Liar,Liar

Mummy says the playground’s closed because of the virus. I’m not sure. Mummy’s said the playground’s closed before. But she lied. I know because when we had to write about what we did at the weekend, Billy Williams wrote about going to the playground and drew a picture of the big yellow slide. Usually when Mummy lies about the playground being open, she’s all grumpy and her eyes look red and sleepy and her breath smells funny. But she looks normal today, so maybe the playground has got the virus. I hope the swings haven’t got it. They’re my favourite. I can swing as high as a bird and leave everything behind me.

Grown-ups aren’t supposed to lie. But they do. They lie all the time. Daddy lied about Aunty Pam to Mummy. I heard through their bedroom door. Mummy and Daddy say I shouldn’t listen at doors. They say it’s deceitful. But I don’t think listening at doors is as deceitful as lying. Especially about who’s been here for a sleepover when Mummy went away. Mummy says she went to a spa with Aunty Suzi, but I heard Daddy telling Aunty Pam she’s gone to dry out. I don’t know why she couldn’t dry out here. We’ve got lots of towels. And a hair dryer. I don’t like Aunty Pam – she’s got froggy eyes and when she smiles she looks like she wants to eat you. Not like Mummy’s smiles. When she smiles the whole word is shiny and happy.

Nanny says the virus is GOD’S WORK. She doesn’t know Daddy lied about Aunty Pam. Nanny says all liars go to hell. It’s really hot in hell, hotter than in Australia even. Hotter than the desert. As hot as if you were Hansel and the witch had put you in her oven. Daddy said I couldn’t tell Mummy about the sleepover. He said it was Our Special Secret. But Mummy says we shouldn’t have secrets. I don’t want to be a liar with a Special Secret and go to hell.

A lady came to school in a bright blue van. She said you shouldn’t have secrets from your grown-ups too. She had a big bear with her, but I think it was just a man in a suit. His fur didn’t look furry enough. I tried to touch him but Mrs Hughes pulled me away and told me to Just Behave Yourself.

That’s lying. Pretending to be a bear and actually you’re just a man. The lady pointed out all the bear’s naughty bits, which is a bit rude in public, especially at it was just a man in a bear costume. She touched where his willy is. I wonder if they’re married? But I don’t think people can marry bears. It’s probably ok to marry a man in bear costume though. But I still don’t think she should have pointed at his willy and bum. The lady pointed out all the naughty bits and said they’re ‘private’ and no one is allowed to touch them. Pointing must be ok though. She didn’t call it a willy. She said penis and vagina.

But if they’re private, and no one’s allowed to touch them, why was Daddy poking Aunty Pam’s vagina with his penis? He said they were just wrestling and that I should go back to bed because monsters don’t exist and it was just a bad dream. But why were they wrestling naked? I can’t ask Daddy because he said Not To Speak Of It Again in his big voice that makes the ground shake. I can’t ask Mummy, because the sleepover is a Special Secret. I’ll ask Nanny. He didn’t say I couldn’t tell her.

Nanny doesn’t like Daddy very much. She thinks he’s no good. I heard her telling Mummy when they thought I was watching Operation Ouch and not listening to them in the kitchen shout-whispering. Shout-whispering is when grown-ups think they’re being really quiet, but actually they’re getting louder and louder until they’re nearly shouting, but in a funny way that sounds like they’ve lost their voice. Sometimes it’s fun when adults shout-whisper. Like when Aunty Suzy comes over with her clinky handbag. She and Mummy sit in the kitchen drinking Mummy Juice. They laugh a lot whenever they say ‘Mummy Juice’, like I’m a baby and I can’t read the bottles that says chardonnay or merlot. Daddy calls it Mother’s Ruin, but I like Mummy Juice better.

They get louder and louder and their faces get really red and shiny. They let me watch whatever I want and eat whatever I want and drink what ever I want. I usually watch Teen Titans and eat biscuits and drink juice with a bendy straw. Aunty Suzi gives me big wet, sloppy kisses and hugs me too tight. But I don’t mind, because when Aunty Suzi comes round with her clinky bag Mummy smiles the smiles that makes the whole world shiny.

The bin’s clinky too after Aunty Suzi’s come over and if Mum forgets to go and hide the bottles in the recycling, Daddy shouts at her and her smile slides off. I don’t like her smile going away, so if she falls asleep I take the bottles away and wake her up before Daddy comes home. I don’t think Daddy likes Aunty Suzi. And I don’t think Aunty Suzi likes Daddy.

I haven’t seen Aunty Suzi for ages. She’s not in our bubble. Nanny is. She and Daddy definitely don’t like each other. Daddy creeps around behind Nanny pretending to be a vampire. It’s a bit mean but it’s a bit funny too. When Nanny talks to Daddy she looks like she’s being friendly but these funny ropes stick out in her neck. You can hear her teeth snapping like she’s biting her words off so she can stop speaking to him quicker.

Nanny can take her teeth all the way out of her mouth. She keeps them in a glass next to her bed at night. I found out when Nanny came to live with us because she’s vulnerable. Probably because she’s got no teeth, so if the shops ran out of mushy food she’d starve to death in her little flat. But if she lives with us we can put food in the blender. Or chew it for her. Like birds do.

The first night Nanny came to stay, Mummy and Daddy were keeping me awake. They were whisper-shouting. Which isn’t the same as shout-whispering. It’s the opposite. Shout-whispering is when you try to be quiet but you’re having too much fun, so you can’t. Whisper-shouting is when you’re trying to be quiet but you’re too angry, so you can’t. I went into Nanny’s bed because when Mummy and Daddy are shout-whispering, it makes my insides feel all watery. I was a bit scared. But it was just my Nanny, with no teeth. She’s definitely not a vampire if she hasn’t got teeth. She pulls funny faces to make me laugh when my insides are sloshing around. I sleep in her room a lot now. She has to pull lots of funny faces.

Nanny helps with my schoolwork. We do it on Zoom, which sounds fun but it’s not. It’s called remote learning. Daddy says it should be called not remotely learning anything. I don’t know what he means, Nanny’s a good teacher. She knows all her times tables. Daddy asked her if we were doing ancient history, and Nanny’s heart started beating on her forehead. She said she’d let him know if we did female anatomy. But I don’t know what that is. Maybe it’s a foreign language.

I don’t know why Daddy cares what we’re learning, he doesn’t want to help me. He just sits in his office talking to Aunty Pam in whispers. He’s supposed to be working, but I can hear him when I go to the toilet. I think he does exercises in there too because sometimes I can hear him puffing and groaning.

Mummy doesn’t help with school either. She sits in the kitchen. She pretends to work too, but mostly she just looks out the window and cries. She’s got her own clinky bag now. I don’t like it when she cries. I want her to be happy again and to take me to the playground, but I don’t know how. I think I’ll ask Nanny, when I ask her about the sleepover.