The Little Things Matter

I put my headphones on. Here I was, sitting on a crowded train. It was very busy during this time of the day even though it was only 8 am. I sighed. Online school is hard. In fact it’s the worst. People think it would be easier but the pressure is twice as much. I just wish parents would understand that. I decided to do hybrid school. Maybe the stress levels wouldn’t go skyrocketing. I remember everything before COVID-19; life was amazing. Nothing was as bad as it is now. The criticism of my parents just destroys my enthusiasm to have hobbies. I sighed again trying to wash out those thoughts. It was currently 8:10 AM. My school starts at 8:40 and it usually takes 20 minutes to get there. So there was time for me to sit down and relax. 

“Ping,” someone just texted me.

“HEY WHERE ARE YOU???” It was my best friend, Serena. “Why aren’t you on the bus?” she asked.

“Yeah, we’re missing you.” My other best friend, Karen said. Serena and Karen were the only people that motivated me. I know taking the bus would be faster but things were so bad this morning I needed to run. Running was something I did to vent out my anger.

“BROOKE BAILEY. I AM YOUR MOTHER. YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.” She scoffed. ”Why can’t you be more like your brother?” My mom yelled this morning. All I did was correct her. I was just helping her. Every year seems to get longer. I got another notification.

“Hello??? Respond please” Karen wrote. 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m on the train, um I” I stopped typing. I needed to come up with an excuse. They have their own problems and telling them mine would help anyone. After all, they get perfect grades, they have a perfect life with perfect families. Here I was; almost failing school with new problems every single day. 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m on the train, um I had to pick up some things from somewhere.” I replied even though it was just a lie. 

“Oh. Anyways I gtg. Bye!”

I just stared at my phone. I have always hated when someone just abruptly says “ I got to go, bye” and then just leaves. Like aren’t you supposed to wait for me to say bye? Or send separate messages. Like “I gtg. Bye!” so it seems like you aren’t in a rush to end this conversation. I kept my opinions to myself. I don’t want to lose them. They’re all I’ve got. I put my phone in my pocket and tried to relax. This was one of the only times when I could relax. Or else I have to worry about chores, schoolwork, competitions, after school classes, helping out and trying not to cause more problems. I got another notification. It wasn’t a message. It was an email from my teacher. I rolled my eyes because I knew exactly what it said. 

“Dear parents/guardians of Brooke Bailey,

It seems that she has some trouble focusing in class, doing classwork and not submitting assignments. Please respond as soon as possible to decide the date when we will address the solutions in the near future. 

Sincerely,

Kate Wilson

11th grade Science”

I got another notification. It was a message from my dad.

“Check your email.” he wrote in the group chat. Here comes another paragraph explaining why I’m a disappointment. I had around 4 minutes before we reached school. I turned my phone on silent mode and closed my eyes again. I could only see pictures of my parents arguing. My brother is in college so he doesn't know about this.My childhood was rushed. Since my brother was a “gifted student”, he got all of the love. I remember one memory very well. It happened when I was 5-6 years old. I asked them why they love Sam; my brother more and they hate me so much. My dad was saying, “Oh honey we don’t hate you. We love you both equa-” but then my mom interrupted him saying, “Yes. We love him more. Because he’s smart and gifted. He has a future.” and then she whispered “Unlike some people.'' I had my first mental breakdown because of that. I was only 5. The train’s intercoms announced that we had reached the final stop. I walked out. My school was 3 minutes away from the train station. I checked my phone for the time and saw the many hurtful texts. I thought my dad believed in me but that changed as soon as I got my first A-. Apparently gifted kids would only get A+. The worst part was that the grade was for a puzzle. A PUZZLE. I kind of laugh when I think about it. I think my emotions are broken. I’m numb most of the day and then in public, I’m an extrovert. I smiled as I walked inside my school. Serena and Karen were at their lockers. 

“Hey Brooke! Did you get that thing?” Karen asked me.

“What th- oh that. “ I remembered the lie. “It’s in my backpack, it’s not important. So, how are you guys?” I said nervously. Lying over text was easy but lying in person was hard. I went to my locker and put my books in. Serena and Karen looked at each. They knew I was lying and I wouldn’t be able to deny it. They walked over to me. 

“Brooke, are you oka-” Serena asked me. She got interrupted by the bell. I grabbed a few books as the hall monitor started to roam the halls. Our school was very strict so if you were even a few minutes late, you would be getting detention, a phone call home, and a strike. If you get 3 strikes, you get suspended for a week. We all rushed to our classrooms. I ran to art while the hall monitor had his back turned. Running in the halls was “banned” and I just felt like I was a rebel. It wasn’t that big of a deal but I felt good about myself. Mrs. Davis was waiting for the class. She was really nice and bent the rules. I loved art for many reasons and this was definitely one of them. I can express my feelings so clearly. I took out my sketchbook and pen. I just let the ink flow, it made shapes and artwork. Mrs. Davis was also one of the few people who believed in me. The world felt free when I was in art. I took out my worn out colored pencils. Stroke by stroke, time flew by and my art came to life. I drew a stressed girl. Kind of like me. 

“Good job! And Brooke, you know you can talk to me.” Mrs. Davis said, coming up behind my shoulder. The bell rang again. Now that my “free time” was done, it was finally time to come back to reality. Where everything was stressful and not peaceful. Where everything was difficult and not easy. Where the teachers had no hope in me. Where everyone ignored me. I walked to my locker and switched my books. Serena and Karen were behind me. Serena tapped my shoulder. 

“Hey, are you oka-” The bell interrupted her again. We all rushed to our next classes. I was walking to my own doom. My next block was science. Mrs. Wilson was waiting for me. She was one of the cruelest teachers. I sat in the back and put in my airpods. I needed to silence everything. I hid them with my hair. I didn’t want to get caught. Mrs. Wilson started her lecture on atoms. I had my science notebook out. I started doodling.

“So who made the first atomic model Brooke?” Mrs. Wilson asked. She was grinning evilly. 

“It was Democritus, a Greek philosopher.” I responded. Her smile turned upside down. 

“What year was J.J. Thompson’s model made and what was his analogy?” She asked me. I could tell she was hoping I would get it wrong. The class watched us dramatically. A grin slowly started to spread as I paused the music. Since I am me, I like to be dramatic. And I love to prove people wrong.

“His model was made in 1904. He liked to think of an atom as a chocolate chip cookie or plum pudding.”

“That’s tru-” she mumbled. I had enough of her nonsense. So I continued. 

“He also discovered the electron. The current atomic model is shaped like a cloud. A typical human body weighing about 70 kilograms contains 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms. I have more facts. In fact I think I’m ready to take the test.” I interrupted. There was silence in the room. Everyone faced Mrs. Wilson. She looked unprepared but most importantly; defeated. She completely ruined her reputation. Mrs. Wilson’s questions were known as the “unanswerable”. No one had gotten all of the questions right. I guess I made history? I smirked. She ran out of the room. Everyone burst into laughter.

“GO BROOKE! GO BROOKE!” they chanted. For a minute I forgot about all of my stress. I felt great. I just got acknowledged by the class. The bell rang and it was time for lunch. As soon as the class walked out into the hallway, I was an outcast again. I put my books away and headed to the cafeteria. Serena and Karen were waiting for me at the table. They were eating their lunch. I sat down.

“Hey where’s your lunch?” Karen asked. Due to the fight in the morning, I didn’t bring any lunch, I acted like I was full even though I was starving. If I told them I was hungry, Karen and Serena would act like the world’s ending.

“Hey Brooke. Are you okay?” Serena said. This time there was no bell to get me out of this situation. I absolutely hated opening up. Plus it’s because of the one time I opened up to my parents. I was stressed and they expected more from me. I couldn’t handle it. So I broke down in front of my mom, who took it as a joke. She called my dad who was supportive. But then the next morning they ignored me and when I asked how I can help and they said “Oh don’t do anything. We don’t want you to bawl your eyes out.”

Like so much for expressing my feelings. 

“I’m fine. Just stressed” I said too tired and hungry to lie. 

“Oh. What’s so stressful? We can help you..” Serena asked, taking another spoonful of rice.

“It’s…. It’s hard to explain.”

“Come with me after school. I need to show you a place.” Karen said after a minute. 

“Ok sure. Anyways, what’s up with youuuuu?” I said switching the topic. Karen talked about her sweet dog, Hunter. She’ll never stop telling us stories and we’ll never stop listening to them. We talked until lunch ended. I yawned. I barely got any sleep. I walked to history while holding onto my textbook. It seemed to get heavier every step I took. I finally reached Mrs. Miller’s classroom. I could only think about what Karen had said. I love how much they cared for me. Like all of my classes, I knew everything that we were learning in school, due to my parents who signed me up for 2 hours lessons on the 11th grade syllabus over the summer. So I used these classes to do missing assignments. I never want to tell Serena or Karen why I’m stressed. 

One of the main reasons is that my parents are arguing a lot these days. They wrap me up in them and they last for days. I’m so tired of the fake smiles.

“Today we’re going to...” Mrs. Miller said as she introduced a new topic. But I was listening to her. I was more focused on what Karen had said. I could use a detour on the way home. For some weird reason I felt excited. I kept thinking about where she was going to take me. 

“And these same people traveled WHERE. Brooke, answer this.”

I snapped out of my thoughts, looking at Mrs. Miller staring at me. I shouted nervously, “To the Midwest”

“That’s…. Correct'' Mrs. Miller said “ Anyways, these people were part of the Sioux tribe….” she continued the lesson. She was mad. I went back into my thoughts. 

“Brooke snap out of it. One mistake and Mrs. Miller is calling your parents. Remember last time?” I shook my head. My dad was furious last time and it ended with me getting slapped. I fiddled with my fingers until class ended. 

As soon as the bell rang, I needed to be alone. All of the excitement faded. I changed into my gym clothes and ran to the gym. I was tired, mentally and physically. We started to do the warm up before we played dodgeball. I jogged over to pick up a ball when one of my teammates came running. She rammed into my nose. I fell down. I felt fine so I got up and started playing again. Mrs. Smith blew her whistle. Asking me to come to her. Everyone was staring at me. What happened? My face felt wet but that was just sweat. Right?

“Honey, you have a nosebleed.”

“Wh-” I said, reaching up to touch my nose. I hesitated at first. But then I saw what everyone was looking at. My nose and lips were covered in blood. It was bleeding so much that it started to drip down to my shirt. Mrs. Smith handed me a nurse pass and I headed to the nurse’s office. 

There was this temporary nurse who was really nice. I needed to get a bandaid last week and she helped me with my feelings. I went to her and she told me to pinch my nose. I opened up to her. She was like a therapist. I talked for a while and she helped. Maybe my parents were overprotective. I yawned. 

“Do you want to take a nap? We have beds here, plus you lost a bit of blood so you’ll be a little lightheaded.” 

I agreed and took a nap. I woke up to Serena shaking me. She looked like she was going to cry. Karen was here too, just asking what happened. She seemed REALLY worried. 

“Guys, I’m fine. It was just a nosebleed” I said, trying to reassure them. I walked over to Karen and gave her a hug. She was more focused on my shirt. Oh right, I forgot about that. 

“School ended so we have to leave, where are we going?” I asked as I slipped my shoes on. Serena picked my backpack up.

“You’ll see”

We walked out of the school and hopped on to a trolley. It was a nice experience even though it was like a bus. Karen went up to the driver and whispered something. He cheerfully nodded. 

“Can you tell me where we’re going?” I asked once again. Karen said no. 

“Well can you at least tell me?” Serena asked. Karen whispered something. She smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and enjoyed the “stress free” time. 5 minutes later, the trolley stopped. We got off and I saw trees and bushes.

“Do you like it?” Karen asked. It wasn’t what I had in mind. 

“Sure” I responded. We walked through the trees and took a couple turns. We stopped at this area that had a tiny fence. There were big and tall bushes that surrounded that tiny area. I was kind of curious to see what was behind it. There was no entry. Karen army crawled from the little space under and between the bushes. Serena and I exchanged looks. She was smiling. 

“Do you want to go?” she asked. I really didn’t want to crawl under some huge bushes. 

“No, you go first, I’ll be right behind you.” I said. Serena crawled underneath. After 30 seconds she told me I can go. I started to army crawl. The bushes were thicker than you think. I crawled for almost a minute. Then I reached the end where Karen and Serena were waiting for me. I dusted off the dirt. Then I looked up. There was a whole scenery. Because of the setting sun, everything looked amazing. 

“When I’m stressed I walk around here and sometimes even scream all of my problems. I thought that might help you,” Karen said as I looked around in awe. Tree branches swayed slowly. It was relaxing. I sat under a tree. 

“And if I’m stressed, I think about all of the little things that made me happy.” Serena added. They walked over and sat next to me.

“You should try screaming,” Karen told me. I took a deep breath and started my rant.

“I FEEL LIKE A DISAPPOINTMENT. I’M NEVER AS GOOD AS MY BROTHER. MY GRADES ARE SUFFERING. I’M TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING COMPARED. I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE THINKING I DON’T HAVE A FUTURE. “ I shouted. Karen and Serena looked at me as I shouted more things I was stressed about. Serena put a hand on my shoulder as I took deep breaths. 

“Now scream all of the good things from today.” she said. “Just trust me.” 

I nodded. I screamed everything that made me happy today. 

“ I LIKED WHEN I PROVED MRS. WILSON WRONG. I LIKED WHEN PEOPLE DIDN’T THINK I WAS AN OUTCAST. I LIKED WHEN MY BEST FRIENDS CARED ABOUT ME.” 

I didn’t have many things that made me happy today but the things that did were enough. I felt relieved. Happy. 

“I told you so.” Karen and Serena said smiling. We all sat there looking at the beautiful hidden garden. Maybe, only the little things matter.