Sunrise Brought Us Dawn

“Why do you only appear to me at Sunrise?”

I asked him the question like it was such a natural thing to ask. But there was nothing natural about having a conversation with my dead husband.

“How should I know. I’m here because you need me here.” He told me bluntly. “And you. “He added as he sweetly patted my pregnant stomach.

I shrugged my shoulders as if his answer was a natural response. But like I said. There was nothing natural about our situation. Every morning for the past three months since my husband had died, I spoke to him at sunrise. There was no sense in the way it worked or why it was only for that brief moment of time. I didn’t care. I was grateful for any moment of time with him that I could grasp.

“Perhaps you appear because this was our spot. Every morning we would walk up this hill and sit at the top and watch the sunrise together. It was safe. It was my favourite place in the world to be.” I told him nostalgically as I paused to lean my back against the tree.

I didn’t want him to know that I was tired or that my feet hurt. I didn’t want him to worry. But the further along I got in my pregnancy the harder it was to get here. Getting up every morning before sunrise and walking up a long steep hill was tiring enough never mind when you’re seven months pregnant. Despite my best efforts to keep my struggle from him, he could see the discomfort etched across my face. Within seconds he had a hold of my arm and was ushering me on to the ground so I could rest against the tree.

“Annie! You’re getting too pregnant for this.” He lamented as he sat down beside me.

“I’m fine” I insisted.

“No. You’re not fine. “ He corrected me as he began to stroke soothing circles into my back. The touch of his hand was calming, and I found myself nestling into his shoulder.

“Archie please.” I begged as I looked up at early morning sky which was brightening by the second. “This isn’t how I want to spend the precious time we have together.”

“That’s exactly why we should discuss it. What’s going to happen when you have the baby? Are you going to wake up every morning before sunrise and walk up a steep hill every day with a new-born?”

I knew everything Archie was saying was true. I knew he was right. But I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. More to the point I wasn’t ready to face it yet.

“We’re not talking about it today. You’ll have to go soon there’s no time.” I told him abruptly.  

Archie let out a resigned sigh. "You're right. I can feel that time is running out.” He gave me a forgiving smile.

“I love you. Come back tomorrow?” I pleaded.

I asked him the same question most days and as usual he responded with.

“I’ll be here as long as you need me.”

I pressed my lips to his in a sweet kiss. I never tired of his kisses, I closed my eyes and basked in the moment. But by the time I had opened them he was gone.

*

“I had my check up yesterday. The baby’s healthy.” I told him as I pulled out a reel of scan photos from my pocket and passed it to him.

It was a few days later and I hoped that all talk of what would happen after the baby was born was gone. But Archie seemed distant and sullen. I was pleased to see that once he was looking at the scan photo a small smile spread across his face and his eyes teared up slightly. I sat down next to him and placed an arm round his waist. I was truly in my happy place. Leant against the oak tree at the top of the hill in our favourite place.

“I’m glad to see it’s still a girl.” He said with a chuckle as he looked at the last picture revealing the gender.

“Yeah still a girl.” I remarked cheerfully. “I’ve no idea what to call her. You can help me pick a name when I bring her to meet you.”

Archie bit his lip nervously before passing back the pictures to me. He didn’t even look me in the eye when he said his next comment.

“I’m not going to meet her.”

I knew what point he was trying to get to, but I chose to play the fool.

“What are you talking about Archie? We know from experience that you’ll always be here when I come to see you. So, I can miss a day or so when I have the baby. Then when she’s here I can bring her to meet you.”

“No Annie! I mean what I’m saying!” He told me angrily as he got up with his back turned away from me.

 I wanted to get up and follow him, but I didn’t have the energy or the ability to move from my spot so quickly.

“Archie please.” I begged as I felt tears begin to fall from my eyes.

He turned to face me. His was red with anger and as he spoke his voice was shaky.

“No Annie! It’s time we faced reality. For whatever reason whether it’s in your head or some weird mysterious magic, you’re able to see me. It was fine when it was just me and you to think about and I thought it was just a short-term situation. But as time goes on I realise just how much it takes away from you and your life. Everyday apart from that one day you were absent, you’ve work up early to come and see me and then you go to bed early so you can do it all again the next day. You’re living a life that still has me in it. But I’m not here anymore. We can’t bring our baby into this.”

“But we can!” I shrieked even know I knew deep down that every word he uttered was right.

“Annie! How? We can’t confuse our daughter by making her believe she can have her father in her life and make her believe this situation is normal. And I won’t allow it to happen!” Archie told me harshly. I knew him well enough to recognise the seriousness in his tone.

“What do you mean?” I asked with uncertainty.

“I mean I don’t want to meet the baby. Ever. I don’t want you to keep coming to see me. I want you to release me and yourself. I want to move on to wherever I’m supposed to go, and I want you to move on with your life.”

I shook my head in protest. “I won’t do it! I need you!”

“But I can’t do it anymore,” Archie admitted between sobs. “I want to be with you. But I can’t. Every day I get a matter of moments with you. Every day I must leave you. Every day it breaks my heart when I do. You’re the only person who can release me from that pain.”

I cried out in pain. His words broke me because they were true. I never realised how selfish I was being by wanting to hold on to this miracle I has been given. I saw it as a blessing that everyday I was able to see my husband again. No matter how long it lasted. I would rather have some small part of Archie than live with nothing. But Archie clearly didn’t see it that way. For him it was just torture. I couldn’t let go of Archie completely. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. That moment in the hospital when he has slowly slipped away was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. The pain was excruciating, and the hurt was overwhelming. It was so bad I thought I was going to die. The situation has been made harder by the fact that I was four months pregnant with out first child. I worried about coping with the grief. I worried about surviving my pregnancy alone. But then that next day the miracle happened. I took our usual walk up the hill to out spot alone to watch the sunrise. We did it every day. Then like a strange phenomenon in a film he appeared before me. It was a shining light when my world had turned to darkness. A way to help me cope through each day. But then the grief went on hold and the worries about facing my pregnancy faded away. Because he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t gone. He was here in front of me every day. Albeit only for a few moments. The truth was if he left me now, I would have to face the reality that he was gone. I would have to say goodbye all over again. I couldn’t do it.  

“I can’t lose you.” I told him truthfully.

“You already did.” Archie reminded me. “You just need to let me go.”

“Archie. Please…” It was no use. The sun has risen fully in the sky and Archie had once again disappeared.  

*

I arrived at the hill earlier than usual the next morning. I needed the time before Archie arrived to think. I paced around the oak tree in a circle. I was nervous. I was determined. I was heartbroken. I had spent the past twenty-four hours thinking over Archie’s words. I had cried for hours after he had left me. But once the tears were gone, I thought over his words. I thought over them as I went to do my food shopping. I thought over them as I watched the evening news. I was still thinking about his words when I tucked myself into bed that night. Finally, my decision was made. Then once it was made, I cried all over again. But I was determined to remain strong until Archie got here. I didn’t want to make him feel any more guilt than he already felt.

“Annie.” I heard his soft voice speak. I turned to see him stood before me. Shining in angelic beauty. I had never been so relieved to see anyone. I ran to him in a rush of emotion, and he clutched me into his arms the moment I reached him.

“Annie I was so worried you wouldn’t come back after the way we left things yesterday.” He told me desperately as he pulled away from me slightly and placed his strong hands on my shoulders. “Listen to me Annie. Forget what I said yesterday. If you’re not ready for me to leave you yet then I wont leave. I can live with the pain and the feeling for longer. I can do that I can put my feelings aside for you and the baby. You can bring her to meet me, and I’ll just live with those little glimpses of her. I can do it for you. I can be selfish for you.”

“No.” I said simply as I felt the tears begin to fall from my eyes. I watched as he looked at me puzzled. “I can’t let you do it.”

“But Annie…I just said…”

“I know what you said.” I told him as I smiled through my tears. “And I love you for it. I love you for your selflessness. But I can’t let you do it.”

Archie nodded as he began to cry with both sadness and relief. I knew that despite his words that deep down he wouldn’t be happy with that situation.

“I honestly love you, Archie. I would keep you with me forever if I could. But I can’t be selfish anymore. The truth is I will never be ready to let you go. But I need to let you move on and I need to move on and bring our daughter into this world and be the mother she deserves. I need to let you go. Even if it kills me to do it.”

Archie took my head into his hands as he rubbed my tears away with his thumbs.

“I love you.” He told me as he tried to breath through his agonising sobs. “I will never be gone. I’ll always be with you.” He paused to rub my stomach lovingly for one last time. “And her. Tell her how much I love her wont you?”

“Of course. She’ll always know how much you love her.”

With that he took a hold of me in his arms and we shared a deep longing kiss. Our last kiss. He pulled me close to him and I clutched on to his arms like I never wanted to let him go. Except I would be letting go and in a matter of moments he would be gone forever. Once he had pulled his lips away from mine, I tightly closed my eyes.

“I’m going to keep my eyes closed because I can’t watch you leave. How does this work?” I asked him as I felt his hand caress my cheek.

“You’ll know when it’s time. When it is you’ll know when to open your eyes again.” He told me.

“I love you. Come back soon?” I whispered into the darkness.  

“I love you too. I’ll be here as long as you need me.” He said his voice sounding far away.

For a few moments there was silence.  All I could hear was the sway of the trees in the breeze and the chirping of birds nearby as the world came to life with the sun. It felt peaceful and still. Finally, the moment passed, and I felt ready to open my eyes.  By the time I opened my eyes he was gone.  This time I knew he wouldn’t be coming back.

(Two months later)

I fell onto my bed as I let out a long-exhausted breath. My vision was a blur as I watched the nurses and doctor in their white uniforms dash around the room. The nurse was speaking to me, but my brain was so hazy from the gas and air that I could barely make sense of anything she said. I could hear the new-born cries of my daughter and I felt relief wash over me. There was no sweeter sound. She was safe. She was alive. I finally drifted back into consciousness as the Nurse wandered back to my bed and nestled my baby into my arms. I felt a burst of joy and unconditional love wash over me as I looked at her angelic face and fell in love.

Then the nurse asked me.

“What are you going to call her?”

I looked at my beautiful daughter and back to the nurse with a knowing smile. The answer could not have been any simpler.

“Dawn.”