I Heard You, Mostly, but You Won't Hear Me

“Good afternoon Ms Patterson, what brings…”

“Peterson, it’s Peterson. Patty Peterson”

Dr. Norman noticed Patty looking at him so intently it felt like she was staring a hole in his head. He didn’t feel a sense of intimidation from her stare. Patty bopped her head back and forth like she was listening to a song that only played in her skull but was obviously on mute to the doctor. She simultaneously tapped her foot like an excited rabbit triggering childhood memories of his favorite cartoon, causing the doctor to smile. No, Patty was too odd to be intimidating.

“My apologies Miss Peterson. What brings you in today?”

 “Well Doc, a few things. I have a bunch of problems that I wanted to talk to you about”

“Unfortunately young lady, I can only see you for 30 minutes before I have to move on to the next patient. So how about you tell me about the most pressing issue? What has been troubling you the most?”

She began to grip the handles of the chair she was sitting in as if it were the safety bar on a rollercoaster and letting go may mean sudden death. Patty looked stunned. Her eyes darted around as she internally debated what was her biggest problem.

“I guess…I guess I would say that my depression. I want to work on that first. Can you get me a referral to a therapist? And will I just have to make an appointment to see you again some other day for my other problems? How soon would I be able to get another appointment? Are you going to be here with the holidays around the corner?...”

“Tell me why you think you have depression.” Dr. Norman was taken aback by Patty’s bombardment of questions and had to take back control of the conversation.

“I have been feeling like shit for a long time now”

Dr. Norman winced when hearing a foul word. “Could you elaborate please, ma’am?”

Rapidly she told the doctor “Sometimes, I feel weighed down and miserable. If I didn’t have to get up for work, I probably wouldn’t get out of bed. I just moved here but I've felt this way a long time now. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and no one understands me. Not my family, not the few friends I have, and not my new co-workers. It feels like I am speaking a foreign language to everyone and I barely understand them at times. Theres always these misunderstandings that blow up in my face. I can tell most people think I'm weirdo but I don’t know why I'm not perceived as being normal. Maybe I don’t know how to be normal. I wanted to get professional help because I don’t want to feel this way any longer." Patty could feel her heart beating so strongly she thought it may combust. A fitting end to the pain she had been feeling.  

“It is commonplace to feel isolated in a new location, especially for young people”

“I'm 38.” 

“Oh, you look very young for your age and…”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, you look young. I can get you a referral for therapy but in the meantime I want you to go back to the basics. Get plenty of sleep, be mindful of your diet, and make sure to get lots of exercises. It is important that you try to exercise outside in order to get plenty of Vitamin D…”

Patty got lost in her head, a common occurrence when she was given simple dismissive solutions to her very complicated problems. Dr. Norman looked like he could be her grandfather’s age. Patty wondered if he was out of touch when it came to topics like mental health or if he just didn’t give a fuck. “This dude is old as fuck,” Patty thought to herself, “I bet he grew up watching Howdy Doody or saw Bambi in theaters or something.”

“Does that sound good Miss Patterson?” The doctor finally ending his long winded instructions was Patty’s cue to snap back into the conversation.

“Peterson, and yeah Doc, that sounds good.”

“Peterson, Peterson, Peterson. That’s right. Check out with the front desk. I’ll put in the referral to therapy. Keep your chin up, young lady.” Dr. Norman patted her on the back as he walked her out the door.

“Yeah, he’s out of touch” Patty thought.

Patty sat in the waiting room admiring two little girls playing with building blocks. They were stacking the blocks as high as their little arms could allow them to reach. The glee on their faces reminded Patty of her big sister, Cheryl. On the short list of understanding supportive people in her life, Cheryl was number one. She always encouraged Patty to keep doing her best and was there when Patty just couldn't. "Now sissy, knock 'em all down!", the big sister said. The younger sister's eyes grew wide just as she pushed the block tower over. Both girls cheered in delight while jumping around their demolished pile. Patty chuckled along with them.  

"Ms. Peterson. Ms. Peterson, hello."

Patty finally snapped to.

"Are you Ms. Patty Peterson?"

"Oh, yeah sorry, that's me."

"Nothing to be sorry about. Follow me. Those girls are cute aren't they? Kids just love those blocks. They knock them over like Godzilla destroying a city. Rawr." Nurse Cathy gave her best Godzilla impersonation, which wasn't the best.  

Patty thought that she must be having a nostalgia day because Nurse Cathy reminded her of her best friend since 7th grade, Tiffany. Tiffany was number two on Patty’s support list. The two women didn't get to see each other as often as they'd like but always found time to call, send birthday gifts, and save vacation days for an annual visit. As the years had gone by and work got more hectic, the annual visits turned into bi-annual. Thus adding to Patty’s loneliness. 

"I am Cathy, I will be your nurse today. Dr. McCollough will be in shortly. In the meantime I'll take your vitals. Great shoes by the way! Aren't those Dr. Martens from the Warner Brothers collection?"

Patty’s smile grew. "Yeah, actually they are. These are the Lost Boys boots. I have The Goonies too"

"I was able to snag the Beetlejuice boots but The Goonies were all sold out by the time I got off work."

"The Goonies was my sister and my favorite movie since we were kids. I got her a pair too. I would have just died if I didn't get us those boots"

"Now, now Ms. Peterson, Goonies never say die" Cathy gave a wink and a smile causing Patty to burst into laughter. She couldn't remember the last time she genuinely laughed so hard.  

"What's so funny?" Dr. McCollough asked as she walked in slamming the door behind her. Both women looked away as if they were two teens being reprimanded by their teacher. “Good Afternoon Miss…Peterson. I see you talked to Dr. Norman a months ago, then Dr. Dean, Dr. Buchanan…” Patty admired the doctor’s nails. She had purple, red, green, and gold marble design, Patty’s favorite colors. She had seen that design on Pinterest and wanted to get the same style for the company holiday party. The thought of being in a social setting with people she barely knew caused her chest to tighten but she didn’t know any other way to make friends. “What brings you back in today?” Dr. McCollough asked.

"I've been having problems sleeping" she said slowly. "My mind races all the time. It's like I can't shut my brain off. That leads to me being tired all day. It's super, umm, super…hard for me to concentrate. On average I have to read the same paragraph about…about…about three times until I fully understand it. It's a huge time waster" she sighed as she rubbed her forehead in frustration.

Typing the questions and responses into the computer, Cathy gave looks of concerns and empathy. The doctor however, was expressionless "Mhm, how long has this been a problem? Are you exercising before bed? Drinking alcohol before bed?..." Patty had heard all of these questions a million times before and grew frustrated.

"Ma'am I've been through sleep hygiene class before. I know all the things I am supposed to do and not do before." She could hear that she was stammering, stuttering, and forgetting her words. This only caused Patty to be more frustrated. "Has my sleep gotten better because of that course? Yeah, but…but I still feel like shit. I just want to function like a normal adult and that hasn't been happening."

"Mmhm, what do you mean by functioning like a normal adult? I looked at your file and besides coming to the doctors office far too often, you seem to be functioning just fine. You've done well in your career, so you can't have too much trouble functioning right?" Dr. McCollough asked in a skeptical tone.

"It's my prerogative how often I come to the doctors. Plus, I have good health insurance, so I can do that. Until I find a doctor who is willing to listen to me, I am going to keep coming to the doctor."

Dr. McCollough looked Patty straight in the eyes and asked "Is it drugs that you are fishing for? I noticed that your speech is slurred and you seem to be stammering over your words. If it is free drugs, you aren't going to get them here."

Nurse Cathy stopped typing, swung around in her chair, and stared defiantly at the doctor. "She didn't start stammering until you came in here. She was talking just fine up until then". Dr. McCollough continued to stare Patty down. "So what is it ma'am is it drugs?" 

Patty crossed her arms and began tapping her right heel rapidly. "We get piss tested at my job. I am not an addict."

"I also see in your record that you've gotten tested for STDs three times in the past year. How many sexual partners have you had?"

Patty’s nostrils flared. She leaned in towards the doctor and said "I don't know anyone here. I am always moving because of my job. My coworkers talk to me like I'm stupid, they think I'm weird, and I have no friends. Sometimes I'll meet a guy at the grocery store or at the movies or something. We'll date for a few weeks and then I realize I'm dating this dude because I'm bored. That doesn't mean that I am fucking everyone all over town!" Patty sat back into her chair when she felt warm tears trickle down her face. Nurse Cathy gave her a box of tissues and continued to stand between the doctor and Patty.  

"You do seem impulsive and a bit antisocial. Maybe focusing on fixing those things first before trying to find a lover could be a good start for you. It says in your record that you are an admitted frequent drinker. Alcohol abuse and promiscuity concern me."

Patty looked stunned "I am not an addict. I am not a slut. I am just lonely and…and.." Although shaking, Patty’s voice became more vociferous. "And I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Lady I am just trying to be normal like everyone else! I keep begging for help and none of you will listen to me!" The trickle of tears turned into a full stream. "None of you will believe me when I tell you that there is something wrong. You don't know how isolating it is and how much it hurts when no one understands you." Nurse Cathy held Patty’s hand tightly, just like Tiffany would whenever comfort was needed.  

"Alright" Dr. McCollough said unmoved. "I'll put in a consult with another therapist, put in some labs, and we will have a follow-up in about two months. Take care of yourself Ms. Peterson."

"Ms. Peterson! Welcome back! You're wearing your Goonies boots!" Nurse Cathy exclaimed. 

"Hey Nurse Cathy! Good to see you again. I see you have on your Beetlejuice boots"

Nurse Cathy returned Patty’s large bright smile with an even larger one. "With Halloween being around the corner, we've been able to relax our uniforms. The doctor is already waiting for you in the room."

Walking into the room Patty couldn't help but to greet the doctor with smile. Not as big as the smile for Nurse Cathy, but a big sincere smile nonetheless. "Hi Doc! Happy Halloween! How are you?"

The doctor looked at Patty with skepticism. "Greetings Ms. Peterson. You seem different. Tell us how you've been doing"

"Yeah, she has a glow about her doesn't she?" Nurse Cathy remarked.

"Thanks, I found a good therapist and later found a good therapy group. I learned about mindfulness, self observation, and have been implementing other healthy changes. I feel really good and optimistic for the first time in a while. I still have a ways to go but I feel better."

Dr. McCollough nodded her head while going over Patty’s medical record never looking up or making eye contact.

"You seem to be speaking better too. That's good. Out of all the things that you have been working on, what do you think has helped you the most?" Nurse Cathy asked.

"Finally finding a doctor who would hear me out and not blow me off."

The doctor coughed just as Nurse Cathy and Patty gave her a pointed look.

"Yeah, an understanding doctor. Oh, and being diagnosed with ADHD."