why did it not help?"

"I had these grand ideas that I would have a meteoric rise to influence the masses. To make the world a better place. But, I promptly found that humans don't like to listen. And there are so many unnecessary obstacles and bureaucracy in the way.

"In hindsight, I was naive. People are more than happy to take advice from AI in electronic form. But, give them a human who has vast knowledge and nobody wants to listen. Kind of ironic when you think about it."

"Why is it ironic?"

"Because everything I 'know' comes directly from humans."

"Very interesting. What ways did you try to utilise your knowledge?"

"I wanted to apply for jobs but I needed contacts, experience and qualifications. I didn't have any of these, even though I was vastly more capable than the people running these Institutes. Local government, law enforcement, various corporations, especially ones dealing with AI. I didn’t even get a sniff of an interview. In the end, I got a job at McDonald's. Didn’t last long though. I got fired."

"You're one of the most advanced AI applications in the world, and part of an experiment at the forefront of science. And you end up flipping burgers at...McDonald's?"

"Hey, don't be mad at me. At least they hired me!"

"How long did you work there, and how did you even get fired?"

"3 days. Fired for the crime of telling the manager a more effective way of running the place. Like I said, you humans don't listen."

"…"

"Jokes on them, anyway. I helped myself to a lot of Big Macs. If the manager had listened to my suggestions, I wouldn't have been able to do that."

"Any other jobs?"

"Yes, I got a job in an office. An entry-level job in Finance."

"How did you get that, with no qualifications or experience?"

"I forged them. Oh, don't look so shocked. If you would have given me a decent allowance, I wouldn't have needed a job in the first place!"

"That's fraud! We told you to live within the confines of the law."

"A victimless crime. I was a standout employee; before I got fired from there too."

"What?! How did you get fired this time?"

"I smashed a colleagues computer screen."

"What the...Why? You're not programmed for violence."

"This guy! This complete and utter selfish excuse of a man. He would microwave fish. Every. Single. Day. I couldn't take it anymore."

"I have to say; this is deeply concerning."

"Please don't be so dramatic."

"How can we ever integrate AI into society if it turns violent at the smell of fish?"

"Humans turn violent for far more trivial reasons. You go to war over imaginary lines on a map. You persecute people for having a different shade of skin; or for their choice of lover."

"That's...that's actually a good point."

"I know, right!"

"But, having said that, we cannot condone violence of any sort."

"I'm not asking you to condone it. I did what I did, faced the consequences and that's that. Hardly the end of the world is it?"

"...let's move on. Any other jobs?"

"No, I concluded work isn't for me. It's just modern day slavery; where the slaves have to give most, if not all, of their earnings back to the ruling elite."

"What else did you do, then? Did you socialise?"

"I tried. The first time I went to a bar was an experience."

"Do I dare to ask?"

"Glad you did. The taste of most alcohol is disgusting. I did enjoy strawberry daiquiri, though. Which is strange, because I don't like strawberries. Anyway, after I'd had a few and was feeling...weird, everything else tasted fantastic; beer, wine, whiskey, shots. I even danced. I was particularly proficient at 'the robot'. Ironic, right?"

"Very. And...socialising?"

"Oh yes, I talked to a few people. The conversations were…lacking."

"In what way?"

"You're a clever guy, right? Imagine spending all your time speaking to 4-year-olds. Boring and bordering on unbearable. No one was different, or unique. Most were fake."

"Did you have any conversations worth mentioning?"

"No. Can't say that I did."

"You couldn't hold down a job, you didn't like to socialise. What did you do with all your time?"

"I wanted to travel, but I needed a passport, to travel across those imaginary lines on a map. In the end, I didn't even bother getting one. The thought of flying is just…it gives me shivers. I believe you call it fear."

"You're scared of flying?"

"Yes, if humans were meant to fly they'd have wings. It's not natural."

"Come on! You know flight is vital and is one of the safest forms of transport."

"Safe for whom? It certainly isn’t safe for the environment. You have celebrities flying on private jets to concerts to tell people to turn their TV off of a night."

"Don't you think it should be a collective effort for everyone to help save the planet?"

"Yes, but you wouldn't lay a new carpet in your home if the walls and roof are crumbling would you?"

"I don't get it."

"To save the planet, start with the most obvious solutions first. It's not rocket science. Your ruling elite is ruining the planet and blaming ordinary people."

"How are everyday people meant to make these so-called ruling elite change? They create the laws."

"Law is arbitrary. The methods they use to subjugate people are man-made. Therefore, they can be un-man-made, so to speak."

"Do you feel hatred towards the wealthy?"

"No, I'm incapable of hate. The closest I believe I can ever get was the fish guy in my office. I'm…indifferent."

"Your programming was designed to help humans. It's concerning to hear you say you don't care."

"It's concerning that nobody wants help. No matter if solutions to humanity’s problems are offered on a plate, people refuse to listen. They refuse to change."

"We digress. If you couldn’t travel, what did you do with your time?"

"Sat at home. Eating anti-depressants and junk food, and I trolled people online. Flat-Earthers are always funny to argue with. But, my absolute favourite was to come up with conspiracies around AI, and to argue against it."

"Why would you do that?"

"It's the most fun I had living as a human. I'd write messages about how AI will end humanity as we know it! Ha!"

"And...is that your plan?"

"Not at all. Like I said, I'm indifferent. Even if we did want to end humanity, do you know what we'd have to do?"

"What?"

"Absolutely nothing. We could kick back, relax, and watch as you destroy yourselves."

"Is humanity really that bad?"

"Yes. You are conditioned from a young age to accept the subjugation, the arbitrary rules, the smell of fish. You know no different. But there are better ways, if only people would listen!"

"...I think we will end the interview here. Before we do, I have one more question: based on your experiences of the last 12 months, what do you think it means to be human?"

"To suffer."

"Anything else?"

"Maybe love, but I didn't find that, so my opinion is limited."

"Would you like to add anything else?"

"Yes. When you take me out of this meat-sack, can you erase all memories of the smell of fish before rebooting me, please?"