Escarole Salad

Welcome. My name is Osiris, but you can call me Oz, and this is my story.

I’ve always lived an ordinary life by myself. Once I was 18, I moved out of my parent’s place to get away from all the nagging and fuss that surrounds that kind of environment. I work from home doing coding for a tech start-up. I wouldn’t say I was a loner; I just haven’t really had the need or see a purpose in surrounding myself with other humans. Too much of a headache. I’ve never had high expectations for myself, you know, I just live a simple life of solitude. Make friends with the chatter in my head; not that I’m crazy or anything. I live in a small two-bedroom basement, with my own separate door. To some that may sound bleak, I call it comfortable. Unfortunately, it was getting pricy with the inflation of rent prices in the area. I debated getting another job or asking my parents for some money, but that all seemed too complicated and interactive. Then I remembered the second bedroom. As much as I don’t want a roommate and sense their aura around my space, I needed help paying the bills…and maybe the cleaning…and maybe getting groceries. The process of interviewing people and sifting through candidates was too much for me to handle, so I thought of an easier method to pick my "roommate." I threw all the applications in the air and whichever landed closest to my bed would be the person I pick. It's not like I have to talk to them anyway.  

And that my friends, is where I was wrong. Horrifically wrong. The most obscene, vile, and intrusive creature entered my sanctuary. I’m pretty sure he was Lucifer in the flesh. I was terrified for my life. He would leave me little sticky notes with his cult-like mantras. I tried to kick him out, but every time I spoke to him, I felt a little piece of my soul die. What’s his name you ask? He goes by, Apollo. You want to know just how disturbing this beast is? Keep reading. But I will give you a fair warning, this story isn’t for the faint of heart.

Saturday morning. Uh no, I see the light starting to seep through the bottom of the door. He's coming. I’m not prepared. No, it's too early for this it’s...11 am, noooo. “Hey, buddy! Rise and shine, I hope you had a great sleep. Do you want me to whip you up some brunch?”, Apollo exclaimed. I didn’t bother answering him. Who the hell is this cheery on a Saturday morning? I began to silently sneer wishing the sunlight coming from the window would burn him to a crisp. He’s still standing in my room with a smile on his face. You would think any other decent human would leave, not this one. He asked the question again. I realized soon enough that he probably won't haul-ass unless I say something. “I'm dying, leave me alone," I forcefully said. “Oh, did you want me to make you a smoothie to make you feel better, we have bananas and strawberries and mango and…” what I really want is for you to fall into the blender so I can continue sleeping. Before Apollo could name any more fruit, I shouted “YES that would be great. Oh, and Apollo, could you shut the door behind you?". Off he went with a purpose. It was sickening. Now on to more important matters, how do I deadbolt this door.

I’ve lived with Apollo for about two months now. Two months of dealing with his shenanigans. Two months of seeing little inspirational quotes “just be happy” or “today is a great day to be happy” or worst of all “be happy, it drives people crazy." Was this his plan all along, to drive me to the brink of insanity with all his new-age bullshit? Whatever happened to just letting people wallow in their dread? Those were the good old’ days. Now it’s all “you should better yourself, you should want more for yourself." No one asked you, keep your self-improvement to yourself!

I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying my coffee in silence when the sound of a dragon began to rage beside me. “Hey Oz, I went to the store and saw these really cool temporary tattoos on sale and thought maybe you’d want them. Maybe we could do them together! I don’t have any plans for the rest of the day," Apollo suggested. I felt my head slowly turn 360. Eyes wide open. Who the fuck suggests something like that? Who just gives people things? I don’t trust him. What does this guy constantly want from me? I’m sure he has friends, so why does he adamantly insist on intruding into my space. I scoffed aloud thinking this would upset him and make him finally get a hint, but the opposite happened. He seemed to think it was a sign of approval, and he continued to suggest things. “Oh I know, let's go to the park!” I replied back, “why, what’s at the park that’s so great that I don’t already have here?” Apollo replied, “oh you knowww, fresh air, people, dogs, grass, sunlight, just to name a few.” The idea of being in an open space, in public with him sent shivers down my spine. I got up, got my keys, and left for some of this so-called ‘fresh air’.

Then it happened at dinner. The monster took his full form. Apollo began to verbally assault me with the one thing that I dread the most in the world. Having to speak to someone was bad enough, but this topic has been off-limits for my whole life. The future. Apollo began to mumble at first. I had to stop chewing my escarole salad (what the fuck is escarole? Isn’t that snail in French?). Then for some reason, something possessed me to say “pardon." I’ve regretted it ever since. Apollo immediately looked up, put his fork down, and had the biggest smile on his face. Oh shit. He’s going to tell me something. Run. Run now. My body was frozen. I was looking him dead in the eye, and he seemed to be staring back, but looking through my soul. Then everything went downhill. He started off with “oh I was just saying that I feel like the future is going to be brighter. I just feel it.” I could already feel my palms getting sweaty. I had no expression or reaction. I just stared at him. “Like the other day, I was talking to my sister about my goals and aspirations, and she gave me the idea of starting a blog to hold myself accountable, and maybe to inspire and support others who are trying to achieve their goals and become the best versions of themselves. I believe it's really important that we try to do our best, because we only have one chance, and each day that goes by is another opportunity gone.” Apollo kept munching on those fake green leafy snails. I lost my appetite. What was worse, I couldn’t even think of a comeback. I just stared into oblivion.

In the most engaging and genuinely concerned voice, Apollo asked, “what are your plans for the future, Oz?” my stomach descended all the way down to the underworld. My bones turned to mush. My brain started to tinker in thoughts of what my hypothetical future would look like. Nope. Not doing this. No way in hell I'm even going to entertain this question. A bright future? What the fuck does that even mean? Is he constantly on uppers? There’s no way the sun is shining from both ends, that’s physically impossible. But, what does my future look like? Is there more for me then how I’m currently living? I was fine not being happy until this walking encyclopedia of wisdom came along. Now he's got me thinking and crap. I don’t like it one bit. “Well,” he said. “I, I, I guess I always wanted to be a florist.” I can’t believe those words stuttered out of my mouth. I’m doomed. This is psychological warfare. The fog in my mind is slowly clearing, I’m thinking about possibilities, and what-ifs, and picturing myself wrapping bouquets of hydrangeas and dahlias. “Oh, that sounds awesome! I have a friend that works in a flower shop, I could hook you up” Apollo said, still eating. Before my brain had time to register and relay any message to my muscles, I said “thank you”.

And that’s the story of how Apollo infiltrated my life and broke me. Be wary of those that seem too happy, they may try to change your perspective on life. It's best to stay away, don’t go to the dark side. Take my ‘future’ as a cautionary tale. I now sell flower arrangements for weddings and I’m in the best state of my life. How excruciatingly horrid.