Ego season

(Alice): I knew that if I wanted to live normal after you were gone that I needed to get used to life, and there's no better way to do that than to have a fresh start, three days to new year's eve and I already know it is going to be the year I love myself. I honestly miss you, but I have no idea what to do about it, everything in my life seems so vague and blue, but I need to forget you.

(Ivan): it has been two months now, I wonder if I ever cross your mind, what you think of when you wake up in the morning, I still can't believe you left town, I now have to deal with both the heartbreak and your departure...

I wanted to see you before you leave, to explain so many things I did wrong, but I know you were done with me, I wish there was a way I can make it up to you but I still know deep inside it's impossible. 

(Alice): Today is the first of January, I love my new place, even though it feels empty without you, I just finished setting up the living room's furniture, I cleared up some space on my new bookshelf  for our books, do you remember the time we spent to collect them together? You used to buy romance novels for me every Christmas and I just couldn't get enough of them, you knew me a lot.

(Ivan): it is the first day of this new year but it feels the same to me: you are still not by my side, cuddling with me, and I still can't smell the perfume you do after you get out of the shower, I still wake up every morning to our neighbor's voice yelling at her husband, we used to laugh at them every morning but we still used to think she loved him alot that she wakes him up every morning, you said you'd do the same for the rest of our lives remember?

You still haunt me sometimes, I laugh at things that you used to find funny, I eat your favorite food at the restaurant, I read your favorite books, I wonder if you still keep our books, we spent a lifetime collecting them, I think you do, you love books, I miss reading your drafts, I wonder if you're still thinking about finishing that book, am I a part of it?

(Alice) - it's January first, I was walking down the streets when I saw something unexpected, I always pass by this street yet I never pay attention to people, to things, I saw a maple tree, I know how much it makes completely no sense because they are everywhere but that exact tree reminded me of our first kiss, I don't know how I don't know why but it happens alot, especially lately, I remember how you looked me in the eyes and told me that I was the most beautiful girl you have ever seen, that the moment you laid your eyes on me you knew I was your one true love, but how sad is it to lose your one true love Ivan? How sad is it?

You said you loved me and before I can realize it I only felt your lips pressed to mine, I've never felt this way before, You smiled at me, and then kissed my forehead...

"Passing by the maple tree, remembering our first kiss" could be a great name of a book, but it was my state, unfortunately I couldn't help it so I let the tears run down my face until I remembered that I needed to get to my interview without ruining my makeup...

I got home, and as I was getting ready to go out with some friends, I found the necklace you gave me, details always get me and I know they do, but I still go around and distribute them in all directions like I'm careless, I keep them, I never get the courage to give up on them and so did you, so I still don't get how you had the courage to destroy this, to give up on me. I never want to sound dramatic, but I knew, that if I wanted to forget you that I needed to go through all the phases: First it was shock and denial, you always have hope there was a chance for you to get back, you wish they could reach out and call you, you wish for them to say a word and you were ready to forget it all, then  acceptance and pain, and this is the hardest, because you accept that there is no going back, but you still haven't moved on yet, then it turns to anger, you hate them, you really wish they weren't born or that you ever knew them, I know you are wondering what's next? It's depression, a silent phase, a deep one where you go unnoticed, expelled and out of this world, the last phase is the reconstitution that eventually turns into hope and sufficiency, where you forgive and forget for the sake of your mental stability. I'm stuck in the second phase and I wonder where you are, and as weird as it sounds, I hope you're not over me yet.

(Ivan): I am not over you yet, I started writing you letters that will never be sent as a form of healing, I know you will wonder when you hear this why does it hurt me even though I was the one who ruined it, why do I ever need to heal in the first place, and the truth is it hurts because I know I lost you for a stupid mistake, why do I need to heal? I really don't know because if it was for me, I would never choose to heal from you, you are the remedy I needed.

I wonder how your interview went, I still remember how excited you were for it, it was all you talked about for weeks "the first of January" and I remember well how we planned the celebration of  publishing your first book, you were and still are a brilliant writer yet you still sometimes don't realize it, I wish I could pick up the phone right now and call you, I wish there was a way to reach out, my friends took my phone away because all I did was stare at your pictures all day. I wish there was somehow some way to work this out, but I know deep down we were done, even if you still loved me.

Remember when we used to hate how much it never feels like winter here in California? Well the other day I was thinking you must be happy you moved to New York, but it must be freezing out there. I remember how much freezing you get when it's cold outside when we went to Quebec, you were always trembling and you had red cheeks yet you still enjoyed that stinging breeze. 

I couldn't remember that without reminiscing on the summer we moved here, how much we loved the place and how cute you always looked in your summer dresses,You danced in the sun with your cute little freckles and your hazel shining eyes, I don't exactly remember how I fell in love with you but I think that's one of the reasons I count. It's really weird Alice, you not being here, I couldn't get used to it, I am a loner, but I never thought being alone without you was unbearable.

(Alice): you know I find it funny how this year started off so good, life was never good to me, it felt as if It was you, it always tried to push every good thing away so I can focus on it, and so did you. I wonder how you're doing, you didn't call or text me, and I thought I really mattered even after all what happened, the night I left, I wanted you to hold me back, to hold me tight against your chest and to tell me you were deeply sorry, I wanted  you to tell me it was a mistake, I wanted you to at least kiss me goodbye, but oh God my expectations were to high, because you stood there, staring at me, as I just found out you cheated on me, and you didn't say a single word, you didn't even defend yourself, I wanted you to, but you were such a coward ivan, you didn't have the balls to admit your fault. At this point, I just feel so angry that I want to let you go so bad, I'm tired of this, of you.

Untill, I was walking down central park today when I saw you. 

(Ivan): I saw you

(Alice):  I felt the urge to run to you, to hug you so tight, to tell you how much I miss you, to kiss you. I wanted you at that moment more than I ever had. But my pride was too harsh to accept it and let's not talk about my ego. You could've found your way to me if you were meant to be, in a way that's better than this, so I guess you know what this means.I have loved you for more than five years Ivan, and it's time for me to let you go, forever.

(Ivan): I want to hug you, to apologize, to tell you how much I regret it, I really do, my heart couldn't stop racing, I couldn't believe it was really you, I am still totally, completely and head over heels in love with you, and I cannot find any better chance to tell you this, and I know how much you must hate me, but I know you really love me, I know you're my other half, we've been through everything Alice please! I wanted you to stop, to stare at me, look me in the eyes, tell me you missed me, that you sleep at night knowing I am the only one you wish was there beside you, to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep, I wanted you to hug me and tell me to never let you go, and I will stay for sure, but...

(Alice): but, I walked past you like you were not there.

(Ivan): you walked past me, like I wasn't there.

(Alice): and I just pretended like I didn't care...