The Heckler

“Ladies and Gentleman, it seems we have a joker in our midst! Someone, get me a spotlight and mic for this guy. Now, please. Thank you. So, what were you saying?”

“I said, I said–whoa! That's loud. I said you're not funny. I paid thirty quid for this rubbish. And it's not funny.”

(“Boo!”)

“Be nice! So, you think you're a funny guy? You got jokes, Mr Funny man?”

“I know a couple.”

“Well let's roll out the parade, folks! He knows a couple of jokes! Praise the lord! You think you can make these fine people laugh?”

“Wouldn't be hard!”

“How many you had to drink tonight?”

“A couple.”

“Is that the only number you know, a couple?”

“I know thirty, as in how much I paid to be here!”

“You said that once already, Mr Funny man, but I'll forgive you, if you tell us a joke. What do you think folks, should we give him his fifteen minutes?”

(“Do it, do it, do it–”)

“Are you serious?”

“Serious as a stroke. You heard them, get your drunken ass up here. There's the mic, I'm going for a cig. Good luck!”

(“Do it, do it, do it!)

“Umm, so, yeah. He was a bit shit, wasn't he?”

(“Boo!”)

“Alright, jokes. I got one. So, there's an English mouse, Scottish mouse, and a Welsh mouse. No sorry, I mean, English, Scottish and Irish.”

(“Boo!”)

“You've not heard the joke yet! So these mice, they're all like, having a pint down the pub, right? And they're, like, talking about hard they are. How tough they are, you know? So, the first mouse, the English mouse, he says to the others, 'I'm so hard,'–”

(“Do the voice!”)

“Alright, alright, 'I'm so hard,'–”

(“A mouse's voice!”)

“Like this? 'I'm so hard,'–”

(“Squeakier!”)

“Okay. 'I'm so hard, when I go home, I go fetch the rat poison from under the kitchen sink, and take half a tablet before bed, cause I'm so hard!', how's that? Better?”

(“Squeakier!”)

“Bloody hell, alright, 'Cause, cause I'm soooo hard!'–”

(“Boo! Hurry up!”)

“I'm trying! I'll carry on when the mouse expert is happy! Can I continue, please?”

(“If you have to.”)

“Thank you! So the second mouse, the Irish, I mean, Welsh mouse,"

("I thought he was Scottish!")

"Scottish or Welsh, it doesn't matter. He's all like, 'That's tough, but I'm so hard, that when I get up in the morning, like, I'll go find a, a, mousetrap, and I'll, like, snatch the cheese, and catch the bar as it's falling down, you know? And then I'll do bench presses with the thing. That's how hard I am!' and then the third mouse–”

(“Do the actions!”)

“Okay, 'And then, I'll bench press it, like this!' See?”

(“Wouldn't he cut his paws?”)

“The expert's back everyone! Cut his paws? He's got little mouse gloves on, alright? Happy now?”

(“No, get off the stage!”)

“Just shut up!”

(“Oooooooooooo!”)

(“Who you telling to shut up?”)

(“You, mouse expert!”)

(“You want me to come up there?”)

(“Sit down, Dave! Let the idiot finish his dumb joke!”)

(“He told me to shut up!”)

(“Well shut up then before I shut you up!”)

“Thank you mouse expert man's Wife. So, where the frickin' hell was I? Umm, yeah, so, first mouse, poison, second mouse, mousetrap. Third mouse, the Irish one, he turns to the other two and says, 'That's nothing,'–”

(“You're not doing the voice!”)

“Oh for bloody Hells sake, 'That's nothing! When I get home,'–”

(“He's back!”)

“How is Mr Funny man getting on, folks?”

(“Boooooooooo!”)

"That doesn't sound great."

“They won't let me finish the bloody joke!”

“Really? What type of ill-mannered, inconsiderate morons would heckle during the middle of a live performance? Certainly not you nice people, you wouldn't do something like that now, would you?”

(“Noooooooo”)

“Alright, you've made your point. Can I sit down now?”

“No chance, you stay right there. Audience, you promise me now, you were being nice to Mr Funny Man?”

(“Yyyyesssssss!”)

“You bloody liars!”

“Now now, the audience is always right. If they say you sucked, then well, sorry to say, but you probably sucked. But let's be fair, shall we?”

(“Boooooo!”)

“Come on, let's let him finish. This is being recorded for Netflix, after all.”

“This is being recorded?”

“Sure is! Say hi to Mommy and Pappy Funny man! Your friends, parents, coworkers at your crumby factory job, or what it is you do, the whole world will get to see what a funny, funny guy you are when this goes out next month!”

“You can't do that!”

“I can and I will. You signed the waiver on the way in, remember? I own your face now, Mr Funny man! Your silly little nose, that goofy smile, those blush red cheeks, all mine! Pretty much forever, I think?”

“No way!”

“Yes way! I might even insist we put your beautiful mug on the title screen. Label this as a bad buddy movie? I could put you on T-shirts, mouse mats, hell, why don't we start our own brand of haemorrhoid cream! We could call it, Itchy and the Ass! No prizes for guessing who's the ass, folks! So, Mr Funny man, what are you waiting for? tell us what this God damn Irish mouse said!”

“I don't want to.”

“Aww, they were only teasing, weren't you?”

(“No! He sucks!”)

“You don't mean that! Ignore them. Everyone wants to hear how this cliff hanger climaxes.”

“But–”

“We've been building up for so long, it can only end well! I mean, not for you, but we're all having a laugh.”

“But–”

“No buts! Come on, you've got one chance at redemption here, nail this and you'll be a hero forever! You'll be able to tell people, you'll be able to say, 'I was the asshole heckler at that gig, and I made a massive, humongous, astronomical asshole of myself, but at least, despite all the painful years of humiliation which follow, at least, even though I realise now what a stupid, stupid thing it was to heckle the comedian, at least I nailed that one punchline.' And, you know what, Mr Funny man? It will all be worth it, won't it, folks?”

"I just, I, umm–"

“Don't clam up on me now, Mr Funny Man! Whichever way this goes, for me, it was better than the material I planned. So, less stutter, let's go!”

(“Let's go, let's go, let's go”)

“Okay, well, so, like, the first mouse took the poison, the second mouse bench pressed the mouse trap thing, and the third mouse–”

“Do the voice!”

(“Yeah! Do the voice!”)

“Okay! The third mouse, he was all like, 'Well, you guys have fun, I'm off home, to make love with the cat'.”