It started with a Swipe

        I was not sure how online dating was going to go when I first signed up a few months ago. After being single for nearly two years I finally felt like I was ready to try again. Until now I really thought my last relationship was a forever one and it crushed me how things ended. It was not your regular old breakup where people grow apart and go their own ways. My last love was taken from me too early. Sometimes I think if he were still here, I would be married with kids by now. Life is a silly thing though and very unpredictable and I had been working hard to not dwell and feel sorry for myself anymore when it comes to the past.

               No sooner after the four months of chatting online there I was in an airport located in in Georgia meeting ‘Matthew’ the possibly last love of my life. Matthew worked as a mechanic at a small shop and I was still working as a preschool teacher back in Utah and thankfully got approved for a weeks’ vacation. I think we both did not expect things to get much serious after chatting the first few weeks online but to our surprise we hit it off so well so quickly. We talked on the phone for hours about all the things we had in common, our  family upbringings, our hopes and dreams and we’d call each other whenever we needed to vent, when we needed to share exciting news and even when we just wanted someone to watch tv with on those lonely nights after a long day at work. He was perfect to me. Sweet, patient, funny, and hardworking.

               Back in Utah I honestly stopped searching for guys in my own state to mingle with and date. I guess I always knew in the back of my head that my forever man was not going to be from my hometown or home state. I did not know much about Georgia at first, but Matthew quickly educated me on all its history, night life, and art. He sold it to me after sending me pictures of his hometown in Savannah. It looked like such a charming place and so lively. Like something I had read to the kids in my class from a storybook.

               I still remember the butterflies he gave me when he stood there waiting for me outside the airport. He was much more handsome in person then he already was online. His hair neatly slicked back, wearing a t-shirt that fit exactly right and simple dark jean and clean looking boots. Not much but for a guy like Matthew he hardly had to try to look his best. My favorite feature thought where his eyes- they were just breathtaking, a light blue that fit perfectly with his olive skin and dark hair. I was already so in love and so captivated in that moment.

               The first coupe day’s with Matthew where a bit awkward at first but gradually we both loosened up and relaxed. I was staying in a hotel close to Matthews apartment and we would basically spend all day together. Matthew took me to his favorite spots all around town for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He planned activities for us to do and we laughed maybe ninety percent of the time together just genuinely enjoying each other’s company. It had been such a long time that a man made me feel this happy and this loved. I felt like a flower and he was the soil that helped blossom me. One thing that struck me with Matthew was the fact that you would think for a man who spent most of his day’s working in a shop he would have a rough touch, but Matthews touch was so soft and so gentle just like him.  

               By the end of day three of the week I was spending with Matthew it spread on the news about the virus called COVID-19 getting worse. Prior to coming out to see Matthew I don’t think anyone was paying that much attention to the virus, at first it seemed like something that would get contained rather quickly and didn’t seem like much of a threat but now suddenly the news was flooded when the President announced no more international or in country flights and we where gearing up for a full on lockdown. I was so scared and did not know what to do. I had little money left for the trip and now my job was not looking as secure as it did before I left. Matthew suggested I stopped staying at the hotel and stay with him at his apartment for however long until the quarantine was over, or the flight ban lifted. I was against it at first but with no other options I had to give in.

               There I was five days into our trip, and we were quarantined together. Matthew still went to work as usual as he was an ‘essential employee’ and Luckily after many phone calls with my boss I was able to teach classes online to my students through virtual school while he was out. It was perfect, and I could not help but think; I could get used to this. Not the quarantined part but just sharing a home with Matthew. I was beginning to see a future now with him and I was incredibly happy for once in an exceptionally long time.

               Two days later I noticed Matthew didn’t come home at his usual time of 7:30. I had just finished making chicken parmesan which supposedly was his favorite dish, I remember because we talked about it over the phone a few months ago and I actually practiced making it a few times myself before coming out here. I did not really think I would have time to make him the dish but with the lock down I guess I have been having a lot more time to do things with him then I anticipated. The fact that he was late tonight though was very alarming. I tried texting him- no answer. I tried calling him- no answer. I left a few voicemails, and after three hours of him being late I decided I needed to call the police. With everything that was going on I was afraid for his well being. What if he is sick? What if he is hurt?

               After talking to the police and getting nowhere with them because they believed if he wasn’t 48hrs missing then it wasn’t a big deal- I just  sat in defeat waiting in his kitchen sitting at the dinning room table close to the front door biting at my nails anxiously hoping he’d come home. Eventually he did. It was 1:30 in the morning and he came into the apartment looking like he had been drinking. I was so upset and could not help but argue with him even though I knew he was not in the right head to offer any bit of explanation that I needed back. His breath reeked of whiskey and he was barely standing. He said he got back to the apartment in an uber and had been out with his coworkers and they did that every Friday night after work. Of course, I could understand some downtown but for the four months I had been talking to him he never said anything about this ‘after work ritual’ he was trying to explain to me now.

               Everything happened so fast and are argument escalated. I had this saddening feeling in the back of my head that maybe he was with another women. That everything he was saying was all bullshit and I was being lied too again. I thought he was different. I thought I could trust him; I just could not understand why I was not enough for him now. How could he string me along for months and offer me to come out here to see him and then do this to me.

               “You wanted to come out here!” He argued.

               Of course, I wanted to come out to see him. I wanted to visit the man I was growing to love. The man that after two years started to make me feel like I could love again. That I could trust again.

               “You paid for your own ticket Hannah… Come on. This was a fun trip and I am glad you came out to see me, but I did not expect this to happen. A pandemic? I think you are a cool chick- “I remember the way he calmly walked over to me, “I just don’t see this going anywhere serious…” With that I felt like my whole world was crumbling around me…... again…

               He turned his back toward me and started rambling on about how he was sorry he did not come to the apartment when he usually does, and it was not gentlemen like and he regret’s how worried I was-

               I just couldn’t take it...

               With his back towards me I took the pan that I cooked the chicken parm in and swung it against his head. He fell to the ground and I hovered over his body and kept bashing his head in with clenched shut eyes and tears fighting its way down my cheeks. “Not again!” I yelled as I kept going until I heard his skull crack and blood splatter on my face. How could I let this happen again?