Jack just smiled

There was an almost screeching uproar of laughter as Sam slammed down on the wooden table with his burly fist. 'Do you guys get it? Whose there rhymes with underwear! Knock knock, whose there, Daphe' s underwear!' And on cue the orge of a man erupted yet again into another fit of skin cringing laughter. To be fair though, the entire tabled laughed along with him so although he couldn't see the humor in this terrible, terrible joke and just so that he didn't look like a buzz kill, Jack threw his head back and faked the best gut-wrenching laugh he could manage. Maybe this was what a mid life crisis looked like, you made pre-school jokes that made absolutely no sense whatsoever and then laughed about it thought Jack. On the outside he was smiling and appeared to be having a great time but on the inside he was ready to explode.

It was the last night of their reality show supper and Jack was fortunate enough to have hosted on the first night. As he predicted while watching the show himself, the first night was always the best time to host because everyone was still on their best behavior and still extremely cordial. Everyone came in quietly, weary of those around them, made polite conversation and paid compliments to all and it was only towards dessert that the demons started to surface. Jack had enjoyed playing host and had many reservations about his guests on the first night but being the gracious host he kept it to himself. But come night four, he was ready to hit every one of these dim witted Neanderthals with a stick over their heads. He'd start with Shrek's brother Sam, but because of his size he'd probably need a trunk because a stick just wouldn't cut it. His daydream was sharply broken when he heard Sam 's booming voice, 'How' s the mushrooms old chap,' grinned Sam, ' Touching you in places where the sun doesn't sun?' he roared. 

Jack looked down at the limp, slightly burnt mushroom covered with cheap processed cheese slices. 'Really dude,' he thought. 'You couldn't even spend a few bucks more and buy actual cheese? I can only imagine what your poor wife must go through when you say you will be treating her to a night out. And no you atrocious fool, processed cheese does not turn me on.' Jack bit his lip because he could feel a moment of verbal diaherro building up. He wished he could push back his chair, march over to Sam and say,' I'm generally not a fussy guy but this food is horrible. For goodness sake man this is a cooking competition, not an afternoon play date with toddlers. And no I don't find your jokes funny, it's dull and outdated and to be quite frank my dear friend I actually find them to be a tad offensive! Shame on you Sam, shame on you! ' But that's not what Jack said because that wasn't the type of person Jack was. Jack simply smiled, rubbed his belly and replied with a light chuckle ,' Best damn mushroom of my life, hats off to the chef!' 

The starter bragged into the main. Wow a chunk of steak , who would have guessed. An oversized man opting for meat, because man is man and man must eat right? 'What a cliché, kill me now,' thought Jack. The conversation dulled on until surprise surprise , Princess Daphne, ruler of the the Kingdom of Narcissism found a hair in her mashed potatoes. By the way who eats mash potatoes with steak? Did I miss the memo somewhere because this big piece of meat just doesn't feel right with this gooey lump of potatoes. And of course only the princess would find the hair, just like how she managed to find a speck of lint in her soufflé on my night. 'Sam darling, I hate to be that guest but...' her almost acidic voice trailed off as she wagged her finger at the to be honest, not too concerned Sam. 'Well if you put processed cheese on mushrooms, your benchmark isn't very high so I think you fighting a losing battle here Princess' thought Sam. Daphne stopped dead, 'Oh my word, I really hope this wasn't cat hair because I'm deadly allergic,' and for dramatic effect, she stopped and whispered, 'and could even possibly die.' Well... Would it be the worst thing in the world? Jack tried not to react but he was just about ready to rip his eyeballs out after this torturous week with Daphne. If there was ever the opportunity for anyone to be employed as a professional nag, Daphne was your girl. From day one, she complained about everything from the napkins grazing her skin to the water not being the right room temperature. What exactly is the right drinking temperature for water Daphne? Please do enlighten the commoners of the world. Sam laughed it off, made a terribly crude comment about rather it be cat hair than her feminine down there hair and got up to replace the already nearly raw piece of steak on her plate. Really Daph? You going to put yourself through that again and start afresh with a new plate of this monstrosity of a dish. As Sam left, Daphne whispered to Jack, 'Imagine if I ate it, these things always happen to me.' 'No Daphne, these things don't really happen to you, you just have what is known as a suffermore complex where you think everything is about you. It's generally something that teens deal with so I'm a bit surprised that you have to contend with this but hey such is life. ' But again Jack bit his tongue, smiled and said,' Rotton luck hey. '

Finally it was time for dessert and naturally they had an appearance from contestant number three. Allergy induced, hypochondriac, Lucy. Jack never knew anyone could be this Ocd until he met mild tempered but ultra paranoid librarian Lucy...truly a walking talking dispensary if ever you've seen one. Lucy really was an enigma to Jack, how does someone so obsessed with medication enter a cooking show? Maybe she just made for good TV. Jack was convinced though that when this episode aired, without a shadow of doubt, Lucy's 'entertainment' of having everyone identify the brand of hand soap while blindfolded would definitely be a highlight. He won though so who was he to complain really and as a prize he got to take home 2 bottles of hand sanitizer. Nevertheless it was definitely a first for him. But Lucy was Lucy and in three, two, one it would be showtime 'Sam, is this peppermint dessert made with gluten free biscuits, you know I can't eat anything with gluten,' said the woman who devoured half the bread basket just minutes ago. Jack couldn't understand if she made these things up to get the added attention or was she just dropped as a child. No Lucy, you not dying, no Lucy, there aren't hidden pesticides in all food products designed by multi million conglomerates to brainwash you, no Lucy you not having a heart attack, it was probably just indigestion from all the talking with chunks of bread in your mouth. Lucy turned to Jack and with a condescending tone said, 'We can't have what happened to me on your night happen again, can we Jack? You need to always check people's allergies isn't that right Jack? ' Jack wanted to shout at the top of his lungs, 'What allergy Lucy? Guess what, I added peanut oil in the starter and you were just fine. You not allergic to nuts you crazy woman!' But again he just smiled, nodded and mumbled yet another apology. 

Finally the show was over and Jack won. 'So how was the experience,' the producer probed in the final interview. Jack opened his mouth and was on the verge of saying, 'My word this 10 grand is not enough for the circus you made me endure this week. These people are insane! Throw in a few costumes and you could start your own Broadway musical! Please get Daphne a crown so that she can rule over her imaginary kingdom, get Lucy a doctor who can tell her she's just nuts and can someone please explain to me, how is it possible that Sam hasn't yet been arrested? Please screen these psychos before you allow people to invite them into their homes!' But again... that's not what Jack said. Jack just smiled and ended it all with,' It was an amazing experience with amazing people and I wish I could rewind it back to day 1.'