Don't Look

On days like these I liked to focus more on what I was feeling than what I could see. 

What I was physically feeling, touching, on days when it was so hard not to look. On days like these I fought my every instinct to contemplate the images entering my eyes, and instead created new ones that came from every inch of my body. 

The wind was slow and winding and it held only the smallest chill when it brushed against my cheek. It was the only interruption from the beating sunlight that tingled against the right side of my body, I could feel it turning my forearms red. On a day like this, I could tell I was surrounded by beauty, so I fought extra hard to ignore my sight. 

Instead, I shifted slightly on the hard wooden bench underneath me, it held the subtle wear of the thousands of others who spent their afternoons here. I concentrated on the feeling of the denim between me and my seat, and the tickle of the shirt as the sleeves blew around my arms.  A black watch sat on my wrist and the beads of sweat from the leather strap revealed with each minute movement

Most of all I thought of the slight feeling of warmth radiating off the body next to me. I felt the shivers run up my arm as she brushed against me, gently resting her hand on mine. It felt small and soft, but at the same time felt completely immovable and mighty. All I wanted to do was look at the owner of the hand, but I was smarter than that. Looking at her would mean smiling the big stupid smile that I did whenever I even thought about her. It would mean getting that love-sick look in my eyes before I grabbed her and kissed her like it was the end of the world. Though, if I did any of that, it would be the end. The second she saw me, they would see me. So instead, we both sat side-by-side, facing anywhere but each other and trying desperately not to give in to the instinct. I turned my head the other way to check the watch. Four minutes.

The park around us, the green grass, the small concrete trail with stone-faced pedestrians, that was as much as I could let Angel see. Of course, we all remembered what it was like before, or at least the stories we heard. Before the government decided emotions were dangerous. They led to war, hatred, lack of productivity, and loyalty to other people instead of the state. How do you solve problems that can arise just by two people looking at each other? Monitor what they look at. Of course, the President knew it was impossible to have a camera for every person, that is unless you make every person a camera.

I still remember the day mine was installed. It was my fifth birthday and, just like they had with my older brother on his, my parents took me to Angel. I remember the long line of other people from our city with their own kids that turned five that day, everybody got their eye at the same age. I remember the doctor giving me a local anesthetic and telling me to relax. Then I remember feeling nothing as the laser cut open my right eye and placed a small flat camera overtop of my retina that would stream everything I saw directly to Angel. No more smiles or laughter, no more crying or anger, no more connection, emotions, or unspoken words. After all, I was five, and it was time to join the solution to humanity's problems. 

The same thing had happened to Dawn, the woman next to me. I thought about the long caramel hair that hung loosely down her back, and the pale pink lips that I still remembered the sweet taste of after only one kiss. Mostly, I thought about her dark green eyes that seemed to sparkle with so much curiosity, you would never know about the evil that lay just under the surface. Dawn and I had been in love since the moment we first laid eyes on each other. That’s why we never looked anymore. We couldn’t control ourselves.

She slid her hand forward more so her fingertips lay on top of mine and I looked strictly at the shimmering blue pond across the path from us. She lifted her fingers and spoke to me in a language only those of us in the resistance knew, tapping gently on my hand.

Sorry, I am late, she looked at her own golden watch face. We had some problems with our new… Dawn flicked her hand aggressively against mine to imply a more reluctant tone… friends outside town.

I flipped over her hand and walked my index and pointer fingers down her wrist before erratically tapping on her fingertips. Calm down, they are the best chance we have at getting to Angel’s database. Like it or not, we need them, Love.

I heard her sigh and I tilted my head toward her ever so lightly, while keeping my gaze on the other side of the park. The cameras didn’t pick up audio, but Angel was always reading lips, making sure nothing blasphemous was happening. Too bad they can’t read hands they can’t see. 

I know, Dawn tapped out a bit more gently. I’m just worried about trusting them. Lucas, they’re radicals! None of them have lived in the city in years, they gouged out their cameras, and they are completely out of control. If they get us caught we could lose everything, even each other. 

I knew she was nervous and her concern made me smile lovingly. Just then a child of about twelve walked past us with a basketball and looked at me flatly. I quickly erased the smile before his camera could pick up on my slip and reciprocated the deadpan look. As soon as he walked away I looked down at my black sneakers, deciding it was safer to keep my face where no one else could see it either. On a day like today, I couldn’t afford to make a mistake. Another glance at my wrist, two minutes.

I rubbed my fingers quickly over Dawn’s arm. We won’t. I know they seem a bit extreme,

A bit?

But we need their help. You heard what Adamson said at the last meeting, this is the endgame. It’s time to pull out all the stops. We take out the cameras, we take out Angel, and we stop the government's ultimate control over the people. We can finally have the life we always wanted.

Technically there was no reason why Dawn and I couldn’t be married and living together right now. Angel would love for us to bring more little cameras into the world. At least if we were married I could kiss her. But we both knew that’s no way to start a life. Offputting looks, no real passion, no smiling, no saying ‘I love you’, not really being together. No, first, the lenses had to go. 

As if using a typewriter, she pressed firmly on separate parts of my forearm. Do you really think so?

The truth is that I had no idea. Dawn was right, these freedom fighters were loud, messy, and everything those of us still living in cities couldn’t afford to be. One slip-up and all of us would be executed by the end of the week. I stayed up so many nights convincing myself that this was the right thing to do. Listening to Adamson and the others would make it all alright. I swore that I would keep the love of my life safe, but I knew that wasn’t guaranteed. I could have said all this to Dawn, but instead, I just squeezed her fingers.

Yes. Just a few more minutes

The tension in her body relaxed. Ok then. If you're in, I’m in. Even if it is a suicide mission.

We both laughed and I melted under the soft sound of her voice, she laughed like a memory in the back of your mind, there to make you smile before it moved on. 

By the time we had both relaxed the gravity of the entire situation settled in. The others who had been on this bench, the stone-faces runner, the deadpan child, none of them had asked for this. They had done what they were told and lived controlled and quiet lives, albeit not exactly happy. We would undermine the foundation of their entire existence in the next few moments. I looked at the pond once more and saw small waves gently ripple across the surface as a dragonfly zoomed across the crystal water. Once more I found myself asking the same questions I had asked during those sleepless nights: Is this right?

As if it could sense my uncertainty, a loud siren started going on behind us, disturbing the peace in the park. I glanced at the black watch again, right on time. The patrons scattered and tried to hide the fear on their faces when they saw where the sound was coming from; a large skyscraper behind us that acted as Angels’ data collection headquarters for the East Coast. Angel was never breached, which meant those alarms had never gone off. 

The only other sounds came from the few young children around us. A baby nearby was wailing in response to the sudden noise as its mother drew it close and slowly backed up. A toddler ran around screaming for its mother before spotting her and hiding behind her legs. As she placed her hand on his head, even her eyes began to water, the only sign of fear in an otherwise motionless face. The patrons had similar looks of stifled terror in their eyes, no one daring to look at the other, lest they give themselves. Hard swallows and the fast walk/run they left the park with was the only thing that gave away the gravity of the situation. Everyone fled, except us.

Dawn and I stood up slowly, the only ones left in the park. There was no longer a question of if this was right, it was happening, and I needed to get on board. We turned around and faced the imposing steel structure. Nothing but black metal and tinted windows. The entire building seemed to say I know everything. I’m in control. It taunted us, but I refused to show any fear, I refused to feel any.

Once more I grabbed Dawn’s hand and focused on her touch rather than the blaring of the alarm. I didn’t dare to look at her because one glance at her beautifully innocent face would make me lose my nerve. It had to wait until after. When all this was over, I could spend the rest of my life looking at her. 

Almost in synchrony, we reached into our pockets and pulled out matching leather patches with straps on them. The two of us carefully slipped them over our heads so that the patches covered our right eyes. As if responding to instinct, her hand grabbed mine as I lowered my arm. I held as tight as I could, horribly aware that this might be my last chance.  She traced along my knuckles

Ready?

Ready.

And with our eyes on anything but each other, we began walking towards the building.