Paying the Bills

“I’ll sue you for everything you’re worth” she always diverted to threats you see.

“Do you want to be sued? Do you want to go to court for this?” Also, rhetorical questions. “I have my lawyer on speed dial, and 911 is only 3 numbers!” And more threats.

The conversation started simple enough at first. “Good morning, How can I help you today?” the smiling bank employee asked.

“Hi, I’d like to know my balance and access my account,” the response, cordial enough. But not genuine enough. I didn’t know if I trusted her. But the banker speaks to hundreds of people every week, almost none with genuine smiles. None with authentic conversation. It’s the same repeated pleasantries. It’s a game people play to keep a balanced perception of power, dominance, humility, approachability and pleasantry. With a subtle side of ‘if you don’t help me with what I need I’ll make your day very difficult.’

The banker didn’t seem put off by the response and so neither was I.

“I can help you with that. Can I just have your bank card?”

“I don’t have it.”

“Oh, did you lose it? I can issue you a new one.”

“No I just don’t have it with me. I don’t want a new one.”

“Okay well if you answer some security questions I can access your account and help you.”

“What security questions?”

“Questions like what is your address, birth date.”

“123 madeup lane..”

“-actually it’s a few questions, at least 5”

“I don’t want to give you all of that information, I don’t feel comfortable”

There were no feelings of discomfort. Not even inconvenience, and not yet frustration. But still no intention to answer any such questions.

“Without a bank card or security questions I cant access your account.”

“Ok fine then issue me a new card and I’ll use that one”

“To issue a new card I’d need you to answer security questions.”

“This is a joke, I know you can see my account. All you need is my name, you don’t need anything else.”

The banker, normally calm and collected, did not have the patience this particular day. No one knows why this was so. If it was problems in her relationship, family, finances. We don’t know. Dissatisfaction with her job, low blood sugar, boredom? But this particular day a normally pleasant problem-solver was ready to stand her ground.

“All right well, tell me your name and I’ll see if I can help you.” The tone reeked of the imprudence I was afraid the insincere smiles would lead to.

“Ok I didn’t come here to be disrespected, are you kidding me? I can’t believe this” All this said with a raised voice. The quite bank couldn’t help but soak every word and sound.

“Well I’m trying to help you but I need your cooperation. I need you to help me to help you.” Said with insolence.

“I have been coming here for years, literally years, and no one has every been as disrespectful as you.”

“Okay well I tried to help you but if you’re not going to co-operate I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“What? No I’m a client of this bank and I need to pay my mortgage.” This was true.

“Well I asked you for your information and you’re not providing it. You’re also causing a scene in a place of business so I’m refusing to help you and I’m asking you once again to leave.” With insolence.

The manager could no longer pretend the conflict was out of earshot. It was too late in the day to go out to lunch and not a thing from corporate with which to be fake busy.

“What is going on here?” with forged concern.

“I want this banker fired. All I want is to access my account and pay my mortgage but for some reason I’m being kept from my own finances.”

To the manager, “I tried asking security questions and couldn’t even get a name.”

“I want to be helped by someone else, You should be fired!”

The manager had no choice but to do the job of a manager. Something that had been avoided for years. The job of a manager could easily be reduced to sitting at a desk and lunch, with nothing in between if that manager can delegate. All tasks can be assigned away until faced with one thing, difficult people.

“Okay I myself, will personally help you.” This was met with relief to the banker, and indifference to all else involved. “Can I have your bank card?”

“I don’t have one.”

“Did you lose it? I can issue you a new one.”

“Is everyone here just a robot? You all just say and do the same things but at the end of the day you don’t help anyone. I cant believe you’re still in business.”

“I cant do anything without a bank card.”

“That’s a lie, I just caught you lying. That other banker said you can access my account with security questions and I know for a fact all you actually need is a name!”

“Okay I’m going to ask you some security questions”

“No I don’t want to answer them.”

“Okay can I have a name for the account.”

“For what”

“To access the account!” The manager isn’t as well known for patience as the banker was. If the client actually intended on doing some banking that day, the banker would have been the better option. Managers have more to lose and grace to lose it.

“I don’t want to give you my name! you people have not been helpful and I don’t know what you’ll do to my account.”

“Okay so we have nothing more to talk about then. Please leave”

“You can’t make me leave! You have to help me! If you don’t open my account and pay my mortgage I’ll sue you for everything you’re worth!” We remember this next part.

At some point in all the commotion a secret button was pressed and authorities arrived. The client freely gave up the name to authorities and peacefully left the premises after being informed that a message of the incident would be made on the client’s bank account. The banker took an extended break in frustration. The manager took a second lunch in anger at having worked. The client did no banking that day.

The client wisely allowed the time it took to walk home to call the mortgage company to inform them that with every intention to pay the now overdue mortgage, the banker had been rude and refused to help. The company must now issue an extension due to the unique circumstances. The police were even called! The client suggested the bank be contacted to confirm the desperate attempt to pay the mortgage that day despite a misunderstanding that made it impossible- the evidence is a note that should be on file by now.

When leaving the note on the account the banker wondered how the client intended to pay the mortgage with nothing in the account.